Parent upset if discipline child

[StepMother009]

My OH gets emotional and very upset if he has to tell his son ‘no’ or not to do something. He feels guilty if the child is upset when disciplining or given boundaries. Any advice. Child is 7.

OH needs counselling. Surely this has been going on for 6 years? Has he been like this the whole time?

Just checking what you mean by discipling?

He feels guilty if the child is upset when disciplining or given boundaries

He’s going to feel more guilty and more upset if he starts getting complaints from school about his son’s behaviour because he hasn’t set those boundaries early on. And, God forbid, even more so if the child goes on to get into serious trouble as an adolescent or young adult. Setting boundaries is a core job as a parent and he will be letting his son down badly if he doesn’t educate him about what behaviour is and isn’t acceptable in the wider world. He doesn’t have to be harsh or unpleasant about it, but he does need to do his job as a father.

Does he live with his son full time?

Just telling child not to do something. He doesn’t raise his voice, he’s just telling child ‘don’t do that’ etc. Child gets upset when told not to do something, which upsets my partner.

Does he get upset every time that he has to say no? For things that he agrees he should be saying no to?

Well this is parenting really. He has to understand why he feels that way. You sometimes have to say no for many valid reasons and yes dc do not like it but thats part of being a parent.

Child is allowed to do what he wants at mother’s. His father tries to set boundaries, but this upsets child and father feels like child will hate him & love his mother more.
OH is not harsh at all. He’s too soft, but child isn’t getting boundaries with mother. Child is pretty well behaved, but doesn’t do as told and has to be told a number of times.

As soon as I read the OP I thought he doesn't live with the child or doesn't parent enough.

Disney dad. Boundaries and respect is part of parenting

Presumably from your username, you're the stepmother in this arrangement? Does he agree with you that he should be saying no to the same things that you think he should be disciplining his child for?

Pressed to soon.

DH does this and he lives with us. He is just never here with work. So when he is he HATES dealing with bad behaviour and worries about it for days.

He needs to read some parenting books and/or go on some parenting courses. If he really can't cope with simple boundary setting then he needs to unpick that with some kind of appropriate counselling or therapy. I seem to remember you posting about this before, and this was the advice I gave to you then. Children need boundaries, and parents shouldn't be afraid of setting them, with love.

Ahh a Disney Dad?

You probably need to explain that kids need boundaries as it makes them feel more secure.

And that love isn't a competition and nor will his son's love be dependent upon whether his dad parents him properly.

If he doesn't man up now, he's going to have a terribly confused, terribly spoilt child who won't particularly be a pleasure to be around.

Your partner says No and the child cries, which in turn upsets your partner. The child has to learn they can't have everything they want or do what they want. That's part and parcel of life, and the earlier it's learnt, then it's better for the child. Does your partner then back down if the child cries? If so, the child has learnt that crying will get what they want!!! It's far better to put firm boundaries in place at an early age. When parents don't, it sets the child up to fail. They can't cope in school, makes friendships difficult because they constantly want things their own way. Your partner needs help in understanding why they're feeling the way they do, and to understand saying no, is not doing that child any harm at all. It's making them understand.

How does he handle being told no at school? Does he have any friends?

I wouldn’t have a child with him if he doesn’t parent in a way you respect. You haven’t said it’s on the cards but I’m saying it anyway.

How do you know he doesn't get told no at his mums? I'm not being obnoxious but have you seen her day to day parenting? Because my kids have told some absolute porkers to my parents and they're actually quite good kids. But they'd have my parents believe they don't have a bedtime, unlimited treats and can watch whatever they want on tv.

Your other thread about his 5 year old, makes it clear you both think it's all his mother's fault?

Does he get equally upset when parenting them both?

Do they have different mothers?

This might be key if the siblings are being treated differently in different homes, but it's not very clear?

Is it,
"Dad, can I have ten packets of crisps?"
"No" <crying>

Or is it,
"Can I stay up late with you because I have to go back to dm's tomorrow?"
"No" <crying>