4yo dreading school play and teacher is a bit eye rolly

[MumoftwoNCno7]

My dd, age 4, is dreading being in the Christmas school play.

She's always hated dressing up, for example she refuses to wear pretty dresses, tutus etc because she feels embarrassed when people compliment her about them. Never ever agrees to dressing up for halloween or themed birthday parties: the best I can do is put themed socks on, with the usual jogger set. Or a jogger set with a tiny dinosaur logo on. She's happy to stand up in class during Show and Tell if she's explaining something factual but not if it's a pretending/acting type thing. I don't know if it'll turn out she's ND as she has other idiosyncrasies. (I wouldn't change a thing about her, she's the light of my life along with DS and DH.)

Anyway she's been talking about dreading it and begging me to ask her teacher if she can not be in it, or have a non speaking part. We had a long chat at bedtime last night about it. I said maybe there could be an option where she has a costume with a mask on "so no one knows it's you" and she said that might be OK.

So this morning I spoke to the teacher. I said I understood that public speaking was a good goal but if she has an embarrassing experience on stage it could knock her confidence long term. I explained she's dreading it. Mrs A said dismissively "oh she'll warm up to it when we get the costumes out". Er, no. Dd hates costumes. So I tentatively said I didn't think that would work and could there be other options like a non speaking part. Mrs A, with tinkly laugh "Speech is part of the curriculum!" I said I wasn't suggesting dd should stop talking ever, just not on stage. I may have said shortly "surely public humiliation is not on the curriculum". Mrs A was then saying about how if she allowed Dd special consideration there'd be "a ripple effect" in the class, and also that'd affect "the team spirit" and "the layers of friendship" (she lost me a bit there).

We left it that Mrs A said she'd talk to DD and tell her we discussed it and make a decision further down the line. I think she's utterly convinced that DD will see the costumes and be delighted. I think her allocated role is an Angel. She doesn't understand DD at all. I mean that's fine, why should she, but she doesn't believe me either. She's a very experienced teacher so she's seen it all before, she assures me.

I don't know what to do, should I advocate harder for dd? It breaks my heart to hear her talking about this at home constantly. She's dreading it so much.

If the teacher is intent on ignoring your reasonable points that you've brought up well in advance then maybe your daughter will just unfortunately have to have a sickness bug that day.

Oh dear. I understand why you (and your DD) are upset, OP. I always think with these play things there should be options to help backstage too, because not everyone enjoys or is comfortable performing but may have other skills that lend themselves to helping out behind the scenes, which is just as valuable. Forcing children to do things does not build resilience, no matter what MN likes to think on the matter, and children are just as worthy of respect as adults. I wouldn't expect someone to force me to perform on a stage when I'd said I was uncomfortable with it.

She’s 4. You are massively overthinking this. Just tell her to do her best and if that means staring silently at the stage and ignoring her lines so be it. Most children that age won’t be saying their lines correctly.

And I agree that you could just keep her off, but that shouldn't have to be the case. She shouldn't have to miss out on the experience. There's other stuff she can do: greet parents, help with costumes, errands for the teacher. They need to be inclusive.

I run a Rainbows unit and no girls are ever made to participate in things they don't want to. They are welcome to sit and watch and join if they feel comfortable, or take on tasks for me such as controlling the music for games or helping me judge. There is nothing to be gained from forcing children to do things. Encouraging and making sure they are supported, sure. But this kind of 'Oh she'll be fine once she's there' attitude is what put me off Brownies 30-odd years ago, and that's why I am so careful that my girls are listened to and respected. If they tell me they are uncomfortable or unhappy, then I listen.

Part of the point of the play is getting them to perform in public.

A lot of the children will be worried about it - it's a very common worry.

The teacher isn't going to let your DD opt out at this stage. They'll get the costumes out and look at the costumes and talk about the parts.

Some parts will be much bigger than others. They will encourage as many children as possible to speak on the stage.

There will be non speaking parts. If your child is still worried close to the play then they may cut her line.

Early years school plays are important, as they provide life lessons in team building and public speaking. In later school years my quite shy dc read in Mass, joined in public speaking competitions etc. Even my anxious dd gave a presentation to directors of a local business as part of an A Level Work Start initiative. By allowing the teacher to guide them through the "knock knock, is there any room at the inn" standard scenario, you are setting them up for the world beyond.
Edit to say that parents will often ask what makes kids from middle class or privately educated upbringings more confident, and its stuff like this at age appropriate levels.

I disagree that these plays and performances are important for public speaking. At age 4, this is really not needed. Team work yes but they really should start to incorporate a more holistic approach where children can work behind the scenes.

The OP states this is about pretend performance and that her DD can stand up in class and talk about something factual. I was exactly the same and I have zero problems public speaking but I absolutely hate performing.

Anyway my DD also hated performing but she kind of gritted her teeth and did it but it did nothing for her self confidence as she was being forced to do something she really disliked. While the kids who relish being on stage acting, dancing, singing etc thrived! Luckily things have improved in secondary and now she is thriving. But I feel your pain. My DD is NT, so as much as this may be part of a wider aspect of you DD it may not be.

