Lost Temper with Kids - At end of my rope

[BusyFinch]

Tonight I really lost my temper with my teenage kids. Literally shouting at them, banging on bathroom door and then opened dd’s bedroom door in a rage and she was stood behind it and it hit her on head. Took away ds’s Alexa which he physically tried to take back from me unsuccessfully a d then took away their bedside lamps a d turned off fuse to upstairs lights.

literally every last thing I ask of them either just gets ignored or they just talk over me and start laughing and joking amongst themselves like I’m not even speaking. Or if they do do what I’ve asked it’s after minutes/hours/days of cajoling and reminding. They’re year 8 and 9 at school so old enough to know better imo.

I was literally in an utter rage. Every evening I take their devices away and ask them to get ready for bed - a process which takes them hours. Meanwhile I’m trying to sleep/relax and all I can hear is them talking loudly, in an out of each others rooms and the bathroom, running around upstairs etc etc until 11pm at night.

Left to their own devices they’d be up into early hours and then I struggle to get my son up and out in time for school. He’s been late so many times, so many detentions but nothing changes. He has an Alexa but doesn’t set the alarm. If I set it he turns the alarm off.

i can’t live like this anymore. Their friends are here 4+ times per week and stating for dinner / sleepovers too. I’m starting to feel used like I’m running a hotel for them. Meanwhile the smallest thing I ask gets ignored. My dd sasses me and my ds ignores me and is generally dismissive.

Ive tried talking to them about my concerns but they just are rude and start negating my points, minimising their actions and generally explaining away my concerns.

my voice is sore now from shouting and my dd has been given an ibuprofen and an ice pack for her head which no doubt will come up into a bruise by the morning.

their dad was an emotionally abusive narcissist and they are taking after him. I kicked my second husband out 3 months ago - he was emotionally abusive to me and the kids. Now the kids are treating me like utter shit.

I do everything for them - running them to hobbies nearly every night, catering for friends, sleepovers, parties and they do barely anything to contribute to running of house.

Dd literally leaves rubbish on her bedroom floor treats her room like a dustbin and make up stains, pens, clothes, perfume bottles, bottles of drink on the carpet and gives zero shits. Treats me like I’m her maid. Puts barely worn clothes to be laundered rather than having to put them away in the wardrobe or drawers as she just can’t be arsed and it’s easier for her to just chuck it in the laundry bin and have me wash it than tidy up her clothes.

im so over this shit and literally was furious tonight. I’m seriously considering going absolutely nothing for them from now on. No hobbies, no friends over, no sleepovers, no lifts to school, only very basic packed lunch, nothing nice, no money on school dinners account, take ps5 I got ds fir his birthday back for a refund (cost me £400), minimal xmas presents (dd gave me a xmas list that was over £500 - her dad has apparently bought £350 worth I said I’d spend £200 but f that why should I?)

dd has said she’s going to phone childline and go and live with her dad as it will apparently be much better with him (total joke as he can’t even be bothered to take the kids to their hobbies or friends parties - one party when dd was with him he refused to send dd with a card or present and she ended up making a card and putting £10 of her own money in - I found all this out when she came home - I was furious) yet dad is the apparently the best person ever and I get treated like a fucking servant and piece of shit by both my kids.

Feeling very sad. What can I do?

When I sat them both down tonight to explain why I was mad they just talked over me, son swinging round and round on the desk chair rather than listen, daughter saying she didn’t know why I was mad as she’d unloaded and loaded dishwasher tonight ;as if that makes up for years of treating me like utter shit.

They kept giggling in my face and saying stupid sayings like ‘what the sigma’ and other inane teen phrases over and over rather than listen to me.

At one point I was reduced to tears they gave zero shits. I explained to them that their current behaviour was disrespectful a d was one of the ways they are treating me like I’m unimportant but they continued.

i apologised for opening the door and it hitting my daughters head to which she stated ‘you did it on purpose- you’re just saying that to make me feel better’

i am literally so fed up of how I’m being treated in my own home. First abused by husband one, then by husband two and now by my kids wtaf.

I once sent eldest to live with her useless father for bad behaviour like this (she was 15). Wasn't long before she wanted to come back.
Why are you giving their devices straight back so they carry on the same the next night? Take them away for a much longer period and store them at a friend's house. They don't get them back until their attitude improves. If it doesn't they go for good.
Draw up a list of chores for each person and stick to it. If they don't put their washing on it doesn't get done. If they don't tidy their room it stays like it. If they don't unload the dishwasher they won't have a clean plate for dinner etc etc.
Stop being a willing taxi service and stop spoiling them and trying to be their friend. Start parenting them with consequences. Homework not done then they don't go to the party.
Maybe make an appointment with your GP and seek some help with your own wellbeing too.
Best of luck x

Problem is they would love to go and live with their dad. No rules, endless PlayStation, tv in room, he warns 6 figures so all the latest skin care and goodies from Waitrose & M&S in cupboard. Also he just bought a puppy. He’s asked for 50-50 just to avoid child maintenance too. I’m resisting for the good of the kids otherwise they will turn out to be narcissistic like their dad.

