Relationship issues with grown daughters

[Moterhome]

My 27 yr old daughter hates me and blames me for her up bringing being she says terrible. I was in a very abusive relationship for almost 30 yrs . I had very low self esteem and a very harsh childhood, lost my mother when 9 left with a very violent father and 5 siblings . Sexual abuse in care when dad needed a break . I feel my daughter had a child hood of everything she wanted her father spoiled her rotten . I have said sorry to her over and over again for staying , I’ve helped her financially and mentally and have always been there for her . I just don’t know why she continues to make me feel useless and things she has done are all my fault

I'm sorry you went through all that. I hope you are free of him now and in a better place.

Has your daughter had any help or support to deal with growing up in an abusive home?

thank you for reply, I believe she is and I have always been supportive in this but it’s seems the more she has the more she hates me and blames me . I’m now going through therapy for complex PTSD so I’m trying to help but I’m unsure how to continue with such negative emotions back from her

It's very painful for both of you. It's not your fault you were in an abusive relationship but it's still very common for children to blame the non-abusive parent.

In her eyes, you didn't protect her and you allowed it to happen. That's her perspective and it would be really harmful to deny that.

I think it's ok to acknowledge her hurt without dismissing it but make clear you did not choose this either and have boundaries around what you are willing to accept from her.

To be fair to the daughter, she literally had no choice but to live in an abusive relationship. The OP could leave, and eventually did - although it appears after her daughter had left home. The daughter could not escape growing up. I am not surprised she is finding that hard to forgive.
OP - I think you will have a long road ahead with your daughter, but to find any way forward you must own and acknowledge, to her, your role in her abusive upbringing. 'It wasn't my fault' will get you nowhere with your damaged child.

@HeadNorth of course I agree but this forgets the trauma, fear, complexity and terror of leaving. It's not as easy as just deciding to leave.

I'm acknowledging that but I agree that's not what her daughter can hear right now.

You are a victim and deserve sympathy. But she is also a victim and also deserves sympathy. It's extraordinarily difficult but she has to work through this at her own pace. Is she seeking therapy for her abusive childhood?

My childhood was not abusive, but there were issues. I sought therapy in my 20s and it was very helpful for me and offered a different lens to look at the issues through. it helped me to have a lot more understanding of the mistakes my parents made.

If I had to do all that from a childhood that just had a few issues, I can only imagine what she needs to do to get over her own childhood. Give her space, assure her you're there, encourage her to go to therapy. If you are in therapy yourself, perhaps discuss wit your therapist if and when it might be appropriate eto do family therapy with her.

Of course, this all assumes you have left your mutual abuser?

Agreed with @HeadNorth
I know you had your reasons for staying , but advise on here , for any abusive relationship is always Leave - think of the children
You dd may come to understand your reasons.
But the result is the same -
You do need to own it.

Was it just you being abused by your ex? If so she might have gotten into the habit of making things out to be your fault from him as trauma response. If she was truly treated like a princess by her dad and not abuse you absolutely need to call it out. She’s 27 not a child.

It's very common for parents to assume that kids weren't victims of DA, or they weren't aware, weren't impacted.

I think there's some naivety there but it's also much easier to accept than this has also traumatized my child. That's a big responsibility for parents to accept, that their child is significantly impacted by this thing that they thought just happened to them.

It doesn't do parents any favours to hear it wasn't their fault but it does need to be managed sensitively or we end up blaming victims for their own abuse.

At the same time as heaping blame on women, there's also a massive lack of support and resources that allows a woman to safely leave with her children.

This is a really difficult situation

Your daughters feelings are valid, she didn't have a childhood with everything she wanted she was exposed to an abusive man throughout. From her perspective you failed to protect her from that.

Essentially you are asking your daughter to let go of her anger for her abusive childhood, which is difficult. It may happen with time and hopefully she will understand your reasons for staying, and eventually forgive. But I don't think its going to happen overnight and you may have to accept it never happens, she doesn't have to forgive you.

