3yo Behaviour Struggles

[EdithGrantham]

Sorry this ended up way longer than I meant it to.

TLDR: my 3y3mo is really hard work and I need to know that it's normal and she'll default to being "nice" again as she gets older.

I just need some reassurance that it's not just my 3yo who is incredibly hard work, I posted about how she was struggling to behave at bedtime a while ago but it's getting to be more and more throughout the day.

It feels like every request/instruction we make is met with a "No" or delay techniques, even if it's to lead to something she wants. And nothing is ever good enough for her, so she'll want to do drawing /play an imaginative game with me but then I'll do something she considers wrong but can't articulate why so then gets really upset. She also has tantrums over increasingly tiny things, today I hadn't quite cut all the way through her toast so when she picked up one bit the other part lifted up too, this resulted in screaming and nearly throwing the toast (I took it away before she managed to throw it) and don't even get me started on the meltdowns after pre-school.

We generally ignore the tantrums if she's angry or give cuddles if she's upset. We try to do natural consequences for unwanted behaviours and these usually work well but she can't apply the idea that she has to do as she's asked from one situation to the next so it's constant.

She's had a lot going on in the past 6 months with potty training, moving into a new bedroom and big bed, starting preschool and gaining a little sister so I try to remember this but the behaviour is really wearing me down.

Just need some reassurance that it's not just her and that she'll grow out of it eventually!

Everyone said it would get better after 2 but 3 was a pretty bonkers year too! Now dd is 4.5 and started school life is much calmer. But with the new challenge that she is now smart enough to explain why she says no to everything! So into endless ridiculous conversations about why she should eat / sleep / wash / go to school etc.

i have absolutely no tips or tricks that actually help. Apart from wine when she finally conked out! Good luck with it all!

I can honestly say she was a delight when she was 2, got upset but didn't really have what I would call tantrums as such, she turned three and it was like a switch flicked and everything seems to cause her so much frustration that she can't deal with but she also isn't happy for us to sort whatever's annoyed her or to help her sort it, it's almost like she wants to be angry!

My 3 year old DD is in the "No" followed by tantrum stage, it's infuriating. Almost everything is a game of 20 questions and every answer is no.

DH has started using the most ridiculous distraction techniques to end the tantrums such as fake falling down the stairs because apparently that's hilarious to both our children.

No advice unfortunately but you're not alone.

Yep, everything feels like a battle, even getting her to drink enough in a day (even more important because she gets constipated) is difficult

I sometimes wonder if I'm a bit cruel because I couldn't care less if my 3 year old threw his toast. I'd pick it up and say "you'll not be wanting that then", throw it in bin, and pop him out of the kitchen (baby gate).

I'd leave him to howl there while I cracked on with my own breakfast or whatever I was doing. When he was done I'd say "is that you done then?" and tell him "we do not throw our food." Then ask "do we throw food?" "No mummy." "Do you have something to say?" "Sorry for throwing toast." Good stuff, back in you come. Do you fancy some porridge or a yoghurt? "I want toast" "no we're not having toast since you threw it. We'll try toast again tomorrow."

Resume normal upbeat chit chat.

My son doesn't tantrum because of this. The few times he has got him nowhere whatsoever, other than to lose out on nice things. We get the occasional whining but he knows it doesn't get him what he wants. Sometimes we all just need a good whine though.

That's what we do in theory but because it is so often it's draining. So in your scenario she'd have e.g. porridge but the slightest inconvenience and it would set her off again and this can be things that we wouldn't know or be able to prevent, for instance she might scoop up slightly too much porridge or a tiny amount might fall off her spoon then the screaming starts again. I guess you'd suggest then she goes without completely but apart from the fact hunger makes it worse it wouldn't stop her from doing it again the next mealtime anyway.

It's almost like she's constantly on the edge of a meltdown which can't be nice for her but I don't know why so I can't put anything in place to bring her mood up so she's got a buffer as it were if something annoys her.

@EdithGrantham

That amount of constant upset sounds to me that she might have some neurodivergence she's struggling with. All 3 year olds have their moments but that sounds at the extreme end of the scale. In which case, your usual kinds of strategies will not work for her.

My 2 year old does this. I find being in his view aggravates him. If he's protesting about his Weetabix, I just set it on the highchair with a spoon and walk away out of view for a little while. Normally he's eating it by the time I'm back.

Hmm I'd be really wary of diagnosing this based on the say so of strangers on the Internet.

Some children are just easier than others. Massively stereotyping but precocious little girls are often quite highly strung (for lack of a better term). It sounds quite typical to me!

I'd try less distraction and placating just because its exhausting for you. If she ends up throwing her toast then so be it. I wouldn't enter into a power struggle about it. Also she is still little and probably knackered by preschool.

Solidarity three year olds are hard work. It will pass!

Hmm I'd be really wary of diagnosing this based on the say so of strangers on the Internet.

Definitely not diagnosing. Just don't know this level of upset in any of the 2,3,4 year olds I know. I know some kids who really tantrum and so on and seem more difficult in general than my 3 year old. But it sounds like OP is really walking on eggshells.

We clearly agree though as my first post said the same. I couldn't care less if a 3 year old throws toast. "So be it", as you say. I'd assume they don't want the toast, throw it in the bin, pop them out of the kitchen to tantrum, and let them choose something else when the nonsense was over. I definitely wouldn't placate or try to distract. Waste of energy.

Yes she definitely plays up for an audience which is why we ignore anger tantrums but walking away isn't always possible and sometimes she will follow us if we do leave with the new upset of "You left me all alone!"

If you were my friend you wouldn't necessarily know she is like this as it usually only happens at home not out and about.

