How to explain death to four year old

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My four year old came home upset after school the other day, asking if it’s true that people die when they get old. Apparently another pupil had told her that’s what happens. I was blindsided by this and was unsure what to say, so I managed to distract her and change the subject. However, I’d like to be prepared if she asks again! What is the best way to answer without scaring or upsetting her?

You can try to explain it, but kids don’t always understand permanence at that age. When my cousin was 4 their dog died. My aunt explained, they buried the dog in the yard. A couple days later he asked if they could dig Peppy up so he could play with her again.

You should try to explain that death is when someone goes away and can’t come back or something like that. But they may just not get it.

Yes, kids will only understand what their mind allows them to.
Answer questions as simply as you think your child can comprehend.
Sometimes the analogy of a beautiful balloon is concrete enough to explain death to children.

What makes the balloon appear lively and full (the air/breath) escapes into the sky leaving the balloon lifeless on the ground.
The balloon is like an old withered body but everything beautiful about it is still around us.

Pets are a special way to experience death. They appear like in life but are cold, and can not play anymore ever again.
Seeing dead moths, birds, plants and native creatures on walks are another way to glimpse the reality of death.

Drawing pictures of alive butterflies, flying birds after seeing dead ones is another way to see death as part of a life cycle.

My son was 3.5 yo when he lost his great grandfather (we lived with him) and couldn't understand it. So I said that he's with God (faith dependant) coz God needed some help and great grandpa had lots of ideas coz he's older and could help God. It's natural for older people to help God like this.
It seemed to settle him.
Another friend shared that she says people become stars when they die.

This can be EXTREMELY difficult. Some kids will accept it with a couple of questions and a shrug, some with more inquiring minds will go into a panic.
I am religious so I explained about heaven but my kid was clearly seeking certainty and i couldn’t provide that. It was quite miserable to be honest. It’s one of the only times i wasn’t able to give my child the comfort she needed and it was heartbreaking. We just had to ride it out

I would explain it truthfully but in simple terms. I don't think children should be shielded from the truth.
I took my toddler to my grandmas funeral. She walked with us behind the hearse and she came to the cemetery. She had drawn some pictures which she threw in the grave. They had had a beautiful relationship and my grandma would have wanted her there. Death is a normal part of life.

I explained death honestly to my then 3 year old when he asked where my mum was. I said she got very poorly and died before DS was born. He's also seen dead animals which makes him sad but again I'm honest and say they have died.
I have told him that nothing can last forever, just like toys break and sometimes can't be fixed, people and animals get worn out and die. You can't avoid death so when he asked I told the truth.

I told my DS that the body is like a machine. When it gets very old bits stop working properly, and eventually the doctors can’t do anything to help any more, so the machine stops working because it is worn out, and the person dies. He was machine mad, so this idea really worked for him.

I also said that once a person dies it means that they are not uncomfortable anymore, and that they don’t need any medicine etc. great grandparents used to have to take a lot of pills every day, and were very frail.

As DC have got older I have added in that I believe that even if someone’s body is gone, if we can remember them and the times we spent together and the things they enjoyed, they are still with us in a way. Family members who have died still come up in conversation sometimes, like ‘x would have enjoyed this’ or ‘do you remember when we did Y with X’.

I also made it very clear that it is ok to be sad.

It is a topic that could come up repeatedly over the years, so be prepared.

Not explaining death to children properly like a lot of posters suggest can actually make death seem really scary and confuse children.

I'm surprised your child got to age 4 not knowing about it. Has he never wondered what happened to Mufasa/Tarzan's parents/Anna and Elsa's parents/etc?

You just explain it in simple terms, but be factual about it. No weird metaphors. You just say "when people and animals get very old, their body stops working and they die. They can't use their body anymore. Insert religious belief here if you have any" He might ask you questions about it, and you should be honest but keep it simple. If you don't make a big deal, he will accept it as a normal thing (which it is). Mine was obsessed with it after the Queen died. She's just turned 5 and if any of our pets died, I wouldn't have to explain anything other than why it happened. Death is a natural part of life and the sooner we as adults treat it that way, the sooner kids can understand it and not find it a big scary concept.