Your ex is the one to blame for abusing you, but you do hold responsibility for your daughters childhood.

Hi op. I'm sorry that you are going through this. And that you suffered such awful circumstances as a child and in your marriage. I hope your therapy for PTSD proves helpful.

It's obviously hard to comment with so little information but, from what you have written, I think this sentence might be the issue,

I feel my daughter had a child hood of everything she wanted her father spoiled her rotten

which sounds quite dismissive of your daughter's experience.

She obviously sees her childhood in a different way and I think you need to take the time to explore that with her sincerely. I've no doubt that you have done everything in your power to rectify the situation and support your DD since leaving, but if you don't acknowledge that she had a rough time too, and that your suffering impacted negatively on her, you don't really have a good basis on which to reconcile. It almost sounds like you are saying, "I suffered but you have no cause for complaint because you were ok" which cannot be the case if she grew up in a dysfunctional household. It's not your fault you were abused, at the same time you need to acknowledge that your DD suffered too.

It is normal for children growing up with dv to feel angry towards the parent who didn't protect them. Sometimes more angry.

Your daughter had no choice but to live that childhood. It may be she feels angry with you because you left after she was grown up but not when she was a child, perhaps seeing that as you did it for you but couldn't do it for her.

I don't think you can help her right now. Perhaps talk to your therapist about what best to say.

What your ex did was not your fault, I can't stress that enough, but it has obviously left your daughter very traumatised and she needs time and support to deal with that.

It sounds like you had a difficult upbringing and also (possibly due to that upbringing), a toxic long-term relationship. You may think that your daughter’s childhood was better than your own, but that does mean her childhood and upbringing wasn't damaging.

I'm not sure what you mean by ‘spoilt rotten’, but if you mean she was indulged materialistically or got her way with a lot of things, I can tell you that neither of those things is what creates a stable or secure home life. That can only be achieved by providing a safe and consistently loving environment for a child. Where healthy emotional relationships are modelled and maintained.

If you want to maintain and improve a relationship with your daughter, you may have to hear some hard truths and accept that her childhood, while better than your own, has caused her hurt and difficulties as an adult. Listening and taking accountability can be hugely healing and are often what's needed before a relationship can improve and move forward.

I was in a very abusive relationship for almost 30 yrs .

I think this is where you're going wrong, you've compartmentalised the abuse. Your daughter was brought up in an abusive household which is considered to be child abuse.

I don't know what kind of abuse she witnessed but if he was regularly hitting you, shouting, drinking and otherwise causing an intolerable atmosphere, then she also suffered.

It's not unusual for the whole family to tiptoe around the abuser to the detriment of everyone else in the family. That means children's needs take a backseat to the abuser.

I had very low self esteem and a very harsh childhood, lost my mother when 9 left with a very violent father and 5 siblings . Sexual abuse in care when dad needed a break.

I'm sorry to hear you suffered as a child and that no one protected you. You might find therapy helpful or could contact NAPAC for advice.

I feel my daughter had a child hood of everything she wanted her father spoiled her rotten.

Your daughter lived in an abusive household and no one protected her from it. From her perspective, you enabled it and chose your relationship over her welfare.

It's unlikely he wasn't abusive towards her. I find it doubtful he was very abusive towards you and a completely different person towards his daughter. If he did buy her things, that doesn't make up for what she missed out on as a child; a loving family home.

I just don’t know why she continues to make me feel useless and things she has done are all my fault

She suffered as a child, probably has difficulty forming relationships and has poor boundaries making her susceptible to being abused herself. Her blueprint for relationships was your relationship with your husband. She's bound to be messed up.

She obviously feels as though you should have put her first and is finding it difficult to understand why you stayed given the abuse.

She needs therapy to process her childhood. She might be willing to move forward once she's done some of the work.