Agree with chore list and will be doing that 100%. Tried in the past taking devices away - it doesn’t work and has never worked to change behaviour in the past. As they play up at bedtime so much I’ve started taking them away at 8pm instead of 9.30 like I used to do.

Sympathies. Single parenting is hard but especially after an abusive relationship.

It's also very hard on the children. Being teenagers they express it in their own way. "What the sigma" is just teen speak and that's their way of coping.

Please don't compare their behaviour with your ex, and especially not to their face. It's completely different because they are not your partner and they are not adults.

But it's not okay for you to be talked over or to be ignored.

Simple strategies might be to quietly say it's overwhelming for you and not okay; you recognise the rough time they've had and you want to support them, but not to the point of running yourself into the ground.

Simply point out to your DD that you'll limited washing. It's up to you what that looks like: it might be you'll do a wash on a certain day for her and she does any extras if she can't be bothered to hang clothes up. It might be that you say you'll do a certain amount of loads per week per person and that's all.

When they talk over you, say that's not okay and you'll talk when they respect you. But don't abuse it by waffling on too much! If they refuse, exit. If they haven't gleaned important information from your conversation because they didn't listen then it's on them.

They might have to experience the consequences before they take notice.

Don't threaten to send them to Dad's to teach them a lesson, that'll be seen as abandonment. Believe it or not, they need you to be their anchor still.

If you don't want to wake them then don't! Let them choose the Alexa alarm or detention. But if you're up anyway, why not nudge them?

No more taxi rides unless they've earned it - but be fair. Same with sleepovers, in fact, that should probably end for a while and only resume when you're ready and at your pace.
It shouldn't be a weapon but to stop your overwhelm.

The late nights is a problem all over the globe and I'm not sure what age parents sleep before their teenagers! But if they're disrupting your sleep that's a respect issue again and really, I'd go to the extreme of shutting wifi off at 11pm. Again, not as a threat or overly strict; it's got to be fair to everyone which usually means a bit of compromise on both sides.

Good luck op. And be gentle with yourself as much as with them. We don't have each other for long and you all deserve a bit more peace.

@BoundaryLine thank you fit your understanding. After the shit I’ve been through in my marriage over the last 6 years I’d just really like to be treated like my wants/needs are important without having to have a struggle just to be treated like a human being as default would be nice.

The Alexa has been confiscated along with all their devices and a traditional alarm clock installed. Ds was chatting on Alexa to friends / listening to music into early hours and unable to rise for school.

We will see what unfolds but I am certainly going to be doing absolutely ‘f a’ for them for the foreseeable. My concern is they genuinely don’t understand what they’ve done wrong - they just think I’m going off on one.

Hugs, kids suck sometimes. Once they get their devices back get an app that limits when they can access the wifi. I would even expect them to earn their internet usage. Have another meeting and when they start acting like idiots tell them you will be willing to discuss the new house rules when they are ready, and then turn off the wifi. If they have phones change them to just phones no internet access. Once they realise they need to listen to you, you can sit them down and tell them how it’s going to be.

@Guest100 have you tried any such Apps to restrict internet access? And how would I change from internet s d phone of their iPhones to just phone? My ex husband pays for the kids phones and I have no access to the settings for them.

Yes will 100% be turning off WiFi until they are ready to discuss new house rules - boss move.

Question is what should new house rules be?

There are a lot of different apps if you google it a few options come up.

With the phones if their dad pays for the phones then there isn’t much you can do, other than stop them using your home wifi. Eventually the data will run out and they won’t be able to use.

I would make no food in bedrooms a rule, maybe a time that they need to be quiet by at night, cleaning their rooms. You can have a mums night off where no kids over and no being driven around. Set nights they can have friends over.

They probably will threaten to live with their dad. You might need to call their bluff.

I feel for you as teenagers are hard, but you've literally said in your comments that you married and moved in a man who has abused you and the kids for six years.. after your first husband who was a complete narcissist. Were you really expecting your kids to come out of the other side of that, well rounded, very well behaved children, who do exactly what you say when you say it?

Or, was the house ruled in fear before, and now they have a bit of freedom they are going a bit wild with it? I think you need to reflect on if this is normal teenage behaviour or if this is a byproduct of removing the abusive element that has been a presence in their lives since they were 6 and 7?