You can read goodbye mog with her.

I also added in a it about the circle of life to make it more positive. So, if we saw a dead fox then I’d talk about how it will help the land around it grow new things. Possibly slightly graphic for some but my kids are
farmers and see things grow and die all the time.

There are also some very good books out there. One that sticks in my mind was called “I’ll always love you” by Hans Wilhelm. Tears me up just thinking about it

We thought my dad was dying a while back so I did a lot of reading about how to discuss dying with my three year old. The key focuses were to be clear and honest. Don't use euphemisms like "went to sleep" or "gone away" as they can scare a child or give them false hope that the person will come back. And answer any questions they have honestly- what happens to the body, will it happen to (insert other person) etc.

Our plan was to basically say we had something sad to tell him. That grandad had died. And then ask him if he knows what that meant. That when people get very old or have very serious types of illness, sometimes their bodies stop working. They can't walk or talk or eat anything. So it means you can't see them anymore or talk to them, and that's sad, but we can remember them and talk about them whenever we want.

Obviously that's not perfect, as it glosses over the fact that young and seemingly healthy people can suddenly die as well. But I think it's appropriate for this age. And a lot of that would go over a 3 year olds head. But I find my son likes to repeat the reasons for things even if he doesn't understand them, but that makes him remember them and eventually he does understand them.

My 2&4 yo know about death because my dad passed before they were born and we’ve lost a dog.

much like @LoquaciousPineapple I just explained that we are alive, which is breathing, moving, eating etc. and being dead means they won’t do this anymore and we can’t see them and it is sad that they are gone. They both seem to get it.

I don’t believe in heaven so don’t use that.

Yup. As others have said when people and animals get very old, or too sick so doctors can no longer make them better, their bodies can stop working.

You can Talk about how we have a lot of great doctors and medicines for looking after us and help most people live a long time but eventually the body can't be made better anymore.

It is also good to talk about animals dying and explaining that animals generally live much shorter lives than humans. There are some great books you could consider buying about this. By understanding death in relation to animals, can make it much easier to accept and understand their first encounter of human death when it happens.

The child in school has probably been bereaved. I thought you were going to say that child in their class had died. Four is an ideal age to have these discussions.

My kids have already encountered death in old age, death through serious illness and death through tragic accidents (including several relatives who've died young). There are children in their classes whose parents have died.

Take this opportunity to start conversations and be prepared to answer questions simply and honestly as they come up.

Being able to use these experience of others is so much better than their first experience or discussion of death being someone close to them.

You need to use factual, simple statement. No 'they went to sleep' or 'they're in the stars watching us' type of poetic explanations.

Winston's Wish are a charity dedicated to helping children deal with bereavement and they have some really good resources.

winstonswish.org/how-to-explain-death-to-a-child/#:~:text=This%20is%20an%20example%20of,such%20as%20move%20or%20talk.

My dad died when my children were 2 and 4.

They had already been taken to a funeral by then, a mum of my partner's friend, they didn't actually know her. When it came up and my partner asked me if he should take them as we had all been asked to go, I said to him we should go because it would be really good if the children didn't have to learn all about death and what happens after a death in the instance of a close relative dying. This meant that my children were as ready for the unexpected amd sudden death of my dad that it was possible to be.

We also read some books about dying: When dinosaurs die is brilliant and factual, and covers all kinds of death, not just gentle, slipping off type deaths. When they were a bit older, I read A Momster Calls to them, it is pretty full on but then you can't stop bereavement being full on and the whole point of cultural products like books and films etc is that we can explore the big issues of life and be more prepared for when out own lives become difficult

So I'd recommend that at the very least - books and films etc. And although it sounds callous, an entry level funeral where the only thing your children are dealing with is what goes on? how do people behave? etc is helpful in giving them a sense of what is normal . Remember OP you can't protect them from reality butyou can do things for amd with them that will allow them to cope with it

When DHs uncle who we were close to died when DD was 3, I read 'Badgers Parting Gift' to her, she then asked for it a few more times.

I had to deal with with when my mum died and ds was only two, it was tricky.

