How do you not get angry about coparent taking clothes?

[Borninabarn32]

Coparent collected from nursery after I'd dropped off in a particularly nice outfit for photo day. He returns DS in far too small clothes. Joggers that are barely 3/4 length, pants leaving marks. He's also used the spare clothes from the nursery bag and the brand new hat and gloves AND used the nursery coat and spilled something on it.

So now I'm two outfits down a coat and hat and gloves.

He was abusive and he's a toxic coparent, there's literally no point raising it again that he needs to buy clothes for his child. But I'm so fucking mad that I keep buying nice things for my son and he keeps taking them

ensure that he goes back in the clothes he’s returned in this time

Next time send your child back in this

He returns DS in far too small clothes. Joggers that are barely 3/4 length, pants leaving marks.

However bad you may feel about it. Do it.
take a photo say explain and show it’s too small and your son needs new clothes.
additionally can you please have your clothes back (include photos of items if possible)
Also explain the spare is in the nursery bag it is to stay in the bag and be used by the nursery not lazy arseholes

make sure you do it in writing

Yes, we have had similar issues with very toxic ex son in law.

Send your child only in clothes you don’t mind never seeing again. This isn’t easy but it’s better than losing good outfits on a regular basis. Some coparents are just so petty and nasty.

Our toxic coparent would find a note demanding clothes be returned as amusing. And they still wouldn’t be returned.

Engaging on this level just rewards whatever sick enjoyment he gets from exercising control over a child’s change of clothes. I don’t think it’s helpful.

what will do it on writing mean? not like she can progress with a third party to get a resolution

I would grey rock this completely. Co-parent wants a reaction. Send your child to nursery in clothes that are cheap and you don’t mind if they disappear. Get them second hand from charity shops or Vinted, etc. Keep a note of any time the clothes don’t come back. But say nothing. Inform the nursery of the issues you’re having so that they are aware and can note any clothes your child turns up in and if they’re too small, etc when dropped off by the other parent. Also, ask them to record if they notice any behavioural changes with your child around their contact with other parent. This just covers you should other parent try to accuse you of being the one not dressing your child appropriately. I’ve been where you are. It’s awful. Grey rock. And document everything. Don’t be ashamed to tell the nursery who you’re dealing with. They will have your child’s best interests at heart. If you need to speak to someone, contact women’s aid as this is post-separation abuse.

only solution we ever found was to send in clothes that we aren’t bothered about being returned. It’s very satisfying when they reach pre teen years and control their own clothes and what goes back and forth!

What everyone else has said, with the addition - can they leave their nursery spare clothes/bits on a peg at nursery rather than having it come home each time? That's what we used to do, and they'd just catch me and tell me if they needed something replaced.

Doesn't guard against the nursery having to use those clothes and sending the dirty ones home with ex, but at least you're not losing nice, clean clothes too.

Get school uniform multipacks (they go down to age 2 in M&S).

For polo shirts or T shirts, get a dark multipack - smart, but don't stain easily.
Also multipacks of joggers

Never send your child in nice stuff when you aren't collecting

My friend's ex used to steal her dd's clothing like this

Same here, and it is very boring...but as a pp says, they're just looking for a reaction so don't give them one. My arsehole XH even brings DS back in clothes "from his house" and then makes him take them off as soon as he gets here...again I just ignore it, one day DS will realise what a prick his father really is...

nothing special items from cheap and cheerful multi-packs are the way to go for handover days.

Mine has been doing this for years. Punishing me for leaving him ultimately. Occasionally i get clothes back about 3 years later when they're far too small for DC to wear.

I have a box of clothes to send DC to Stbxh in so it doesn't matter if they don't come back. I also bulk buy school uniforms as those especially don't come back so i just constantly charity shop things for that and supermarket tops.

There is no point trying to engage about this as I've learnt to my cost its a way to fan the flames with a very narcissistic unreasonable man who wants to claw back any CMS he owes by making me buy more clothes.

Just very sad.

I either sent DD in clothes that fit but were stained so fine for nursery, the park or arts and crafts or, when she got older enough to care bought a load of cheap leggings, t shirts and a hoody from Primark and sent her in that, and coat from a charity shop or would send her back in clothes that he sent her in from his.

