Controlled crying or pick up, put down method??

[T999]

Hello!

I’m looking for advice… please no negative comments from people who haven’t experienced this as we are desperate!

So we have a 10 month old who has never really been a great sleeper but seems to be getting worse the older he gets.

He was recently ill for about 2 months from various things which hasn’t helped but he’s now better thank goodness. He was struggling with his breathing due to having bronchiolitis so the only place he would sleep was his pram where his sleep was ok, even great at times with 1/2/3 wake ups!

He’s now been back in his cot but he just won’t sleep, wakes up shortly after going to bed and can wake up anywhere between 5-10 times at the moment. Obviously we meet all of his needs but doesn’t seem to make any difference. We’re both so exhausted and fed up. I never wanted to try sleep training but don’t know what else to try.

Has anyone tried either method? How did it go?

Any replies will be appreciated!! ❤️

Tried both. Honestly controlled crying works better, otherwise they want to be picked up each time. DD is 23 months now and occasionally has a blip.

@GingerLiberalFeminist thanks for that, I think we’re leaning more towards controlled crying. Just hope something works!

I’ve been there. Is co sleeping an option? Lullaby trust has some info on it. Or having side by side beds - like mattress on ground beside cot? If leaving baby to cry isn’t for you they might be good options to trial first! It is so hard but they do get there eventually - 8-10 months is the hardest so you’re nearly there!!

@Psychologymam unfortunately not! He sleeps marginally better but still not great and I’m so uncomfortable having to stay in a C curl. I am also 14 weeks pregnant so desperate for my space. My partner has also slept next to him in the baby’s room but makes no difference. Thank you for your reply ❤️

I think it very much depends on the baby. I was absolutely and utterly adamant that we would never, EVER use controlled crying but DS1 was a terrible sleeper and we were all going out of our minds with lack of sleep and he was miserable with overtiredness. He wouldn't cosleep and gentle methods like gradual retreat and pick up/put down enraged him.

At 10 months we broke and did controlled crying (actually closer to cry it out, which I know sounds awful but the constant going in and out seemed to make things worse - I think it makes the parent feel better, but not necessarily the baby). With three or four nights he was sleeping through 7 to 7 and apart from a blip around 13 months old he slept well ever since.

It transformed our lives, our relationship and most importantly he was like a different baby. So much happier.

Good luck!

We did controlled crying with DS. He was a frequent waker and it became impossible to manage after I returned to work. It was very hard for the first couple of nights, so you do need to be very tough with yourself at first, but within a week he was sleeping through and rarely waking. When he did, he self settled with very little fuss. For us, it made the difference between ending up signed off sick with exhaustion and stress, and being able to parent and work effectively.
There are plenty on here that will tell you it's cruel, but done correctly that just isn't true. Those people aren't living your life and often have very different circumstances to those who are struggling with sleep issues.

Sorry but that is just bullshit and incredibly unhelpful. I would have quite literally sawed off my own arm of it meant helping DS sleep without causing him any distress. I tried all the gentle methods, repeatedly. But sometimes the gentle methods simply do not work and chronic poor sleep is just awful for the baby. DS was like a different child within a few days of better sleep. Controlled crying was an unpleasant thing to do as a parent but absolutely and 100% the right thing to do for the sake of DS.

Depends on the child, with some picking them up just stimulates them so much that they find it even harder to go to sleep after. If he is already a very light sleeper, I would be inclined to try controlled crying, dont talk, dont look at him (eye contact is very stimulating for babies) and keep the room lights off. We used the hall light on low so we didnt trip on stuff

its v hard the first couple of nights, but then they just crack it and work out how to self soothe. I think a better name is sleep teaching rather than sleep training.

Is that the most constructive thing you can say. Who made you the baby Police. If you’ve nothing helpful to contribute you’d be better keeping quiet.

What a nasty, spiteful thing to say.

We did the Ferber method and it worked perfectly. It's controlled trying with check ins at intervals (you can google guides easily online). We didn't pick her up, just put reassuring hand on chest. And kept check ins short, under 2 minutes. It was life changing. We did it at 8 months and she's basically slept through since, with brief periods when she was ill or we were abroad or whatever where it went a bit wobly.

My health visitor advised me to do CC when I was on my knees with exhaustion. My son was about five months old. The first night he cried for an hour - one of us went in to him every five minutes and his sister was sitting in her bed in the same room, reading. The second night he cried for forty minutes. The third night he went down without a problem. His sister said he didn't go to sleep immediately but just lay there quietly and went to sleep in a few minutes.

@showersandflowers That's what I did, though I didn't know there was a name for it. I just patted his chest and whispered for about thirty seconds each time. I think picking them up would give them the wrong message.

Hi op, I've been there with a terrible sleeper and willing to try everything.

After all gentle methods had failed we tried Ferber at 11 months. We read the book, made notes, did a plan. We stuck to it for 10 days...

I don't say this to put you off, I have friends who did it and it worked absolute miracles for them. But for us it was a bust. Ten days of hell and we gave up as even the book stated if there was no improvement after that time, to stop as it's likely just not going to work for that particular child. He wasn't "self settling" at all just working himself up until he was exhausted. Still woke in the night. We had to do a lot of work after to ease anxiety over bed times. Like I say, I'm just giving my experience BUT I don't judge anyone for trying it and it DOES work for some, just not all. All babies are different. Ours has since been referred for an autism assessment and is still very sensitive and clingy now at almost 5, except we understand more about why and how he finds it very difficult to wind down. It's just something he needs support with.

He also never settled in our bed! What worked for us was taking the sides off his cot bed at 18 months so I could lay with him. Until then, I'd cuddle him in a travel cot in his room, then I could just slide him from my lap to the mattress and climb out 🤣 Sounds mad (it probably was) but it worked!

Good luck with whatever you decide to do op and remember, there's always a way even if it's a little "outside the box" 🙂

Thank you all for your kind messages (apart from one that I didn’t get to read before it was deleted…) and experiences. We’re going to start controlled crying tonight, wish us luck! I’ll post in a weeks time for an update 😅

You didn’t deserve the comment that was deleted. Good luck tonight. Keep your resolve. Things will improve 💐

At that age, I’d do controlled crying. I think pick up/put down is better suited when they are a little younger though it is totally baby dependent.

@T999 Hi OP, we're in this situation with our 10 month old and I wondered how you got on? Our little one has got to the point where he only wants to be held at night and I'm utterly exhausted!

@Muse21 Hello! So sorry you’re going through this! Sleep deprivation is just the worst thing.

We tried the controlled crying for 3 nights but we both found it really difficult. Neither of us could stand listening to him cry and he would just cry and cry all night. After night 3, we both decided we couldn’t do it 😓 maybe if we had carried on then it may have worked but it wasn’t for us.

My son is now a year old and is sleep has improved drastically. He still has the odd bad night but generally better. Our son had severe tongue tie (we didn’t know he had this at the time) which has since been sorted and has made a huge difference with everything.

So sorry I can’t be of more help! We just powered through somehow. Some people say controlled crying helped them so much so if it’s something you want to try, anything is worth a go! ❤️