We explained factually that granny was very very old and her body had stopped working, and the hospital couldn’t fix her. We explained when someone dies, that means they don’t think or move any more and so they don’t need their body any more. We explained that the most important thing is remembering granny and all the love we have for her and all the fun we had together.

We had to explain this over and over until he was three and understood she wasn’t coming back.

Be prepared for some logical comebacks. When will grandad die?

will I die?
How old will I be when I die? How many years will I still be alive for?
How do you know how old I’ll be when I die?
If a car hits me, will I die?
Will I wake up when I fall asleep tonight…what if I don’t?

Why can the doctors fix you sometimes but not other times?
Do you always die when you go to hospital?
If your heart stops working why can’t you get another heart?

When he turned 4 we had to explain all these again, and more. I have talked more about death with my small son than any other person.

And he wanted to know why Father Christmas has been “alive” for hundreds of years. It upset him deeply, this failure in the logic of nature. The unfairness of it.

So age 4 I basically bust the Santa myth, mumbled about “how we like to think it’s magic, because thats fun, but we don’t really have to believe in magic and we don’t have to take the Santa stories too seriously, we can just enjoy the idea like it’s a game.”

He still writes to Santa but he is not a true believer.

We had this book too when FIL died. It's lovely.

My DDs were 2 & 3 at the time. The 3yo understood and used to ask for the book.

It's a lot harder when it's a young person. A friend of mine had a stillborn daughter around the same time. My daughters had known her pregnant and so wanted to know where "M's baby sister" was.

I honestly think it's easier to talk about death when kids are younger as their emotions just aren't as complex and the base knowledge of "dead = not coming back" is always there.

We are religious , so I have told my girls that you go to heaven when you die and it’s full of angels and wonderful things , that Jesus looks after you until you are joined by the rest of your family.
they have accepted this with pets and family members we have lost, and we talked about how in heaven you get to do your favourite things and wear angel wings. They have spoken about family members being with Jesus and how it’s sad we don’t see them anymore but they should be happy going fishing everyday. I think it’s about finding a narrative your kids with accept and can use to let go of the loss.

Yes- it brilliantly written. I can't get through it without crying though!

DTs were 4 when my nana died earlier this year. I explained that when people get very old their bodies stop working and they die. I’d worked it up in my head but their reaction was classic small child. One was teary, the other wanted to know exactly where she died (her house wasn’t enough, he wanted to know which room). The bluntness caught me off guard but is apparently normal!

PS I should add, obviously this doesn’t work in all cases. At some point we need to explain to DTs that they had an older sibling that died, but I don’t want them to be scared they will die when they are poorly.

It's hard really.

My nan died recently and I had to explain this to my 4yo.

I tried to keep it simple and truthful without it being too scary. And I tried to keep it as far away from her reality as possible. I didn't want to say "Great nanny got unwell and died" - because we all get unwell and I didn't want my DD to think next time someone is ill they could die 😖
So i just said nanny's body got to old. I still doubt myself about it.

Yes explain it to her in simple terms - no analogies, no euphemisms.

My dad died when my eldest was 2 so ours have kind of always known - and asked a lot of questions! He got really sick, and the doctors worked very hard to make him better but eventually they couldn't do any more and when his body stopped working he died. It's very sad because it means we won't see him again, but we have lots of lovely memories that make us happy to think about.

Eldest also knows you don't need to be old as she loves asking about the extended family so she knows about a very dear relative of mine who died in her early 20s. She knows that both this relative and her grandad had cancer but that lots of people get better from cancer like her granny etc.

My brother died when my daughter was six months old. We talk about him a lot and DD knows he is dead. She is 4.

I've always said that sometimes people get poorly and the doctors and nurses can't always make everyone better. Just like with animals, vets can't fix everything. Usually you get poorly when you are very old, but some people get poorly when they are younger too.

So far she doesn't seem remotely afraid or concerned by it, she is very matter of fact. 'Uncle ___ is dead isn't he'. She has asked where people go when they die and I say nowhere, you just don't need your body any more. But that people's memories live on for as long as we remember them and share about them. Nobody is gone forever if we still remember them etc.

Lots of great books on Amazon. I liked the Paper Dolls. A friend whose dad died before she had children bought it for us.