They may struggle to have respect for your authority because that is what has been modelled to them for at least half their lives, just because you've finally woke up and called time on being abused, doesn't mean they've had a screen wipe of everything they've seen and heard.

Trying to find new and different ways of punishing them, instead of trying to repair the damage that you've been complicit in inflicting, is quite disturbing.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but I really think you are downplaying your own part in this situation and are conveniently blaming them for basically being children.

If I make a time they have to be quiet at night by they just ignore and keep making noise. Only thing I could do is refuse to hand over devices in the morning if behaviour has been poor the night before. Ugh this is so bloody exhausting - is it too much to ask that kids are just decent human beings as default why does it have to be such a struggle 😭

Sorry but that’s Bang out of order @sandyhappypeople. I have not been complicit in inflicting any abuse. My second husband was emotionally abusive to me and kids so I kicked him out and am divorcing him. And failing to treat one’s own mother with basic decency, albeit something they may have seen, does not make it something I should tolerate.

As for punishing them for ‘just being kids’ they are year 8 and 9. They are not pre-schoolers. Running around the home shrieking at all hours and treating the place like a playground/dustbin/hotel whilst disrespecting each other and me is not ‘just being a kid’ I was a kid once as were my 3 siblings and this was not how we behaved in our home.

I agree with focusing on healing as they have had a stormy time in recent years, as have I. But I’m not going to be victim shamed by you - that’s not okay.

Yes I made a shit choice of second husband, but I kicked him out. So I’ll thank you to back right off on the victim shaming BS. I’ve spent too bloody long in life tolerating BS only to come on here for support and get shamed for having made a mistake. If you’ve never made a mistake yourself bully for you, but sadly not everyone is in that position.

Also, I will not simply be shrugging my shoulders and designating this toxicity towards me as them ‘just being kids’. They do need to be shown boundaries and taught respect otherwise they’ll grow up to think it’s normal to have neither.

As for ‘conveniently downplaying my part’ in this situation @sandyhappypeople - I can’t even begin to imagine what you think my part in this situation might have been, other than making a shit choice of husbands.

I can’t see one way in which your comment was helpful - it seems a lot like kicking someone when they’re down to me. If you didn’t have anything constructive to offer why not just scroll on?

Have you sought professional help for the trauma you and the children have suffered?

No - I don’t know where to start. Just trying to be as nice to them as possible. Yelling at the kids tonight and bashing doors was not my finest hour though - and after all they’ve been through. I hate myself for being that way with them.

i am literally so fed up of how I’m being treated in my own home. First abused by husband one, then by husband two and now by my kids wtaf.

There are a few things in your posts screaming at me.

1. More than once you have suggested the children are 'like' the abusive men in their lives. This 'story' you tell yourself is deeply damaging. They had no choice at all. You had choices and so did the two men. They were forced to live with abusive scum.
2. If they are exhibiting poor behaviour it is because they have been trained to, by two of the three adult role models in their lives. It's not hard-wired, it was installed.
3. They have deep and abiding trauma. You had abusive men in your house for some of your life. They have had abusive men in their home their whole life. They are soaked in trauma. That doesn't go away ever, let alone quickly.
4. You're shouting at them, injuring them (albeit accidentally) and punishing them. And this on top of the emotional abuse they've suffered. How you think this will work, I'm baffled.

My suggestions: Family counselling. With a trauma-informed counsellor. Get as many parenting books, classes and supports as you can and learn some new skills. Rebuild your positive relationship with them. Start treating them as the traumatised children they are, not as clones of the men you chose. Understand trauma. It doesn't present as doe-eyed, scared children. It presents as angry, emotionally immature, boundary-crossing teenagers. They are still living in trauma, though. Try to get some time and space to be happy and positive with them. Together and separately. Natural consequences are OK and good, but they should be offered with love and empathy. Detentions and shouting are reinforcing their feelings of pain. And yes, because they are children that comes out as snarky, sarcastic joking and eye-rolling. This is emotional ignorance. You need to help them name and manage their emotions.

I'm sorry. You did get rid of the dickheads but now the hard work starts. And you need to do it forever, because trauma doesn't go away.

You have my sympathies op; this phase with teens is not fun and can really wear you down. So keep an eye on your own wellbeing and self-care and maybe seek out someone to talk to if it gets too much, who can give you moral support.

You losing your temper tonight is a sign that you need to step back and look after yourself a bit more, easy though that is to say, but focus on your own social life a bit more and be a bit more selfish, especially bc this difficult stage lasts about five years and then they revert back to their delightful selves once more. In other words it’s a marathon not a sprint. But it will get better! But you have to look after yourself so you can survive it.