Thabk you. It's good knowing I'm not the only one dealing with this.
I've sent him in the smaller clothes previously but he's so far outgrown that size that it's ridiculous to even consider putting him in them. He's in 4-5 in lots of clothes now and he's sending him to me in 18-24 and 2-3. He looks absolutely ridiculous quite frankly. He has brought him back without socks, He's even brought him back in just his nappy when he was still in them.

I'm going to ask nursery if they can hold onto the clothes bag when it's dad collection to make sure they always have the clothing available without costing me.

I had told him I was taking somewhere today, so he's deliberately not dressed him appropriately. If I'd relied on him dressing him and having the clothing I provide nursery available to me then we'd have been screwed. Luckily, I have zero faith in him so had everything he needed, he's still unwashed with tangled hair though.

I won't say anything, he wants any excuse to talk to me and he doesn't care that he doesn't provide for his child's needs.

I'm curious, what do the co parents do with the clothes they take? Do they use them at their place or just take them to be annoying?
What happens when children get old enough to be embarrassed/uncomfortable to be dressed in clothes that don't fit? Would the coparent still act like that?

Sorry for anyone going through this.

“I'm going to ask nursery if they can hold onto the clothes bag when it's dad collection to make sure they always have the clothing available without costing me.”

This is good. I’d be surprised if the nursery staff haven’t got the measure of your ex already. They will most likely have come across this before, anyway.

When we get them sent home in clothes that are too small we just bin them. Grey rock is the only way. He wants a reaction of any kind. Never ask him to do something for a particular occasion- he will deliberately sabotage it. Keep extra clothes in the car in case you need to do a quick change before going straight on somewhere.

best wishes, it’s horrible dealing with these monsters xx

“What happens when children get old enough to be embarrassed/uncomfortable to be dressed in clothes that don't fit? ”

we had this - he insisted on dressing his daughter in a horrible plain dark dress that didn’t suit her for a school disco because it matched her brother’s and his shirts.

The “team xxxxx” (his surname) all looking alike theme worked for his many selfies on FB but left his little girl inconsolable even days later when she came home 😢

We have had her come home in age 3 pants cutting into her legs. She a big 5 year old. His son (the Golden Child) is usually dressed ok. She (the Scapegoat) is often neglected and unkempt.

Make sure nursery keep his spares on the peg in nursery. If you ask them too I'm sure they will.

Have clothes he wears to nursery on dads days and a coat for dads days.

Explain to nursery you are aware these clothes are too small and why he's gone in them that day.

This is good advice.
For the photo day, I know at my DD’s nursery when it was photo day, they would say let them know if you wanted to send in a special outfit for the photo and they’ll change the children into them for the photo then back out of them again (I know it seems a pain but nurseries often get commission from the photographer on how many photo packages they sell so it makes sense they’d want to make the photos as sellable as possible!). You could ask for DS to have his photo in nice outfit then get changed and ask staff to return the outfit to you next time you’re in, not to dad.

My partner has this with his toxic ex. Usually the things that disappear are the coats and shoes. DSS goes to his mum wearing something his dad has bought him and we never see it again. DP asks where it is and the ex denies all knowledge. We’ve had years of this and there really is no answer, it’s just one of those things you have to tolerate from a toxic ex. Don’t rise to it, grey rock. Sorry OP, I know it’s shit.

I had this many years ago.

I took to sending the dc with 3 days' worth of clothes I was happy not to see again. If they were returned, they'd usually be dirty - so they would go back still dirty next time.

The dc would be appropriately dressed when they left me...if xh couldn't rustle up clean clothes for day 2/3, that was his problem to fix.

I also let it be known to friends & family that hand me downs for exactly this purpose would be appreciated - dickhead didn't like word getting around about that.

What happened with me was that I used to send DS with a bag with, say, three outfits. I'd never get a single outfit back so he grew a stash without buying any. So I stopped. But then he outgrew those clothes. So now I get the old outgrown clothes back and he keeps the new, fitting clothes for use at his house. He doesn't buy weather appropriate clothes, he just takes the ones I send to nursery and obviously I replace them because DS needs a coat at nursery.

DS isn't old enough to be embarrassed but he has been saying "daddy doesn't look after me, he does nice things but he doesn't look after me."