Also, I'm not sure which part of my post suggests I'm walking on eggshells or that I try to placate tantrums, I clearly said we ignore anger tantrums but do offer comfort if she is upset.

She sounds like every other 3yo I've ever met or heard parents talk about and also sounds like my 3yo

I read in Sarah Ockwell Smith's book "Beginnings" that at this age they are trying to assert themselves as an individual and separate from you, which would explain why my daughter does the opposite of what I ask a lot of the time

Honestly it's all normal and hard, harder still because of all the change. Keep loving her and being patient, it'll come right

Yeah... I wouldn't parent like this.

lol

Do you have a 3yo or have you just blocked it out?

Everything op is describing is big standard by the book 3yo behaviour

@RedRobyn2021

Yes my child is 3 years old. I have a large group of friends with children ranging 2-5 and I don't think it's usual for a child to be this upset all the time. If it's normal then it's certainly at the upper limit of normal behaviour.

Anyway, if OP doesn't suspect additional needs in her child then I've already offered advice in my first reply.

@RedRobyn2021

Yeah... I wouldn't parent like this.

Do go on...

My son is very polite and well-mannered. If he didn't like how his toast was cut he can tell me that and I'll sort it for him. He doesn't throw it because he knows that's not how we behave. I fail to see the problem when I have a happy, well-mannered 3 year old. He has upsets just like the OP's child and we figure it out together but he doesn't throw things or thrash around. Today he was sad because there was a bit of the stringy skin on his banana. He said "mummy I don't like that bit please take it off" and I did.

As I said, I've offered advice and the OP said she already does much of the same with her child. Young kids are hard work, I'm just reminding OP that it's ok to be absolutely unbothered by it all. I would put her out of the kitchen/dining room in a heartbeat and she can rejoin the table when she's not behaving like that. She doesn't need to be shouted at or reprimanded. Just calmly told "we don't throw food. When you're ready to calm down you can come and join us. We're right here having our dinner."

You carry on parenting your way. Since you think it's all bog standard behaviour for 3 year olds, you don't need any advice.

OP, this part of your post really stood out to me.

She's had a lot going on in the past 6 months with potty training, moving into a new bedroom and big bed, starting preschool and gaining a little sister so I try to remember this but the behaviour is really wearing me down.

I have a 3yr 4m DD in a similar boat and we are also experiencing some challenging behaviour. Dd2 is 7m old and since she arrived, we'd sort of fallen into the trap of me being with the baby and DH focusing on DD1. She was absolutely awful to DH and i after her sibling was born for a long time. Recently, I booked an activity just for me and DD1, left DD2 at home with DH, we went out and did the activity, had lunch in a cafe, stopped at the shops on the way home. Behaviour hugely improved for a bit. It's so hard when there's a new baby in the family, but maybe a bit of 1:1 time between you and her might either reset behaviour a bit, or at least give you some bonding time to figure out if there is something more going on. Solidarity - it's such a hard time!

@Yourethebeerthief

You are completely invalidating his feelings by ignoring him.

Is that really the kind of relationship you want with your child?

I want mine to tell me if she's upset and know she can always come to me. My daughter isn't expected to self regulate beyond her capabilities or I won't support her.

It's one thing for you to treat your own child like this, that your prerogative, but you're literally recommending it. It's poor advice.

I think the OP has a child that's going through a lot of change (potty training, new sister, new preschool) she's bound to be struggling, as a parent surely it's our job to support our very young child? And FYI you don't do that by ignoring them, you do it by empathising and treating them like their age.

You don't need to patronise me with your assumptions based on one snapshot of my life 🙄

I do not ignore my child as evidenced by his high levels of emotional intelligence and empathy. We talk through our feelings every day. That doesn't mean that he can get away with unacceptable behaviour.

Last week he didn't stop when I called him on his scooter. I removed the scooter. He cried and wailed. I said "you are not being safe on your scooter, you know you must stop when I call. We'll take a break from the scooter for 5 minutes now" and then I ignored his wailing about it. After 5 minutes we talked it through and he told me why he needed to listen when I call and stop immediately. It's for this reason that he stops the second I call 99% of the time. But he's 3 and there's obviously going to be lapses, he's just a little kid. But I stand firm so that he learns.

Sometimes you need to ignore certain behaviours in the moment.

I never invalidate my child's feelings so you can calm down with that nonsense. But if there is a feeling that doesn't need to be "validated" it's a 3 year olds feeling that they can express themselves by throwing food in a temper. I will continue raising my child kindly with boundaries. It seems to be working very well so far. We have a wonderful relationship, so cut the sanctimony.

I agree none of this sounds atypical for a 3yo, clearly some are easier than others, but overall the 3.5 stage is a developmental period of disregulation. Obviously some hit it a bit earlier or later. Add in all those huge changes for her and none of this is surprising. Draining, but just support her through it, firm on your boundaries, it will get easier.

https://centerforparentingeducation.org/library-of-articles/child-development/child-development-by-age/

Excerpt.
Typically, a 3 1/2-year old:
• enters a period of marked insecurity and disequilibrium
• is extremely demanding of adults: may demand “Don’t look!” “Don’t talk!” “Don’t laugh!”
• may demand all attention be on him; is very jealous of attention given to others
• is insecure with friends: demands all their attention, shows emotional extremes – shy one minute, over-bearing the next

Thanks for all the new replies, they have been so reassuring!

I think having a bigger chunk of 1:1 time would definitely help, I've been trying to do little and often since the baby has been born and she's shown hardly any jealousy towards the baby so I thought it was working but I think she is missing having that 1:1 attention. Will also keep giving her lots of cuddles through upset and when she's calmed down from any anger. We talk through emotions a lot when she's calm but I guess when she's heightened all that goes out the window like it does for anyone really!