The key to this is choosing your battles and letting them take more responsibility and letting them suffer the natural consequences when they don’t :

eg they get themselves up for school, they do their own washing, they don’t get lifts because you are too busy finishing the chores they were supposed to do, they don’t get their allowance because you have to use it to pay for a cleaner to pick up after them and because you are tired because your sleep has been disturbed etc. You can adapt this system to suit your own circumstances.

And do not respond to them - ever - if they speak to you in a disrespectful way. Just ignore or walk away. Every time.

Tell them they are only allowed friends around one night a week - four is too many - and do not tidy up in advance for them. And any cooking or buying of provisions; they do it themselves and out of their own pockets.

Stop being so available and don’t take this behaviour personally. Teens literally do not have the same ability as adults to see how much their behaviour is impacting on others, although that doesn’t give them a free pass of course, and they perceive our interactions with them as being more negative than they really are in reality too.

The key is maintaining your relationship with them so it’s not all negative and you still insist on certain key behaviours but let other things go. I let mine keep their rooms as pits for example as long as no food was moulding in there and all the mugs were brought downstairs.

It sounds like your teens are colluding with one another in their poor behaviour so don’t speak to them together. Tackle them separately.

You could try asking the older one what they think the impact of their behaviour is on the younger one? And you could ask the younger one if they always automatically fall in line with the older one? How you were hoping the older one would set more of an example? How you thought the younger one wouldn’t be so easily influenced. Maybe? If you think they might respond to that?

It all has to be appear to be part of a wider casual conversation though, not like the Spanish Inquisition.

It also sounds like they are testing you a bit to see how resilient you are following your recent split. Teens do this, and play up when you feel at your weakest, bc their inner turmoil is so full on, even though they may not show it, that they test to see if you are still strong enough to support them.

Good luck op. Things will get better. Don’t stop living your life during this phase. Do things that make you happy. Keep the lines of communication open and intervene if your think they are in imminent danger or about to do something really stupid but for all the mundane household stuff , let them get on with it.

Don't reason with them too much either. Be confident about your decisions. “I love you too much to let you get away with that” is a good phrase to use on repeat.

Good luck 💐

@MrsTerryPratchett are there any particular books or courses you would recommend? Agree that the trauma we have all been through needs to be acknowledged and addressed.

I was shouting etc not because I thought it would work, but because in a rare moment of not being my best self I lost control and was utterly frustrated, alone and at the end of my rope with managing their behaviour.

Don’t. Yes, you shouted and banged doors this evening and no, it wasn’t your finest hour.
You’re there for them though (posting here proves that if nothing else ).They might not know it now but they certainly will in a few years, as they mature and begin to look back with adult perspectives.

Start by talking to your GP. It’s difficult, embarrassing, you’ll feel like shit. it’s nothing they won’t have heard many times over though and despite all of the negative stuff in the press about the NHS, they will point you in the right direction for the help that you all need.

In the meantime, say sorry. Sit down and talk. You’ll be surprised how grown up teens can be when you talk to them as equals.

All the best.

How to talk so kids will listen and The Body Keeps the Score for starters. It might also be worth reading, How Anger Hurts your Kids. Not for your rare moment, but so you understand what happened to them.

Why not scroll on?

because I think your expectations are too high, they are children that have been bought up in a house of abuse.. and you have come here looking for ways to punish them to make them behave in a way you want them to, seemingly without a single thought as to why they may be displaying those behaviours or what you can do to help repair the damage that’s been done to them over the years.

you are a victim here, but you had a choice, they never had a choice, and you are still downplaying it now, they ARE victims in this, if you want to go on believing that they are just spoiled brats and that punishing them is the only way to get them to do what you want, then unfortunately that is your right as a parent, but you need to consider the possibility that you have a very damaged family dynamic and it is up to you to repair it now, if you don’t think you have the right tools to do that, and that screaming and slamming doors into them is the only way to make yourself heard, then look into getting some help with your trauma, so you can help them with theirs.

Op, I I didn't read any threat in @sandyhappypeople's post. Quite the opposite. She highlighted the fact that you (like me) have been complicit in their exposure to abuse - purely by virtue of enduring it yourself. It doesn't read at all as a judgement on you, rather an observation that your pain is automatically the same pain your DC will have gone through. But as a child and not as an adult.

I regret every day I stayed. I didn't see how abusive it was until someone told me. I thought it was me. My fault.

You've had some really good advice here and not one single person has criticised you in a judgemental way.

Someone has said here: walk away. If they're disrespectful don't argue, remove yourself. That's SUCH hard advice to follow but once you try it you'll be amazed.

The second thing I've learned, is that automatically, children do well IF they can do well.

My final thought is the truth: "connect before you correct" which is an attachment parenting strategy lead by Dan Siegel, and really works for both parent and child.