School refuser (ebsa)

[BabyPandaa]

Anyone on here have a school refuser/ avoider? How do you deal with the crying every morning 😔he refuses to get up or get dressed it’s becoming so draining I dread the school mornings I struggle to get him to school in the mornings as he won’t get up or get out of bed

What the child’s age?
is the refusal cos of unmet needs or do they just not want to bother?
are they eating/sleeping ok?
are they doing anything outside of school?

children don’t get so distressed for no reason so what is the reason?

(My lo was ok in primary, lots of support, but did struggle with sensory needs, couldn’t cope with secondary until I got the right environment for them, no refusals now but did miss a yr of school until I got the right school!) (sen/Asd)

Ps I hate the term ebsa as it focuses on child refusing when in reality it is more likely the environment is wrong for said child!

No he doesn’t have any Sen, he’s just always hated school since he started in reception and he says it’s everything, teachers, children, the work, but I think he struggles most with how long the day is. He is 10

Unidentified Sen? Something is obviously too much for him

Yes. Sort of.

Dd2 (9) anxiety got so overwhelming she stopped eating before school and at school. She has a few things going on at the moment but has been diagnosed with OCD.

I'm in Australia so our aporoach may not work with how schools operate in England, but we pulled her out of school for 5 weeks (2 weeks were school holidays) tried to get her back eating. Then reintroduced school with a couple of hours in the morning, and have now increased until she's there until lunch time and only missing 1 hour of teaching.

The school send home work that she has missed.

I have a feeling there’s going to be some huge enquiries into the education system soon and parents will be appalled

I would suspect that there is an underlying reason, either something going on at school or unidentified SEN/anxiety.

An approach like @BusStop32 described would maybe have worked for mine, but many UK schools are inflexible and focus on perfect attendance at all costs.

As it was my dc (all ASD) ended up being home educated because it was impossible to work with their schools in a way that would help and we were threatened with fines, and my dc became more and more traumatised by the rigid inflexible system (ironically we were all far more adaptable as autistic people than the schools were, and they were meant to be able to put in reasonable adjustments, but showed time and time again that they were incapable of it!).

Obviously there is a lot that happens in between. Your school may be helpful, they are likely to have dealt with this before so should come up with some suggestions to try.

There is a FB group called Not Fine at School which is chockablock full of parents whose dc are struggling with this, so you might find ideas and solidarity there.

If you can afford to go private there are many prep schools that offer a much better experience than state schools currently do (it goes against my instincts to say that, but sadly right now it’s true. If I could have done that for my dc I would have in a heartbeat).

At the end of the day though I believe the school system has become an unsafe environment for many of our children. SEN children are the ones dropping like flies at the moment, others will follow.
I’d extend that to say school has become toxic for most involved and needs a massive overhaul. For some reason adults involved seem to be rather attached to the current education system, even though it very obviously isn’t working for so many.

I’ve been told that current figures for my county council area of children being removed from school has gone up 34% this year so far. That’s enormous. Lots of children are being let down.

Edited to add: sorry, this became a bit of a rant at the system, which probably isn’t helpful!

Thanks for the comments I’m on not fine in school but I am not using it as they push home education too much which isn’t an option. Where I am that would be a reduced time table and they will not allow that as he doesn’t have Sen and not ehcp. I do believe he has anxiety around school but we’ve tried everything his school has been very good but it doesn’t change anything.

I did, but he is autistic, there were days where i used to take him there, still in his pjs with his uniform in his bag.

Might not have been the right course of action, but i more or less gave him no choice, even if it meant physically picking him up and carrying him to the car.

Yes there were days when i would give him a 'mental health' day if he had a meltdown, but i also made it clear that not going was not an option and he either got dressed, or went in wearing his pjs and got dressed there. I acknowledged his upset, validated his feelings, expressed how we all had to do stuff we didn't want to do, but still had to do it, gave him space to cry, but never gave in to the tears and refusals.

Usually i'd tell him to get up, have breakfast, and then we'd talk about it.. but i had to take DD to school (we always had to drive, i'm disabled) so he had to come with us anyway because i wouldn't let him make DD late.. generally by the time we were walking into school with DD i'd just drag him to reception and hand him over to his TA.

It was all discussed with the school, things were in place AT school to help him. He had therapy, a load of sensory stuff, ear defenders, sensory chews, a stuffed toy to carry, fidget toys and access to a calm room to take time out (and usually where he started his day). Sometimes i'd pick him up early, sometimes he'd survive the whole day.

It stopped when he went to special school in year 7. It was 100% down to environment.. he couldn't handle the noise, visual and auditory. He didn't miss a single day (unless ill) from then on.

How much have you talked to the school about it? Have they offered any help, or assessments, or access to counselling? Have you considered moving schools or home schooling?

OP sorry this is so hard. you might find this thread helpful https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5003192-the-ebsa-support-thread-emotionally-based-school-avoidanceabsence?page=1

i did that when he was little (not the pjs) but making him go but he is too big for that now, I can’t move his school as he is off to secondary school soon anyway which I think will be 100x worse for him if he hates primary so much can’t see him loving secondary. The school have helped a lot even moved his class which started off well but now he is back to crying every morning.

Thanks I will take a look

I would suggest that if this is an issue (and it is) then he does have SEN, even if there’s no diagnosis. He needs some extra help to see if anything can be improved.

SEN doesn’t necessarily mean a diagnosable disability, but even anxiety around school attendance is a SEN.

I would find a way to word this to school, and find out who the SENCO is and make sure you email everything. If you have a meeting follow it up with a meeting outline everything that has been discussed, including any time they suggest there is no SEN. Paper trails are essential.

I’d also suggest seeing a gp. We got to the point where my boys school refused and every time this happened I’d report it to the gp so there was a record with them as well.

Request a meeting with the SENCO. What support is the school providing?

DS does have SEN. What you describe meets the definition. He clearly has SEMH needs, at the very least. Quite possibly Communication and Interaction and Cognition and Learning needs too if DS says the teachers and other pupils and work are part of the problem. He may also have sensory needs too.

If DS can’t attend school full time, the LA has a duty to ensure he still receives a suitable full-time education. This is different to elective home education. It is also different to flexi-schooling, you don't need the school to agree and you wouldn't be responsible for the provision. On their website, IPSEA has a model letter you can use to request this. You should also consider requesting an EHCNA. IPSEA has a model letter for this too.

He has anxiety I wasnt aware that was considered Sen, I just mean he is not autistic but definitely has anxiety. The school do a lot I have weekly meetings with them and he has counselling, friendship groups as he was refusing to speak to any of the other children, none of it makes a difference he just doesn’t want to go.

Schools can be keen to avoid the SEN route as it means more work for them (although I believe a child has more funding if they are on the SEN register?)

You may need to push them on this and be a squeaky wheel!

The needs you describe are definitely special educational needs.

Can you reframe your view. “DS just doesn’t want to go” gives the impression DS is choosing not to go. It is far more likely he is unable to go.

Adding a child to the SEN register doesn’t automatically result in more funding. The notional SEN budget doesn’t work like that. It is based on a complex formula taking into account several factors.

Have to agree with @BrightYellowTrain re changing your view.

Your dc is telling you something isn't right for them, and you need to listen. I know it goes against everything as a parent, but missing some school is better than missing all of it.

Dd2 feels more in control now regarding school and her anxiety. She has gone every day, happily, for the past month. True, she hasn't completed a full day yet, but she's calmer and we're all happier.

Good luck. I'm thankful we're no longer in the English school system going through this.

Does he speak to anyone at school? Have you considered selective mutism?