Interested to hear anyone's thoughts on this, I'm not sure if I should be concerned, annoyed or I'm being a pedantic control freak…
DS and Niece (4) came to visit over half term last week, she asked to come and said yes on the agreement that she understood I was working (I WFH) I couldn't get time off at short notice but managed to get one half day. DS said she and DN would be happy to just "chill at the house all week" and help me watch DD5 while I work. Neither of that’s happened and it was chaos, she didn’t play with the girls at all or seemed interested in doing anything with them. I set up a few little actives, colouring etc and arranged for DH to take them out two mornings, once to a big park a drive away and once to a trampoline park DS stayed at home both times so she could have a break; she didn’t cook any meals, clean up etc, she chose s few random jobs that didn’t need doing (clearing out a kitchen cupboard and putting some pictures up and generally just made more mess.
Also it become clear that we parent very differently, DN doesn’t eat proper meals, just grazes all day, not a massive issue but what she grazes on is, I came down stairs every morning to find DN and DD eating chocolate, crisps or cake bars. Obviously then they wouldn't eat any breakfast I made but were hungry mid-morning, I tried to keep tabs on it but DS was going to into the fridge giving out cheese, frubes, cereals bars, more crisps etc. all morning then wouldn't eat lunch I made and so on. One morning at 6:30 I found DN eating a magnum, DS seemed to find this completely normal. I also noticed there was half finished food all over the house, 2-3 drinks on the go at a time, random pieces of cheese half eaten - I couldn’t keep on top of it. I'm not against snacking (and the amount of snack food the house confirms it!) but I usually don’t allow snacks an hour before meals. On the one occasion I managed to keep them from snacking before dinner she ate really well.
DS doesn’t get DN dressed so she is completely naked all day, we had a few odd jobs done round the house so it wasn’t that warm as the doors were being opened all the time and there was also male contractors in and out, at Halloween we were caught out by an early tricker of treater before Id got them in costume and she was happy for the child to go to the door completely naked - she wasn’t in the slightest bit bothered or concerned and DN seems to have no inhibitions at all.
When we did need to leave the house she was happy to get dressed bar one time, she stamped her foot and said she wasn’t getting dressed, DS lost her head and stormed off, I found her upstairs deep breathing "trying to regulate herself" DN happily let me dress her without incident, DS has also commented on how much DN loves wearing her new school uniform and they spent loads of time dressing up together so I don’t think it’s a sensory thing?
After a few days a realised I she wasn’t prompting DN to brush her teeth or wash her hands and face, the child didn’t have a bath all week and DS said she only gives her bath once a week as she doesn’t get dirty. I ended up taking both girls up every morning when I washed to wash them, do their teeth etc, again DN didn’t have any issues with this but obviously at 4 she's probably going to need to be prompted.
In the end I gave up and just tried to hold boundaries with my DD as obviously she started to copy DN stripping off and constantly snacking and I think DS took this a jibe and got a bit defensive so I was made to feel like I was being a bit pedantic and she made a few passive aggressive comments about "Type A" parents.
I think this is the first time DS has had "sole charge" of the child for a prolonged period, she was in nursery from 9 months old and BiL is pretty hands on (when I think about it I have noticed it him that’s brushes the child's hair) so she's just not used to doing everything? DN is always clean and tidy for school from what I can see of the photos she shares and she goes to breakfast club and has school dinners and eats well at both apparently?
edited: post should say DS & DN - my head is scrambled!