How do I tell my children about our divorce?

[MontyPythonSnake]

I'll be moving out with my boys (7 and 4) in 2 months. Currently still living with STBX, it's mainly amicable.

How should I tell them? A proper sit down talk with the 4 of us? Or shall I do it one to one when we go for a walk in the park to make it less intense?

I don't know if it's best to do it with them together for support or separate because their understanding and language skills are so different with the 3 year age difference.

Please let me know what worked or didn't work for you. Thank you

Anyone?

This is the way I/we did it. Do it together & fairly briefly, be clear that you’re not getting back together and be clear with what will/wont change. Explain fully both parents still love them more than anything but they don’t love each other in the way they should. Tell them they can ask any questions they have & tell them again you both love them.

My chat went something like this ;

Mummy & Daddy unfortunately don’t love each other as they should anymore and so we are going to be living separately. You will stay here in your house with me & visit daddy in his house on weekends. School won’t change, pets will stay here with us. We both will still love you more than anything in the world, you’ve done nothing wrong, we just don’t love each other now although we do care about each and we’re going to be good friends. Then my ex chipped in with ‘you’ll have 2 houses so 2 lots of presents, isn’t that great’. We probably sold it a bit too well as her reaction was like she’d won a trip to Disney🥲

Few days/weeks down the line is when the questions come. Expect some minor behaviour issues/testing boundaries. Be patient but also consistent.

2 years down the line, my DD is fully settled & it’s like a new normal.

I also pointed out friends that were in the same position which helped. I also let the school know.

Thank you. That really helped. I'm not sure when to tell them. It looks like I'll have my house in mid Jan. Maybe I should wait until the week before...I feel that would be best for the youngest as he doesn't think ahead at all so what's the point. But oldest is such a worrier and I don't want him to have more time to worry but I also think he would need time to process it. I'm not sure. Obvs don't want to do it right before Xmas. And it's his bday beginning of Dec too and don't want to do it close to then either.

I won't be moving in straight away as I'll have to order furniture so many right before I I get the keys would be fine anyway. Ahhh I'm so indecisive about it and X can't talk about it with me. But he will do what I suggest.

Why can't he talk about it with you if it's amicable?

Whatever you do, avoid any temptations to make any kind of dig or remark about the other parent. I say this as a 50 something who was deeply damaged by my parents' mutual rancour even 40 years ago. I ended up feeling I had the approval of neither of them as I loved their professed enemy. They never missed an opportunity to rant about each other to me and it was hell.

Stay civil, ask after their Dad and support their relationship with him. If you need a rant, that's what your friends are for.

Good luck OP. It sounds like you're being very thoughtful in advance.

Each child separately but largely similar script.

Some good things don't go well together, like spaghetti and ice-cream. They're better enjoyed separately. Mum and Dad are like that.That means there will be some changes in our family. Sometimes families need to make some new decisions to make sure everyone feels happy and safe. We don't have all the answers worked out yet but we will listen to you very carefully and make the decisions that are best for this family. There is nothing children can do to make people go better together or to stop them going well together. It's important to remember that some things never change. Dad and Mum will always love you and that is forever. They will always work together to make sure you are happy and safe.

And repeat.

@Entertainmentcentral oh I love that analogy and they are both foodies so will get it!

@MissBattleaxe thanks. Sorry to hear that it was difficult for you. Yes I would never bad mouth him to them.

@Pandasnacks he just puts it off and isn't as thoughtful as me anyway. So I'd rather work it out myself and then come to him with the plan.

This sounds like a good plan. Notice but not too much notice & keep everything normal between telling them & moving, lots more cuddles if they want them but all other rules still apply, they need to keep their routine.

Hope all works out for you & they’ll be just fine after the initial short bumpy road🥰

@StarDolphins thank you. People keep asking me how are my kids. I'm like they don't know yet so they are fine! We never argue infront of them.

I think I've somehow taken them asking about it as meaning that I should have told them by now. I feel like I'm procrastinating by doing it after Xmas but really I just think that if I do it before then it could take away from them enjoying Xmas which obvs I don't want.

I did it only 10 days before. I wouldn’t ruin Christmas either for them. There’s no good age but the younger they are, the better. Yours are still young. I hope it goes ok for you.

They will be fine. My DD is happy & settled now. That’s even with seeing her dad only once a week.