How do you discipline your children when you were were parented badly yourself?

[Findi]

I know I’m getting it all wrong.

My DC are quite wild and loud compared to other children. They aren’t really poorly behaved, but they don’t always listen, can tantrum to get their own way, and will answer back frequently. Some of it might be because they are headed to teenage years (youngest is 10), but some of it is because I struggle with disciplining them because of my upbringing.

I am wide awake in the night because I’ve woken up in a panic again that my DC will hate me. The reason being last night I raised my voice (firm not shout) at one of my DC because they had lost something important (which was later found in an obvious place if they had just checked it), it was their responsibility and they answered back that I should of checked for it instead. I said now they are getting older they need to start being more responsible with things. Child stomped off crying and I was left consumed with guilt. I apologised for raising my voice , which they accepted, but I still felt wrong even though I think other parents would have reacted similarly.

Other child fell asleep and missed seeing a lot of the neighbours fireworks out of the window. Tried to wake them several times, they said they wanted to sleep. They later woke up in a rage screaming and shouting that it was my fault they had missed them. I told them calmly I had tried to wake them and they still blamed me. Screaming and shouting at me. Their rage filled me with guilt that I should have tried harder to wake them and I apologised.

My childhood was consumed with my mothers rages, insults, put downs. I wasn’t good enough in any way. In her eyes I was ugly, thick, stupid, unloveable and she wished she had aborted me (said regularly through my childhood) If my mum hurt me or insulted me I was forced to apologise by my dad even though I had done nothing wrong.

With my children I seem to be stuck in a pattern of apologising in the same way even though I think my reactions are ‘normal’ and I’m not certain I have anything to apologise for. But maybe I do. Do other parents apologise for disciplining their children? I don’t know. Am I apologising because it’s what I was trained to do by my own parents even though I don’t feel what I’ve done is wrong? or would other parents apologise too?

If they do something wrong I ask them to stop. If they persist (after being told about 3 times) I raise my voice (but not in a shouty way, in a firm way, but they say I’m shouting at them unfairly even though I can hear I’m not. If they know they can’t push the boundary they start screaming and then shout at me to try and change my decision. If it’s something really bad I remove their device (not very often) with a time limit attached to that removal (eg an hour or an evening without it), this results in crying and them telling me I’m the worst mum in the world.

Those words sting because it’s the thing I’m so desperate to avoid. My DH doesn’t do much discipline so I feel in many way like a single parent. When he does parent he’s quite shouty and competes with the children’s loudness, rather than trying to calm them down, so it’s easier that I just deal with it, but I’m left feeling like the permanent bad cop. He can be quite snappy, even with me, but the children seem to see him as a pushover.

I feel like my childhood is being repeated, but not because I’m treating my children like I was treated. Because I’m so desperate not to treat them that way, I seem to have created a situation where they treat me a bit like my parents treated me. Where I’m consumed with guilt for their rages and I end up being the one to apologise.

I mean obviously I’ve gone wrong somewhere because they think it’s ok to rage at me to try and get their own way. Both DC behave very well in school and are angelic infront of others. Their rages are sometimes real with tears, but sometimes they are shouting and they will just suddenly laugh and calm down really quickly because they know it’s not working.

Please can someone help me see where I’m going wrong. Any suggestions how you discipline or how I can get things right would be much appreciated. And do you apologise for disciplining you children if you have raised your voice? I don’t apologise for removing devices, but I speak to them to check they understand why their behaviour was wrong and why I removed it.

Thanks.

I apologize for getting angry and shouting. And same as you, I’m desperate not to shout but can’t always avoid it. And I feel horrible when I do because it makes me feel like I’m turning into my father, whose rages I had to live with as a child and who often made me cry. The one thing I want to avoid as a parent is to be like him, so I always make sure to apologize to my children. He never once did so at least I’m doing better there.

Take a deep breath and be calm.
Consistent consequences
A daily routine
Basic chores that keep them grounded (make their bed, put their dishes in the dishwasher)
Absolute respect for school work

Downtime, fun and opportunities to run wild and let it all out of their systems
Let DS know I love him every day.

Please can someone help me see where I’m going wrong. Any suggestions how you discipline or how I can get things right would be much appreciated. And do you apologise for disciplining you children if you have raised your voice?

Have you had therapy to deal with the emotional impact of your upbringing? You may be projecting how you felt about your parent onto your children now, but your children have a different childhood entirely.

You need fair rules, that are explained, and applied consistently. If your children feel aggrieved/frustrated, learning to deal with that is part of normal human childhood.

You mustn't equate the abnormal upset of a damaging upbringing with the normal upset of being told 'no' or 'do x' - all kids have tantrums and get frustrated at the rules.

You mention guilt a lot - therapy might help you look at that.

This in particular: I feel like my childhood is being repeated, but not because I’m treating my children like I was treated. Because I’m so desperate not to treat them that way, I seem to have created a situation where they treat me a bit like my parents treated me. Where I’m consumed with guilt for their rages and I end up being the one to apologise. This sounds like something a therapist could help with.

They are not treating you like your parents - they are children. Focus on your actions and responses - you are the adult here.

Op, I think you need to remember they are children, teen hormones are running wild and their emotion control is all over the place.

