Am I in the wrong?!

[JAP23]

I'd like other's opinions on this as I feel like I am loosing the plot..

Basically my mom calls me everyday to ask what I'm doing or what I have done for the day if I go out with my friend she wants to know, where we went, what was said etc, then on the weekends when my husband and children are home she will be calling or texting me telling me the weather is nice why don't we do this or that or go here and there.. again asking what our plans are if I say nothing we all want to chill out as it's been a long week we get made to feel like we are awful parents!

She has a key to our home, and instead of just knocking knowing I am home as my car is on the drive she just lets herself in and sometimes sneaks in quietly I feel like it's trying to catch me out?! we get no phone call to say she is popping in sometimes she pops in twice a day, I feel absolutely suffocated and that I just can't escape I go out and she's on the phone asking me what I'm going or where I am!

My son is her favourite and my other son, well she clearly shows she doesn't have much time for him, they are treated completely different, she's said things to my son like well your mom and dad should say sorry to you for that or makes sneaky comments to him for him to have no respect for us.

She has told people we can't be bothered with our kids (we was renovating our family home on a tight budget! So didn't have the money for expensive days our while doing it) instead she made sly comments to people like all we care about is the house (we was living on part building site with no kitchen!) it wasn't by choice we didn't want to go out but we had to finish what we started whilst both working and fitting everything in with children.

The list is endless, but it's now starting to have a effect on me mentally and I really just want to move not to far but we are 2 roads from each other as she has moved closer to us! I'm thinking of living out of the town we live in to a village just to have more distance!

Please opinion's would be so helpful! Thank you!

I would ask for the key back and if she refuses change the locks. You need to tell her to give you some space. If she messages too often then don't reply. There doesn't seem to be much point moving if she will follow you again? Tell her she is being too involved in your life and she needs to get some interests of her own. Tell her about all the interesting hobbies the mothers of your friends have. "What a shame you don't have any hobbies, mum." Take her to join some clubs, encourage her to get involved in volunteering.

I can totally understand how you feel. My "D"m used to be overbearing too. I've had to develop some pretty strong boundaries.

I can understand you letting her do what she wants. She's conditioned you over a long period of time but why is your DH going along with this?

First things first. Tomorrow change your lock. There are videos of how to do it on YouTube and it should be fairly cheap.

If she mentions that her key doesn't work just feign ignorance. I had to do this years ago with my "D"M.

Then stop accepting all of her calls. She's being mean not only to you and DH but to one of your DS too.

So just stop answering them all. Maybe call her back when the DC are in bf and say you were busy. If she asks what you were doing say something non-committal like "oh you know, we were all busy" and ask her what she's been doing. My "D"M loves talking about herself and can be very easily distracted with some questions about her life.

If she comes around answer the door with a coat in your hand and say that you were just going out and you'll call her tomorrow.

She won't like boundaries being out in place. She will resist but she's currently way too involved in m your life and is also criticising you behind your back. This is not the actions of someone who is your friend and you shouldn't tolerate it.

Think of how your less favoured by her DS feels and use your inner rage to put some distance between her and all of you.

There doesn't seem to be much point moving if she will follow you again? Tell her she is being too involved in your life and she needs to get some interests of her own.

Agree that there's not much point in moving if she's going to keep moving closer. You need to live somewhere that's convenient for you, your DH and the DC. Living in a small village for term DC can be difficult.

Change the lock and stop answering all of her calls

Stop letting her walk all over you! Get the key back, change the locks, tell her straight to ring before she comes over, tell her how you parent is not her business, and tell her the favouritism between grand children needs to stop. Pretty simple op, grow a backbone and do it.

Thank you for your reply! It's so hard as she does things like give my children food I don't let them eat, lets them have access to her adult Netflix account so they are watching things 18+ I've asked for the key before but she always seems to manage to get her way back to us give her another key! She's has said some really awful things to people behind our back and I just can't get over it, I feel like it's driving me crazy, then she calls like she hasn't just been slagging me off?!

My "D"M is exactly like this. Super critical. Talks about everyone behind their backs, especially me and my DSis then is as nice as pie to your face.

