18 month old daughter prefers Dad

[BeingGracesMum]

Hi everyone,
I am new to the community and really desperate for some help or words of wisdom right now. My 18 month old baby girl has in the last 3 months or so taken to refusing to let me put her to bed, feed /settle her at night if she wakes up and only wants Dad, so much that she gets more upset when i try. It is becoming soul destroying and I do not know where to turn as I am starting to question my ability to be her Mum and i feel like she does not need me. I have been back to work part time for a year now and we have a routine which was great up until around 3 months ago - before that I absolutely loved the fact that bedtime was our moment and i could put her in bed each night and I was able to settle her if she woke in the night, but the last time i put her to bed was September and i remember it well - it was an evening my partner was not home. Since then, it has all changed and even when he popped out for milk recently at bedtime, it was like i was a complete stranger and he had left her with me. Any words of advice that can ease my pain would be so appreciated right now. xx

I’m sorry you’re feeling like this OP. I doubt your daughter prefers dad, there are many different reasons why she might prefer him to put her to bed currently. My DC go through phases of wanting one or the other of us in particular to do bedtime and getting upset if the other does it. She could just enjoy that time with him if he works full time, whereas you said you’re part time so presumably spend more time with her in general. It could also just be that she is enjoying the change and will soon revert back to wanting you when the novelty wears off. It’s easier said than done but try not to let it get you down and enjoy having one less job to do while it lasts!

Oh, OP your post has really touched me as I can feel how hurt you are. I don´t have words of wisdom. This happened to us the other way round. My daughter will only have me and not her dad, at bedtime and anything else. He has found it very difficult. She is now 6 and he has been able to join in more moments with her, but she wants me at bedtimes. It all started when his mental health went down the drain and he didn´t bond. I wouldn´t think this is your case, as you haven´t mentioned such a thing. I wish you find the help you need. There is a lot of wisdom here that will help💐

It’s normal OP, please try to not take it personally and enjoy the time you get before it all inevitably changes and swings around to you.

For a few months around this age, DD was obsessed with her Dad, I just rolled with it and it’s more even these days. Honestly he was all she spoke about, the person she ran to for comfort, the person whose name she called when she was sad. It’s just one of those things.

Have you tried doing bedtime together? DP and I do bedtime together as default, we have our own roles, so don’t get in each other’s way. It means she needs us for different things at bedtime and its also easier to put DD to bed if either one of us is ever out.

I think it will change again and go the other way. They are a bit fickle and this sort of thing is very common. I would enjoy your own time at bedtime as soon enough you will be summoned back to her!

Aw OP don’t fret. She’s so bonded with you that she just sees you as an extension of herself - it doesn’t even cross her mind that you’ll go anywhere, you’re just part of her. So she’s not actually pushing you away, she’s just exploring ‘new’ things (other people, ie. Dad) and learning about the world around her. Other things are exciting at the moment, and she knows you will always be there.

Thank you so so much for your words, guys. It is hard as I am the earner in our household and currently down to 4 days as a solicitor,. My partner works in retail and does his 4 days so that he has DD two days that I work and my mum has her the other two days. But i am with her the same amount of time that he is outside of work so i think our time together is equal and our routine was working fine until September. I always did bedtime including bath, pyjamas, cuddles and book/story time and bottle and then up to bed and i still do all of that except the taking her up to bed part which she now instantly puts her hands out for dad to take her. I was absolutely fine with that until she started fighting me and getting upset when i went through to settle her during the night when she woke as i now feel my presence makes her more upset. It is very difficult and i try to continue as normal but it is hard when she just pushes me away not to question yourself. xx

Loropianalover Thank you this makes so much sense and really helps me feel better. xx

I had this with my son when he was that age- it threw me too- I wasn't expecting it. I was teaching at the time and worked silly long hours so I think it's just that my husband looked after him for more time. It's actually a good sign of a secure attachment because she knows she can reject you and you'll still love her. The roles will reverse at some point- these days my son protests if hubby puts him to bed! The fun of parenting eh!

It's really important not to take it personally as this will just drive you to despair. It's good to see from other posters that their daddy-preferring only lasted a small amount of time, but in our case I'm afraid it's gone on for 4 years and counting (ds is nearly 5). It does ebb and flow, and we've been quite strict on maintaining alternate bedtimes so ds doesn't have a chance to dictate who deals with him, but it is really hard to deal with, I feel for you. Maybe doing 59% of the bedtimes no matter the protesting might help?

*50% I mean - no need to be that specific!

Thank you guys - i really appreciate all of the wisdom and helpful thoughts. It has been a tough weekend but i have persisted and put DD to bed every night and i did manage to settle her. It filled me with such joy, honestly, and i said to my partner that i feel i should continue doing bedtime now for a while on my own. I hope it is just a phase, even my Mum noticed it this weekend when we met up to go shopping - she was screaming after her Gran in shops when she disappeared and just seemed as if i was not even there. I keep focusing on your kind words that it is a sign of more bonded and attachment and she is exploring every one else around her for the time being as Mummy is boring and will always be there! :) xxx