@Moterhome the mind set that she had "everything she wanted" and was "spoiled rotten" by her father is not helpful, because she didn't have what she needed which is to be bought up in a home without domestic abuse. The harm it does to children, including when they fully realise that the indulgent parent was an abuser is very, very serious. They cannot escape it as kids and as adults feel great resentment of those they perceive as keeping them in that position, especially if that parent leaves later on.

I hope as part of your therapy you can face this and with openness and honesty, not just qualified apologies, you and your daughter can build a better relationship.

While minorly abusive I grew up in a neglectful home. My mother is all woe is me I had it hard, my mother never loved me, I had to do everything at home due to alcoholic husband. She has a hundred reasons why she had a hard life. Her own mother had a horrible life too but my mother can't see how that would have contributed to how her mother parented. I can't see why my mother is/was the way she is. But it makes me incredibly angry if she ever mentions how she "tried her best" or whatever it was she lived with. She chose to stay. She put herself above me. I never learnt what a healthy relationship was and ended up in an abusive marriage myself. The difference is when I became a mother I left to protect my child. That opened all my childhood traumas up again to see how fucking hard it is to leave and how I still did it for my child but she didn't for me.

I'm not sure if I could ever forgive my mother. I can happily pretend everything is fine though. But I can gaurentee if any apology you make to her has the caveat your own life was shit it's like a slap in the face that you didn't care enough about her to protect her. You have to just own it. And you have to perhaps accept she won't forgive you. I assume you have contact as she's saying these things so work on putting her first going forward, start making the change now without making excuses.

It's shit because you do have excuses. I have excuses to be a poor mother. By putting my kids first I'm like a lost generation, I had a shit childhood because my mother put herself first and felt justified because of what she had been through. I wants first as a child to my detriment and then even as an adult I have to put others first (my kids) at my own detriment as parenting with an abusive ex stiring shit and helping the kids through their trauma from the relationship with him means I will always suffer and it's not fair. But I'm breaking the cycle so my kids don't have the life I have. Even though it really isn't my fault if they come to me angry I had kids with their father and how could I sentence them to such a man as their father I won't be making excuses or justifying what happened, I won't be explaining actually he only got abusive after I was pregnant etc etc. I will just say I'm so sorry you deserved better I wish I had dont better and would do anything to go back and never marry him but then I wouldn't have you and it's just a mess of emotions but what I know is I love you and I'm proud of you. I think I'd forgive my mother if she said this to me. But she can't own that she failed so I will never forgive her

Ah @Moterhome, it sounds as though this is very raw for both of you. Too raw to be tackled head on.

Give yourself and your daughter time and space to heal, then you might get to a place where you can come together again.

It was just me that was abused not my daughter thank goodness, he adored her and she had all she ever asked for . She never once see him abuse me physically, but verbally yes she knew I was a nervous wreck most of the time . I love her dearly and would do anything to make our relationship work , I’ve said sorry so many times but I’m not sure how many sorry I can say

It’s obviously good that your dd didn’t witness violence but I don’t think you are quite taking in the previous responses Moterhome

I don’t think your dd wants lots of apologies necessarily.

I think perhaps your dd is looking for validation that her childhood was very difficult too.

With all respect to you as a victim
of abuse, she had a mother who was a nervous wreck and that probably made her feel very anxious and uncertain herself a lot of the time.

She also probably had some questions as to why you didn’t leave while she lived at home, very hard though that can be to do.

And you and her dad gave her a very skewed model of what a loving relationship should be like, which may have implications for her current relationships.

If you are able to discuss all of those issues with your dd, and listen to her, and validate her experiences, and take responsibility for your own part in some of the dysfunctional dynamic, then I don’t know what more you can do op, except let her know that your door is always open, and then sit and wait for her to come back to you. 💐

Sadly, abused parents often convince themselves their children know or knew nothing about it. It's not true. They see. They hear. They feel the tension. They know. And it affects them for life. She didn't have to see him hit you to know that he hit you.

What was done to you was not your fault but you need to face the truth that she lived it too.