Breadwinner mum bond

[devon85]

I returned to work a few months ago when my baby was 5.5 months (would have wanted to be off for longer but couldn’t for various reasons). I work full time and have a demanding job. My husband is much more flexible and can be around for our daughter more after work (she is in nursery during the day!) but I often work late - they are starting to seem a lot closer and I worry she will prefer him.

I’m worried our bond is going to be damaged because of me working, but I don’t really have an option to reduce my hours right now. I am with her some evenings and weekends and try to spend as much time with her as possible. I had to stop breastfeeding her at 4 months so I feel some guilt over that as well.

Looking for some comfort and reassurance from mums who have experienced similar situations but are close with their children as I don’t know any other mums who work like I do and I’m feeling really lonely!

Hi OP, I'm not quite in the same boat as I'm 4 days and my husband is 4 days too- but the guilt and worry is so hard. I totally sympathise.
You are doing a great job and nobody would think it unusual the other way around (I.e. dad being the one working longer hours).
Can you do any working from home so you can pop your head in when she comes home even if you nip back to work straight after? That helps me.
Also really make the most of your weekends together planning fun bonding things to do. Quality over quantity.
I had a stay at home mother and our time together wasn't always quality because she was so stressed and she got no break. Whereas I have more patience with my DD because I love our time together and have some time to be me too.
No easy answers but you're providing a great role model for your daughter.

Also you won't lose your bond - you carried her inside you, you're there in the night when she needs you, you're there when she's poorly, you're her mum. Nobody will replace that.

I'd say short term you probably will find they have a closer bond. But as she gets older it evens out again

Hi there - firstly, please don't worry. Your bond with your daughter will always be strong. I went back to work at a similar time to you, full time while my husband was freelance so around more. Also for several years I was away every week for one or two nights for work. My now 18 year old has a great bond with me AND her dad, hugs, honest conversations, lots of love. (Don't get me wrong, she's still a teenager so life isn't always roses!) And the great thing about her dad taking on more when she was young is that he fully understands how hard it is. The back breaking drudgery that can be part of parenting a young child.

I went back to work after 9 months, with my husband doing 3 months of Shared Parental Leave as our child's main carer.

I'm also the higher earner.

It is very tough at first, to leave your young baby. However, try not to resent your husband having a good bond with your child. You will both always be her special parents, and you're her only mum. He's not becoming "preferred parent", and if he was - does it matter?

(My toddler is constantly favouritising the other parent! She stood on the landing for 15 mins this morning asking for "Dada!" - who had left for work - to get her dressed, before caving and bringing her chosen outfit to me. If she wakes at night, she screams and pushes Dada, away because she wants "Muuuuhmeeeee")

The reality is that with 2 working parents, it's best if you do both muck in equally and can cope alone when needed. However, underneath this, is a desire to get more time with your child yourself. What needs to happen to make that reality?

Thank you everyone. That’s really helpful. It’s just nice to hear stories of people who are in similar boats as I really don’t know anyone who is.

Do you have any colleagues who are parents? I found being open just a few times about the bad night with my toddler, or the difficulties of a transition back to work, suddenly led to a raft of older colleagues (male and female) sharing their experiences of juggling family life and work. They've honestly been the best support network, and I've avoided that feeling of isolation and loneliness.

It is very tough getting back into things and you feel very torn - especially if your job is left rewarded post maternity leave.