Concerns about DSS

[redfox14]

My DSS is 6 and lives with his mum, DH and I see him regularly but his mum can be a bit tricky to communicate with (often reads messages and doesn’t respond). I recently started work in a primary school and am working in the same year group (but different school) to DSS and it’s become really obvious to me that I don’t think DSS’ speech is on the same level as the other children his age.

We know he had some speech and language intervention last school year, and his mum said it was going well, but when we asked him about it recently he says he stopped going. He struggles to say a lot of words and also gets words confused for each other. He also can’t say his sisters’ names properly.

I also worry that when he is with us, he really struggles to respond to instructions or being asked to do anything. Like asking him to put his shoes on, or come and sit down for tea. We might have to ask him two or three times to do anything because it’s like he just does not register it or pay attention to what we’re saying. Or when we are out, DH will ask him to hold our hand in car parks or walking on pavement etc., he will completely ignore this and dash off towards traffic.

I feel like it’s come more to my attention now that I’m around kids his age a lot of the time. DH wonders if maybe he just plays up around us but I am just a bit worried that maybe he needs more help with his speech and language, and with his attention span.

I do worry about overstepping boundaries but I wondered if it’s appropriate for DH or I to contact his school?

Get your DH to ask his school teacher without mentioning you at all.

Speech is one thing, but a lot of what you are saying just sounds quite normal for many children. I mean I have to ask my 11 year old about 5 times to put on her shoes or come to the table for dinner. I have a 6 year old and while he’s generally quite cautious, definitely I see his friends darting off into traffic.

I think you’re categorising it as an issue of not understanding what he’s being asked due to language issues, but quite often kids just don’t bloody do what they’re asked. Not because they don’t understand, but because they don’t want to or because doing something else is more exciting. As a parent though, you have to figure out how to get them to listen and do as you’ve asked. It’s very different to working professionally with children, where they tend to be on their best behaviour, compared to your own children at home where they can be little buggers.

Definitely your Dh (not you) should be actively involved in his school and making sure he’s getting all the support he needs, but sounds like a lot of it is just working out how to be a more effective parent and what techniques work to get the job done.

Surely it would be more appropriate to discuss concerns with his Mum, as his primary carer, first rather than going over her head and to school?

If she doesn’t respond to messages, maybe your DH could speak to her face to face?

Has he had a hearing test? How was his report at the end of last year? DH has the right to be invited to any meetings with school or to organise his own.

Sounds like my son, who is autistic. As PP mentioned, why isn’t dad getting involved? Not just mums job. He can have a word with school by himself surely.

I can understand the concern here. But surely this is one that Dh starts by talking to his ex about. Then, depending on that conversation, DH and his ex talk to the school to get their feedback. At the last teacher-parent conference did the school say whether DSS was meeting expectations, ahead of expectations, or behind?

It can also be difficult as a lot of parents, whether or not there's also the complexity of emotions due to a failed relationship, can be quite defensive when it's suggested their child is not meeting expectations. I always saw it as something that we needed to figure out solutions for, but I saw lots of parents who did not see it this way. So ex, and even your DH, might be finding it quite hard to acknowlege that there is a problem.

For example, teachers say reception aged child is behind in communicaiton and relationships. Parents are upset because child speaks well, is confident etc. But they don't understand that the fac tthat the child doesn't understand how to play in a group, or doesn't respond to social cues is a problem.