But this is primary school, the emphasis of performing whether you like it or not is here to stay so you need to find a strategy that helps her. Either a buckle up get your head down approach if she can but if she gets too distressed about it and the impact is too great, keep her off school. I had a friend who had a Dd who felt this way about sports, she was sick every sports day without fail, it was too much for her. She has since being diagnosed as ND so it really is more about how much it impacts them and how much they can cope with just getting on with it. Not all can.

I'm a music teacher and I see nerves all the time. I've learned to recognise the difference between healthy nerves where the child will get through it and destructive profound negative feeling about performance for whatever reason. With young children I would never push performance in the latter scenario.

From the parent side of things I've also witnessed my DD (5 at the time) not cope with a performance at school. She hadn't told me she was worried about it, the teacher was aware but thought it didn't matter. It was a hugely negative event for DD and the longest hour of my life watching her struggle with it.

OP if the teacher won't engage and put steps in place to support your DD I think she'll just have to be ill that day.

Confidence isn't measured in ability to stand up and perform, though. In fact confidence is built by giving children agency over their own lives, allowing them to make decisions about their own lives, supporting them to make their voice heard and allowing them to find the things they are passionate about. Just like adults, some children are more extroverted, others are more introverted. Some kids love dancing and singing and performing, that's the kind of confidence they have. Others have more quiet confidence in their abilities to do other things: lighting, making props, artwork, making programmes, all that stuff. Neither of these types or children is more confident necessarily than the other, they just have different ways of showing it.

Confidence doesn't mean being a performing extrovert and I fail to see how being forced to wear something you don't want to mumble a line on stage while feeling like you don't want to be there builds anything other than resentment and a feeling of helplessness.

I'm a confident person. I am happy doing public speaking. I do not and have never wanted to perform on a stage.

OP's DD should be encouraged to give it a go, with the understanding that if she really doesn't want to do it when show day is near, no one will force her to stand on that stage when she doesn't want to. That feeling of having no control is horrible. I remember it well from similar events in my own childhood.

Do they all have to speak? All the plays I've been to, there's been more children than lines... they all sing together, but only a handful speak. And those are usually narrating so not in costume.

I had a similar experience with my DD in reception. She was absolutely insistent that she didn't want to take part and wanted to sit with me instead. I raised it with the teacher who thankfully was very understanding and said we'd play it by ear and see how she felt on the day. However the performance was more song based and I think only one kid had a line. As we got closer, they had started learning the songs and DD started giving me impromptu previews at home and I would say things like 'oh wow I can't wait to see you perform with all your friends!' I didn't revisit the fact she wanted to sit on my lap and in the end, she joined in and was fine. And then in the end of year class assembly she also had 3 lines - which I honestly couldn't believe!

I would gently encourage at home, talk about the performance, songs etc and just see what happens on the day. I doubt she's the first or even only kid to feel this way and the school ultimately will know that more often than not, they end up joining in some way.There was one kid in the Christmas performance who got to the front of the stage for the song they were part of and immediately turned around and went and sat back down - no one batted an eyelid. Another kid just stood with his arms crossed, scowling the entire time, again no big deal.

Thank you all for your advice and opinions.

It's really not me who's overthinking this, it's dd who's doing the overthinking. She's dwelling on it.

I'd have no qualms taking her off sick on the day but that wouldn't help her unless she was in on the plan, because it's the medium-term dread that's affecting her. She keeps complaining of tummy aches but only when she's worrying about school so I'm convinced they're anxiety related. And she can't be in on the plan as she hates lying so she'd simply tell her teacher "Mummy says I can pretend to be ill on the day" haha busted. So, we won't do that.

I'm very well aware of the benefits of public speaking and I myself always loved this stuff, always had main-ish parts in school plays, solos in the choir, drama awards etc as a child/teen. I'm a (secondary) teacher now so speaking in front of people is my bread and butter. But my dd is different, more like dh in personality. Dh gives factual/technical presentations at work no problem but would hate dressing up as Santa, say. Surely "the curriculum" can allow for this difference.

Dd actually spoke in a whole-school assembly recently about her show and tell (a kids' tool kit thingy) so she can be brave and do public speaking as long as it's factual. Surely this is a more relevant skill to future life anyway?

Anyway I've been in tears about it because I'm worried about her. Dh thinks I'm jumping to conclusions about the phantom tummy aches but I don't think so. She keeps hinting she has a tummy ache when we're dressing her for school, hinting she needs to take a day off. It's breaking my heart.

This thread is helping me get it off my chest at least. Thank you all for your opinions/suggestions

My DS who likes speaking to a crowd, hated all the rehearsals, how long they were, how strict the staff got (I understand why, but you know, the schools who get this right alternate with a smaller thing one year (e.g. couple of songs), so it's less teaching time intensive). For us, one year Covid so cancelled,, next year he was ill, year after we did it. Now KS2 and everyone is so pleased the days of nativity are well and truly over.

Don't interfere.Let the staff manage it, they will have seen this issue many times before.The teacher is correct, it is part of the curriculum and you can't pick and choose which bits you like and don't like.

I remember in year 6, everyone in that year group had to be part of the last Christmas play, even if it was in the choir.
One boys was inconsolable as he was very shy and quiet. They allowed him to stand in the back row of the choir.