Difficult teen

[mini124]

I was wondering if anyone can share their experience or thoughts on difficult teens.

My daughter is 17, has these anger episodes when things don't go her way. I am raising her alone. Her dad has been working away for over 2 yrs.

She gets angry, has a attitude & it leads to me blowing up my fuse to the point I tell her to leave the situation. She is argumentative, never accepts faults or has empathy only when things go her way. We had a very heated argument, I threw her out of the house because she wouldn't let anything go. I suffer with mental health problems, is run down with running after her to eat, take medication & do basic chores around the house. She then got my mum involved who says insensitive things and adds fuel to the fire 🔥 then it impacts my relationship with her. I have made it clear to my mum to not get involved. Not give me parenting advice or make insensitive remarks without knowing how hard life is with a teen daughter.

I just started a new job after sacrificing so many years being a stay at home mum. Now it's impacting my job, life & mental well being.

I had planned to take her to London in December for 18th birthday with her boyfriend. All this started because she ordered a dress I paid for online, she tried it on & had a terrible attitude because it wasn't to her liking. After being sympathetic and asking if it's free return, she snapped at me badly. I then went to the kitchen and took it out the dishes. I just had enough because I have a difficult marriage on top of looking after her alone.

So sorry for waffling. I really love some support and advise on knowing how to move forwards.

Which little dots I don't see any my side !

Ahh, you must feel very frustrated with yourself then! Give yourself a pass, it’s learning on the hop and sometimes the anger is so hurtful it’s too hard not to react to it.

you’ve acknowledged you have improvements to make. I used to get so frustrated when I really tried my best and all I received was hate & violence in return.
looking back now I can say I’m the adult and DD was just a struggling teen.
also, recognising I’m the adult and DD is still developing- I never really mastered that one until later in the years.

I’ve apologised many times for my poor decision and now DD is older she has said she knew I came from love and now knows my mistakes were made with the intention of doing right by DD - we can even laugh about some of those now although I cringe with embarrassment looking back

nothing amazing, just survival. Some times I were surprised we are both still here to be honest.

I’m on an iPad and just used your 3 dots to send a Hello pm to you if that helps?

Thank you @SleepPrettyDarling

Your story is inspiring, yea I got no problem accepting my faults . I was alot worse before but slowly improving with odd time where I blow up. Thank so much for your kindness and wisdom!!!

@mini124
ive sent you a pm

She snapped at you. You smashed dishes.
You clearly have a lot going on but so does she.

Bloody hell op, if you are teaching pupils with difficult backgrounds, no wonder you are feeling at the end of your tether. There’s only so much patience and understanding we can continually pour from the jug as it were, without it running out.

When my teens were at their most difficult, work was a place of refuge, calm and happy distraction for me.

But you aren’t catching a break at work either! No wonder you are feeling beleaguered on all sides. That’s very tough so give yourself a break.

Do you get to go out with friends, preferably with teens themselves, in rl? I relied on friends a great deal during this difficult period. We laughed together about teen antics in general without breaking any confidences, and it really helped.

Thank you everyone for helping me feel better.

I respect all views. Work has been very challenging because I have a hearing impairment too. So I teach in a non deaf provision. I wear aids but at the end of the session, I usually can feel overwhelmed due to all the noise. I love the job despite it's challenges. It is definitely place for escaping from my personal life.

It's incredibly rewarding too as my students had no former education.

I think the trauma of everything that's happened this year has left me drained. It's been the most stressful year.

Due to be at work all week, I tend to look myself away to recharge my batteries. I have two big families that often have birthday or some events at the weekend, I don't even wish to attend because quite often I prefer to be on my own as I get very over stimulated, tired & need to wind down before going back to work.

Thank you Slanketweather for your understanding and empathy 😀

What is going on with your husband? Does your daughter miss him or is she better off with him away? How about you? do you miss him? Does he provide for you financially? Does he take an interest in your daughter?

Regarding a day out, I wouldn't do that but I would give her the money to have a day out with her boyfriend and I would have a day to myself relaxing. It won't be much fun for you going with those two.

I prefer to not talk about the issues with husband. Regarding him being away at work, it's complicated circumstances and is hoping to eventually come back soon.

Daughter and father speak to each other but no she don't miss him because she gets away with what she wants with no male authority figure. She's not told him regarding boyfriend as he's a Muslim. I forced her to be honest with him that he's coming to London with us because I wasn't prepared to lie. He has some idea about her maybe having a boyfriend because I told him she had a prom date. I have left it up to her to tell her father regarding him.

I promised her that I would take her away to London for 3 days. If I don't then I will feel responsible for ruining her 18th.

OP, you have my full sympathies. I also work with difficult teenagers and it can be extremely draining. It’s not unusual for people working in those environments to have little patience or energy left for their own children at the end of the working day/ week. You have acknowledged that taking it out on the dishes was probably not the best way to deal with your frustration, but I don’t think you should be too hard on yourself. As long as you are not losing it frequently, then I think it’s understandable. It sounds like you have been through an incredibly difficult and stressful time with little to no support. Hopefully this difficult spell will soon pass. I was once a difficult teenager too and I am pleased to say that I came out of it the other side. I’m sure, in time, your daughter will too. In the meantime be kind to yourself and try to give yourself time to unwind when you can.

Thank you for your compassion towards my situation ❤️. It wasn't my brightest moment taking anger out on the dishes 🫣. I am usually quite resilient.

This situation was made worse because my mum got involved, said few things without thinking as she's quite impulsive with words. She 100% sides with her granddaughter at times. For the 1st time I told my mum pls don't get involved unless my daughter is at risk because it will create so much friction. I adore both my mum & daughter but both together are very mischievous & silly together at times 🤦‍♀️. But that's not a big issue!!!

I need to get to grips and have my boundaries. I appreciate how you have said to not be hard on myself. I did tell daughter to leave house & I put her bag outside because she was meant to go college. I think the whole situation escalated badly. I was suffering with my emotions the day before for a few days with personal things. So I guess the anger just built up! I am in process of trying to buy my property on my own too. So many things going on, with own mental health problems, it's very hard to cope 🤦‍♀️

@mini124

Dont worry about the pm! I understand you might not want to speak off group. It was only really because your story is so weirdly similar to mine (things I’ve not actually said in my post) that I did briefly think my dd had written it. Obviously that’s ridiculous and it’s just a really bizarre coincidence.

Heartbreakdamage

You can send me an email address, I will contact you on it ?

@mini124

probably not really wanting to send email as if forms part of my real name but I have sent you another pm. If you go to the three dots you can reply there.