How to deal with entitled grandparents with 3 month old baby

[sunshine194]

I’m looking for advice. I had my baby 3 months ago and he is such a dream and I am loving being a mother. The only problem is that my husbands mum and dad have not been very nice or supportive during the time I was pregnant and postpartum. In pregnancy, my MIL would say all the just you wait comments and said that I would really struggle in motherhood and need a lot of help. I’m a very capable, independent 28 year old adult and have not struggled in motherhood so far! When my baby was born, an hour after his birth (an emergency c section), she decided to call my husband, who put the phone on speaker, to complain about our dog they offered to look after making sure we could hear him barking in the background and then briefly asked how I was, before I could answer she said that I didn’t even push so was probably fine. Then the next day they demanded to visit and in this visit she told me that it wasn’t a real birth. She also said I would really struggle with the recovery and I will find it very hard and need a lot of help. She said that my baby would get colic if he was bottle fed (breastfeeding wasn’t going well) and then after I said he slept well she said just you wait. I was so vulnerable and I don’t think I will ever forgive her for saying it wasn’t a real birth.

Feeling back to normal after a tough pregnancy, I’m so upset and hurt by everything that she did and said when I was pregnant and giving birth. At the time this happened my husband said nothing and just let it happen. He did try and speak to her after but she said that she didn’t mean it in that way and that she had no recollection of saying these things (she definitely did, my husband was there when they were said!). I was getting so fed up about being upset over it so sent a level headed message saying that it was completely unacceptable to tell a woman who has just given birth that it wasn’t a real birth and she shouldn’t have called an hour after he was born to complain about our dog! She then said that she was sorry i felt that way but had no recollection. She also said that her and my father in law were very upset and disappointed they haven’t been able to see more of my son. This really hit a nerve with me as they have seen him at least 10 times in his 3 months of life so far which I feel is a lot considering the horrific comments she said to me. I feel like this is very entitled behaviour and I was wondering how to deal with it. I don’t really want to be around them and honestly don’t really want the constant negativity she brings around my son. I don’t want him to grow up with her saying horrible things to me and thinking that is an okay way to treat someone. Also they have never offered to actually help and only suggest meeting up when and where it suits them which usually does not suit us! On their first visit to our house after he was born she stuck her unwashed fingers in my babies mouth when he was just days old which was gross and she told me in pregnancy that she wouldn’t listen to any ‘rules’ (boundaries) I had for her with him so I don’t trust that she would take good care of him.

Im just so upset and hurt by the situation and just really need some advice.

I’d having nothing to do with them at all. She’s a fucking nightmare. What was your relationship like before you were pregnant? Does your husband lack a back bone in other areas of his life or just with his arsehole parents?

Don’t tell us, tell her! Don’t mean that nastily but honestly, I just wouldn’t tolerate her behaviour.
As you say, you’re a capable adult. Stick up for yourself and your baby. Make sure your husband does too,
if she doesn’t alter her behaviour, you and your baby will be seeing her for the bare minimum. If she doesn’t like it, tough.
Talk to her together.
Good luck and congratulations.

It might be that your DH is so used to their bad behaviour that he doesn't see it anymore if that makes sense. That lack of recollection behaviour really gives me the creeps personally.

In any case it should be your DH that facilitates any visits, I'd not be going out of my way for someone who's treated me poorly. As a new mum your mental health takes priority over pleasing others right now.

Hi OP

Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. Glad you're enjoying the early days of motherhood (I struggled in the early days weeks and really wish I could have that time back!)
Your MIL is a toxic person you don't need in your life...especially now when you're still quite vulnerable after giving birth and adjusting to motherhood.
She's gaslighting you claiming she doesn't remember saying the things she did - unless she's got dementia or some form of mental illness, she would've been in perfectly sound mind to know what she was saying. Claiming she didn't "mean" it in anyway is just a cop out!
Why did she stick her fingers in his mouth exactly???

You need to speak with your husband and set some firm boundaries with her and FIL. If she won't abide by any 'rules' or 'boundaries', I'd make it clear you're not having anything to do with her. Go no contact with her if you have to. Do whatever you can to protect yourself and your baby.

All the best :)

I've known lots of people in life who have a "just you wait" response to everything. None of them are able to see that it is annoying and feels like a judgement on your ability - in my experience they don't mean it as a criticism, it's just a default reaction to things/validating things they've found difficult in life as being hard for everyone.
I'd try and let that bit slide and "not hear it" cause I genuinely don't think it's meant how you hear it and you'll tie yourselves in knots holding on to it.

I also have in-laws who find every fault and inconvenience before they can say the nice thing - I just grin and bear it. It's just not worth going to war over it.

Sorry when I say grin and bare it - there are things I do to manage my frustration about it without causing a fall out. It is accepted that DH organises any plans with them - always has been that way and always will be - we see them probably once or twice a month.
I also regularly name out loud to DH that their complaints about things aren't reasonable - which he accepts and validates for me but struggles to see independently. He has grown up all his life with that attitude so he genuinely doesn't see it and thinks he is inconveniencing people.

'mum your behaviour during my pregnancy was horrific, it's not normal behaviour from a loving parent to her pregnant daughter as anyone will tell you but even more worrying is your memory problems. Those combined make me feel like you need an urgent medical condition as obviously I'm both worried about you and refuse to put up with verbal abuse'
............ And repeat........ Obviously she isn't suffering symptoms of dementia, she's always been a bitch that avoids confrontation about her actions but there's no point saying that, so I'd play her at her own game, you want to claim you don't remember fine let's go down that road.

I am so sorry your going through this... your MIL sounds exactly like mine. I often think that she seen me as a human incubator to produce her grandchildren, my thoughts & feelings never ever mattered. She would also claim that she had no recollection of things she said & done. She would also refer to simple boundaries as "rules".
When my rainbow baby daughter was 3 weeks old, her & my FIL screamed and shouted at my husband because he went to their house without our newborn baby. How dare I not not want to be away from my newborn baby. I eventually had a massive mental breakdown because of the treatment... I could write a book on the things that she has done and as with anyone like my MIL "my reaction is always the problem, not what she done to cause that reaction".
People like this are dangerous, self centred individuals.
Sending you lots of hugs & thoughts, your husband needs to stand up to his mother, you need to enjoy your time with your new baby without worrying about her & her actions.
Hugs xxxx

She's not entitled, she's mean and nasty! Who behaves like this with a mother who has just given birth? I'd have nothing to do with her and make sure your DH has your back 100%.
And next time she complains about not seeing her GS much, you can sweetly reply that you're "sorry she feels that way". See how she likes that PA "apology"

Ugh if i could ban a phrase from parents/to parents/about child rearing and pregnancy it would be 'just you wait'!!

Really glad you're loving being a mother OP. Hope you can sort out the MIL so you can sink into your bubble and enjoy it without any toxic energy around xx

Hi @sunshine194

I have just this week cut my mother in law out of my life and I have never felt more free for the first time in 15 years!

She is a horrible horrible narcissistic person and I have dealt with enough shit from her for a life time. I love my husband more than anything. He's a fantastic husband and father but would much rather upset me that his mother and I decided enough was enough

I will never stop her seeing our girls and husband but I won't ever go to her house.

Fuck her off for your own sanity

She doesn’t sound great but as an aside your husband shouldn’t have put the phone on speaker in the postnatal ward - so inconsiderate!

It was in the delivery suite lol so a private room but still so bad, he thought she was phoning to congratulate us 💀