I can't emphasise this enough, you need to change the locks and stop letting her in. As I said before she will tantrum. Expect some poor behaviour but you need to stay strong for the sake of your MH, your marriage and the your relationship with your DC. She is not more important than any of those things, even if she thinks she is.

Change the locks, stop answering the phone and have a standard response for texts to shut her down

Thank you so much, my gosh it's so hard isn't it. My sibling has always been the golden child yet he does absolutely nothing and no ambition in life, I feel we are doing well and she should be proud, I will never understand why they have to slag us off behind our backs, it's so wrong I would never do that about my children ever. I have said to her before please don't just turn up and let yourself in or if your passing just knock and I was met with a massive tantrum telling me she should not need a appointment to see her daughter and I make her feel so unwanted! When all I want is to not feel suffocated and a little distance

Thank you so much, my gosh it's so hard isn't it. My sibling has always been the golden child yet he does absolutely nothing and no ambition in life, I feel we are doing well and she should be proud, I will never understand why they have to slag us off behind our backs, it's so wrong I would never do that about my children ever. I have said to her before please don't just turn up and let yourself in or if your passing just knock and I was met with a massive tantrum telling me she should not need a appointment to see her daughter and I make her feel so unwanted! When all I want is to not feel suffocated and a little distance

Totally get that. My DSis was the Golden Child for the first 30 odd years of her life. Now she takes it in turns, so it's whichever one of us is being helpful. Being the Golden Child is like having a gift that looks lovely on the outside but only causes harm.

You've told her before that she needs to let you know if she's coming around. You got the tantrum. She should have to do this, it's basic manners.

She's putting her needs before yours and your family's. That is not on. She may think she's more important but she's not.

If a DF criticised you to everyone and then walked into your house whenever they wanted you'd cut them off.

You need to start thinking about what is more important here, a happy home or how your DM thinks about you.

Personally I'll take the option of being the Devil Daughter every day as the other option is her being here

Easier said then done but my advice would be

• get the keys back and accept you can never give them to her again, so you can't ask for favours that require keys
• don't answer the phone so often
• ignore what she says to other people, you can't control that
• every time she treats your son poorly leave with both children, go for a walk, need to go to the shops anything. But do not tolerate that.

Just wanted to add that it might be helpful reading up on FOG and using the Grey Rock Method.

I do the Grey Rock with my own "D"M but ask her questions about herself and what she's been up to. She loves taking about herself so it's easy to guide the conversation.

My "D"M did attempt to use Flying Monkeys when I first started to strengthen my boundaries. Your "D"M may do the same.

Like I said before, now you realise what she's doing, how little respect she has for your wishes but expects hers to be absolutely catered for, and the effect it's having on your family you have a choice whether to continue as you are or to change. I hope you take the change

If she comes around answer the door with a coat in your hand and say that you were just going out and you'll call her tomorrow.

I wouldn't bother discussing any of this with her. You've already asked she ring before she comes around and she kicked off. So just start leaving. Or say it's tea time mom, see you tomorrow, and get her her coat. It'll feel so rude but she's going to bitch about you either way.

I'd also start ignoring the people who feedback what she's saying- they're not adding to your life. Cut them off when they start telling you what she's said.

Totally agree.

You can't ask favours where she comes to your home and you give her a key. That is confusing for someone like your "D"M. Change the locks and no more keys or favours.

You definitely can't control what she says, so don't sweat it.

And always, always remove yourself and your DC if she behaves poorly.

The problem is I couldn't see her leaving! And she just walks in doesn't ring the bell just uses her key and walk straight in, anytime she wants. There has been a few people tell me recently only because they have said they feel I have a right to know it wasn't in a malicious way or anything at all like that, but she has seen how awful she has been to me over the years, her advice was I needed to pull away and get more of a distance I feel I need this so much!

Then you leave, mom we're going out, see ya.

The problem is I couldn't see her leaving! And she just walks in doesn't ring the bell just uses her key and walk straight in, anytime she wants

Have you not got a chain or a deadlock?

I have now, my husband is fitting it today, although they aren't that practical as I am locking my husband out haha, he is going to call me when he's close to home to get me to unlock as he gets home late I'm normally upstairs sorting the little ones out!