Lose the guilt. You are genuinely doing your best and they will know that. They will remember your love, care and the fact that you are there when they need you. They conveniently forget how unreasonable they can be. And that's ok.

You're doing brilliantly.

I was hit with a belt regularly as my mother didn't appear to understand there were other methods of discipline - and I was actually a pretty good kid!

My approach has been to have crystal clear non-negotiable boundaries where no always means no, and DH and I always agree with what the other said.
We used the 'naughty spot' a bit (not a step, because that way literally anywhere could be a naughty spot, including a corner of a supermarket) - I know it's not popular nowadays but it worked brilliantly. We also used a little (also portable) reward jar a LOT - portable so that the reward was immediately obvious and not forgotten about later.
I only ever shouted once when my DS escaped from his car seat when we were driving, the rest of the time I generally focused on distraction.

Also key for us was sitting down for meals as a family and talking about our days. And, spending one to one time individually as a parent with a child as often as possible worked well.

The fact that you're concerned about it is good, it means that you're making positive steps to change things. Good luck 🙂

Do you like reading? If you do I highly recommend 60-minutes Mother. It could be read in 1 hour even though it took me longer. I also love Teenagers! I read it many years ago, and rereading now. Both books written by a person with real life experience of supporting parents from all walks of life. Both books by Rob Parson, available from Amazon for a few pounds.

I parented exactly the same as you, however during the apology stage I would talk through with my kid about what made me angry, or why I made a different judgement call than the one they expected. So I wasn’t really good at responding the best way in the heat of the moment, but I was good at discussing with them what I was trying to achieve and how could we work through it together. There were a hairy few years where I wished I had been stricter, but it all worked out great.
I never felt guilty though because I knew I was doing the best job I could, so give yourself a break!

Lovely post from Meadowfinch.

Thank you for your replies. Sorry I didn’t come back sooner.
4am and the same thing is happening. Nothing happened yesterday either.
I can’t stop this panic.
Ive had limited therapy on the NHS about my childhood, nothing that’s helped.
My physical health is also not good and I know that impacts my children and I hate myself for it.
I just feel useless. My own mother hated me and didn’t hide it, never apologised for her outbursts, didn’t care about me at all, but told me she slept well because her conscious was clear. And here I am with the weight of the world on mine feeling like I’m getting everything wrong.
I will take advice on board from this thread though. And @Kosenrufugirl , thank you for the book recommendations, I will get them.

You react differently because you're not your mother.

I was the one who suggested therapy. If you can afford any and can find someone good, it might really help. You might be able to find a women's charity who subsidise.

One thing that might help with the panic is reacting more slowly. If your child is shouting at you, you don't have to fix it instantly. You can reflect and go back after a few minutes. If you slow down a bit your responses might be more thought through, so you feel less panic in the moment.

Your post is so sad OP, I'm so sorry you had such a difficult upbringing. You are absolutely not your mother and are 1000 times better. It sounds like your children are loved and secure, hence they take the piss like all kids do.

I think your issue is confidence. You are probably doing fine but second guessing yourself. Stick to the rules, consistency is important and consequences for bad behaviour not aggression. That's all you can do. You have to just have faith that they love you but accept they might be angry at you in the moment.

I agree you should apologise for shouting. Maybe not for what you said but the way you say it. You should also ask the kids to apologise when they shout and lose control.

I really recommend the book ‘The Book You Wish Your Parents Would Have Read and Your Children Will Be Glad You Did’. It’s essential reading for all new parents imo!

Self awareness is the first step towards breaking the cycle. You can do it OP.

It's important to remember that you can't judge the rightness or wrongness of your parenting/discipline by the reaction of your children. They react with rage because they are still not old enough to control themselves fully, and because that's what children often do when they don't get their own way or when they're upset about a situation (especially if it's their own fault!).

It sounds like you are doing a decent job of parenting, but that you have little confidence in that, due to your upbringing . You need to own your parenting decisions. If children sense that you're hesitant about your rules or decisions, they will try to make you back down by acting as if you're being horribly unreasonable. They've found your weak point! Raising your voice a little is ok. Just calmly stick to your guns and remember they need boundaries. They need to know that there's consistent resistance when they push!

I am sorry you are feeling this way. Many people feel useless, through no fault of their own. Private counselling is very expensive and NHS counselling is difficult to get. Also, counselling doesn't always work. Do you have any religious affiliation? If you don't, would you consider looking into Buddhism? Twice daily chanting of Nam-Myoho-Renge-Kyo, if only for 5 minutes at a time, is meant to draw out our inner wisdom and draw out protective forces from the Universe. It sounds bizzare, I know. However, I have solved many personal and professional problems in 13 years of practicing Buddism. It's also free. You can find more on our SGI-UK website

Would you have ever shouted at your mum? No. Because she wasn't an emotionally safe person for you. You are for your kids and that's so valuable. You are clearly a dedicated parent as you are awake in the night worrying about them. The rest is details.

If you have a local children's centre their parenting courses are often very good and depending on the practitioner will help you grapple with all of this. Not because you are a bad parent who needs to learn to be a good parent but because having a space to talk about this all with other people is so valuable.

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