Dealing with child's offensive comments

[johnd2]

Hi all, firstly sorry to anyone upset by my previous post which contained direct quotes which were not inclusive. I hope this post is more family friendly.

The question is how would people deal with observations from their child which would offend. It happened this morning at parkrun, someone was running past and my son (reception age) was laughing and saying "I thought he was xxxxxxx" based on his appearance. I shot back straight away with "You can't say that it's rude" and obviously the person had run past by then.

I know it wasn't said with any intent at all to the other person, I'm sure my son did think that and was sharing his real experience, and also he has not developed a strong sense of empathy at that age.

So the main thing is how would people deal in an age appropriate way with this both in the moment and also any ways to deal with it afterwards i.e. educating him to make better choices in future?

Thanks in advance as all insights are appreciated!

I haven't seen your last post but I'm struggling to work out what was said?

Can’t really help without knowing what he said!

What was the comment - made to/about you or your child or someone else? Was it a slur or a swear word?

I don't understand what he said either. Was it disablist? Or weight related?

Someone complained about your post that had the vital information to make sense of the post and it got taken down?

Fuck sake 🙄

Simple conversation with your son to tell him that making comments about people's appearance is rude.

I'm sorry but my post was deleted due to the complaints about the quote as it could be triggering to people who have been called that in the past.

I wanted people to make their own mind up both on the effect it would have on people in earshot and my son's reason for making the comment, in case I put my own interpretation on it. However it's impossible to say it without saying it so here we are.

I hope I can say that it would definitely be taken as racist by many people due, however in my son's case he was just making a simple observation in the delightful way that the little darlings can catch you unaware...

It would be good to be able to have an open conversation about race as racism festers in the shadows so we need to shine a light on it wherever it pops out.

The comment was made to me, about what he was was initially confused/excited about a person running past and then realised his mistake, and I wouldn't like to guess whether the person in question heard it or not.

Just tell him not to make personal comments as it's rude and hurtful. That he wouldn't like it if someone made personal comments about him. (In an age appropriate way).

Right. So the person was black and had a weird run and your child innocently said they were running like a monkey? Is that what it is?

Your child has no idea that they are saying something that would sound so offensive. I would just say it's not kind to say that when someone is trying their best at a sport and leave it at that.

Don't make a big deal of it, just tell him it's not polite to comment on someone's appearance. He's only little, kids usually say whatever pops into their heads at that age!

This book is really helpful for talking to young (and older) kids about race: Dr Pragya Agarwal, Wish We Knew What to Say: talking to children about race

I hope I can say that it would definitely be taken as racist by many people due, however in my son's case he was just making a simple observation in the delightful way that the little darlings can catch you unaware...

No. Not a simple observation. A racist comment is never acceptable even if it comes from your little darling.
Your attitude to the whole thing stinks OP. You need to teach your DC better and educate yourself too

As if this happened and then you posted about it and then it was taken down and you described it as not family friend. It's preposterous.

From my experience reception until year 2 this crops up now and then. They're very young still. Focus on educating your son each time. They take time to fully understand and I had times where my son would say something out the blue after having not for a while. He's just turned 7 and he now seems to fully understand the importance of inclusivity and more complex concepts of what is offensive. This seems ti have tied in with an age where they are able to empathise more. Every child develops at their own rate, for mine it was turning 7 but for others it might be quicker, or longer. Give your son time and keep educating - bbc has some good resources

Thanks some helpful replies and pointers there. To be honest the BBC is half the problem with all the programmes and nursery rhymes with unrealistic cartoon animals that behave like people. To use sheep as an example I've seen actual real sheep in fields many many times and they have never danced around energetically singing old macdonald. But 99.9% of the sheep he's seen have been doing that kind of thing.

wtf are you talking about

It was a racial slur.

I was one of the posts that mentioned BBC but apologies I was not clear enough on to what I was referring. I did not mean general cartoons, I don't believe these will be particularly educational in what we are discussing. To be specific search > BBC Bitesize > KS1 > you can then select by subject for educational content - the Citizenship and History tabs might help as a starting point. These are the sorts of things I used to help my child learn at home about EDI (as well as what they learn at school) and and now aged 7 I've noticed a corner has been turned and he seems to fully grasp the importance of this topic in a more mature, complex and respectful way than previously. I think it's important to continue to educate at home on this in age appropriate ways as they grow - this post has prompted me to do a refresher soon with DS.

If you read between the lines, clearly her son compared the runner to an animal in a manner that would be perceived as racist if the person who said it was fully aware of the implications of the comparison they were making and not a young child. The child has obviously seen animals behaving like humans in cartoons which is where he got the idea from, and not because he's a massive racist.

@GreenFlamingo11

Yes I get what the child said. Mine was the first post to say it plainly on this thread.

I'm just saying the waffle of blaming the BBC is ridiculous.

The child said something innocently and has no idea of the connotations. Just tell them not to comment like that about people. A lot of worry over nothing.

Thanks@LemonViewer that's super helpful I will check that out later!

And@gettingridofitall I would respectfully disagree that educating our children about discrimination is somehow not worth worrying about or nothing important.
The minimal approach has been researched several years ago as not being anti racist
https://news.stanford.edu/stories/2021/09/many-white-parents-arent-talk-race-kids

If you 5yo can't tell the difference between a cartoon and real life, you have much bigger problems. And if he's watching 1000 episodes of Shorne the sheep to every 1 outings to the countryside/farm/peting zoo, you need to have words with yourself.

Or more likely, a reception age child knew perfectly well that walking/talking animals do not exist, so was not confused or expecting to see one and instead said something they knew was offensive. In which case you need to look at where they have heard this. Is there anyone in his life who may have used mock-mistake based rasisim in front of him?

Did I say educating them about racism is not important?

They are in reception and said something they do not understand. You are making a big deal out of nothing. You can tell your child at that age that it is unkind to comment on how people look or run or whatever without all the guilt and hand wringing and nonsense about cartoon animals.

You just stop and tell him that it is rude to comment on a persons appearance. Later sit him down and be specific about it. If he does it again give him a consequence.