How to deal with unkind children

[Bippityboppitybooo]

Ds6 is in year 1 at a rougher school. Now that he's mixing with older children at playtime and at an after school club, he's starting to experience some unkind behaviour. Not out and out bullying I don't think (although he seems to keep a lot inside), but today for instance, an older boy commented unkindly about a minor physical difference on ds' face that affects symmetry. It's an eye thing. He will have this until he can have surgery in his mid teens (not recommended before then due to facial growth).

No one is hitting, belittling or stealing from him (yes these are issues in year 1 here), and ds is extremely well liked amongst his peers. But I'm not sure how to help him deal with things like this. Kids can be unkind and will comment on physical differences. Can anyone recommend any books or anything that we can read together to help him feel better? He's severely lacking in resilience and worries a lot. He was in nursery full time before school, but I think he's been quite sheltered and is struggling to take some things in his stride.

Thanks for any thoughts :)

Hello just bumping this for you. Dd (6) has something a bit similar that we are waiting for an op for, and we like the Tom Percival Big Bright Feelings books to help her discuss any issues. We model out conversations together to she knows what to say back - she’s much more likely to speak up if she’s actually said the words to me before. We also do affirmations (you can get kids affirmation cards online) to remind her the good things about herself. Its helped he be more assertive. I also try to discuss the good things that have happened at school too (after fully listening to anything bad) - help her reframe her day so its not all bad.
Have you spoken to the teacher at all or do you not think its worth it? They are quite young and perhaps receptive to some general lessons on kindness and differences (not mentioning your son specifically).
good luck - hope he is ok today.

Thanks. We actually have Ruby's worry here already.

Parents evening is next week so I'll probably bring it up. But he couldn't even say who the boy is, and random comments like this aren't going to be uncommon - I just don't know how to help him deal with them.

How do you model conversations? Do you have to imagine what unkind thing someone might say?

School was the worst time of my life, I don't want it to be that way for ds.

Something I have done with my dd who is also 6 is get her to imagine she is wearing her 'I don't care what you say' cape. Anything unkind bounces straight off the cape and doesn't stick.

My kids are older now. They came up with great responses themselves to this kind of thing eg “why is your eye so weird?” - “that’s what I’m supposed to look like”

the superhero cape shield mentioned above is a great tool too

Thanks, those are great. I think I'm prone to over explaining so need something simple and solid to say to ds.

How sad that kids still go through this stuff :(

These are great ideas. To model conversations we just use real life examples like if a kid has said “your eye is x” or imagine someone said something negative about your eye rather than repeating negativity. Then we imagine what to say back like “yes that’s something unique/special about me” or “it’s not nice to make personal comments, if you carry on I will speak to the teacher”. The most useful one actually has been her football coach taught her to shout “yeah, so?” Repeatedly to comments and she loves doing that.
I understand it can be so difficult but it genuinely has been an opportunity to build character. If your son is well liked that is an amazing start. This can be an opportunity to teach him to speak up for himself xx

Thanks, I've just started with the 'yeah, so' exampling someone saying he is too tall (this hasn't actually happened but seems like a harmless example to give). For some reason I'm finding it hard to use his eye as an example. I might lead up to it and get his dad to act it out in front of him.

Insult them back. Everyone has something they're insecure about. If they pick on others, their own become fair game.

Ds wouldn't know how to @Balloonhearts. He hadn't even realised that some of his nice class friends have different coloured skin (we were talking about differences tonight, like eye colours and freckles).

I see they're covering bullying this term at school though so assume this type of stuff will come up.

Go straight for the obvious. Tell they're nasty and no one likes them because they're a bully and say mean things.