4 year old behaviour - who can help?

[Mays2356789]

We are really struggling with my 4 year old, his behaviour and personality seems incredibly explosive and unpredictable.

On one hand he is incredibly intelligent, understanding and caring. He met all his milestones early or on time. He was the happiest baby and toddler, we never had any ‘terrible twos’ or any behavioural issues whatsoever at home or at nursery for years.

Since around his 3rd birthday there’s slowly been negative behaviours developing that since joining school last month have become much more prevalent. Some examples -

1. he can get incredibly angry out of nowhere for the strangest reasons
2. he can be aggressive if doesn’t go his way
3. he struggles to make friends at school, he does have friends, but not in a ‘normal’ way, they’re very intense friendships and it usually a shy child who follows him around and he bosses them about
4. he can verbally be very mean to other kids
5. he struggles with the difference between reality and pretend, he loved imaginative play, but gets absolutely consumed by it. if he’s a ‘bad guy’ he becomes so in character and to an extent seems to enjoy scaring his friends
6. we’ve had two instances of him physically hurting another child at school

He has had no major life events happen, he comes from a home where there is nothing but love, and 90% of the time at home he is an exemplary child who is kind and caring and loving to all, but things just go terribly wrong out of nowhere and mostly at school.

We have tried the gentle approach and we’ve tried the stern approach, we’ve done positive reinforcement and we’ve took basically everything he likes away from him as a ‘consequence’, but nothing we seem to do makes any difference once he’s in school.

Would it be appropriate to speak to a child psychologist at this point or am I jumping the gun? I’m at my wits end of being pulled into school each day.

Around three/four is a period of rapid change for children. In your son’s case, starting school may have introduced a new set of social pressures and expectations that he's struggling with. I think it's likely he'll adapt with time but perhaps right now he's having a hard time with emotional regulation and social skills. I think this isn't that uncommon at four tbh.

You say he's v imaginative - my son is similar and I often found he struggled with the boundaries between playing and real life at that age. Speaking with a child psychologist could help you maybe with some strategies to help him manage his emotions.

V positive that he's exemplary 90% of the time at home though! What are his teachers saying? Can they offer you support within school? I know schools have provision for this but you gotta push for it!