What's worse, a crap parent or no parent?

[flummingbird]

I have a DD(8). For the last year or so she hasn't been speaking much at her dad's house. We split 6 years ago and he is remarried, she says she likes step mum and step sister, and as of this week there's a baby brother.

The not talking/participating means she sits looking miserable in the living room and doesn't join in with things, or goes to her room to read for hours on end (which she wouldnt do here really, she only reads at bed time) She's the life and soul at home. Her mouth opens with her eyes on a morning and you can't shut her up or keep her still. She's the same at both grandparents, school etc so it's isolated to his house.

It's causing massive problems there as they can't cope with it, it seems to be seen as rude, and he's started bringing her back to me half way through contact the last 3 times (should be EOW sat am until Monday evening after school). I've suggested time alone with him and her, doing more fun things etc but he won't. He's inherently lazy and if he can't talk her round and out of it it seems he's giving up and not wanting to see her as much

So... whats better? Her having a crap time there but insisting she's not, and them all resenting her and her feeling more uncomfortable, or her going less and risking the relationship dropping off entirely (he has 2 older kids with two other women that he's dropped seeing over the years so it's not a leap to think that's where this is heading)

Sorry for the essay...

he has 2 older kids with two other women that he's dropped seeing over the years

So he just replaces child after child? Prince of a man.

I suspect she will end up with no dad anyway since that's his MO. Might as well assume it's going that way and not force it. Poor kid.

Bad parents much worse than absent or dead parents.

Absent counts as bad in some circs.

OP, being bored isn’t being abused. Her DF can’t make her the centre of attention - she’s one of 3. If she’s choosing to isolate herself, tackle it.

Tackle it how? We've talked about it no end with her with no resolution. I've had her speak to a counsellor who essentially said there was nothing wrong and as dad wouldn't come and talk too we couldn't get to the bottom of it

Yeah @MrsTerryPratchett it's awful. He's never really seen the eldest, we saw the younger son EOW when we were together so i didn't see him dropping him coming at all. Luckily I get on with his mum and him so we can facilitate the kids seeing each other

I'd keep up the contact for now if your DD is happy to go because, while he's hardly Dad of the year, he doesn't sound awful and it is an important relationship.

Why women continue to have children with feckless men is an absolute mystery though, what is the current wife thinking?!

She thinks she won a prize 🙄 she's nearly 20 years younger and their affair ended our marriage, we don't get on (despite me trying) but I always speak positively about all of them

I've experienced both.

Honestly? My mum was a bad parent. She was mean, never hugged us kids, always stressed out and busy, constantly bullying me, actively harmed me physically and mentally... But was always... there. Always a coooked meal, always a bed to sleep in, even if it was horrendous.

My dad left when I was a baby. My heart broke, I couldn't understand why he didn't want me.. It was devastating. I tracked him down when I was 23. It was amazing, it was a dream come true... Until it wasn't, and all the bad things my mum said about him became apparent. He was later diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, which came out during the time he was being diagnosed with Alzheimers. He was vain, self obsessed and a born liar.

Was I better off without him? Yes. I dread to think the damage he could have done to me with his manipulation and selfishness.

My mother was broken by bad husbands who were at least mentally abusive and at worst very violent. But she was always there. I always had a home to go back to. My dad never felt like home.

My daughter has a half arsed dad. It continued to be half arsed for a few years and then dropped off when she was able to decide if she wanted to go or not. She's seen him maybe 5 times this year - all for a few hours a time.

IMO an inconsistent, half arsed, unreliable parent that doesn't give the child any security is much much worse than an absent one.

He's starting to see her as an inconvenience to his new family unit. Contact will no doubt start tailing off soon. I wouldn't be trying to facilitate it.

She’s isolating herself because she doesn’t feel like part of the family there. And the adults are choosing to blame the child.

Her dad absolutely should be prioritising time with her and spending one on one time.

This relationship will probably fizzle out at some point. I was your daughter and have been very low contact with my father for 10+ years now, probably a bit longer. It happened so organically I don’t really know.

He still wonders why I don’t call or visit when he never did anything wrong. You couldn’t make it up!

Basically your ex thinks that it is up to his daughter to behave the way he wants - to make life easier for him during access. If that doesn't work then he thinks you need to make his daughter behave as he wants her to behave. The only person who doesn't have any responsibility is him.

Any normal parent would worry about an 8 year old avoiding him and his family and would try to sort it our himself. Face it - he doesn't give a fuck. and then this:

he has 2 older kids with two other women that he's dropped seeing over the years so it's not a leap to think that's where this is heading

honestly OP your daughter already has a crap parent and he is well on his way to being no parent. That will happen no matter what you do.

Your daughter is saying in the only way she can - "I am unhappy at my father's house" He doesn't give a curse whether she is happy or not. He just wants her to comply to spare his feelings. Instead spare your daughter and don't make her go to a home where no one cares what she thinks or feels.

@Pallisers everything you've said is what I've said too. I jjst want her to have a good relationship with her dad but its not going to happen is it. So hard to see her wanting him though

A crap one, definitely.