When to have 2nd child when 1st born is ultra clingy?

[CushionLover88]

My 2yo has always been high needs since birth. He’s still very sensitive and ultra clingy with me. He cries if I go out of sight for even a minute, I can’t leave a room without him following me or crying, when at playgroups he doesn’t like it when I talk to people - he drags me around to play with him/watch him play and even at home, he’ll only play independently if I’m sat right next to him. If I need to go to the toilet, he either comes with me or if my DH is home, he stops what he’s doing to keep him company whilst I disappear. He has big parental preference for me too. If I’m not around, he’s fine with his Daddy but if I’m around, he’d rather stand at my feet and follow me around than going to play with Daddy.

We would like another child soon but I’m so worried about how my boy will cope with sharing me. I’m worried about the guilt of having to reject him when I’m busy breastfeeding, especially in the cluster feed phase.

Has anyone had a similar first born and how did they come with a sibling coming along? If we started trying soon, he would be 3yo by the time a baby would be born.

My first was a very classic high needs Velcro baby. My 2nd was not, he was much more chill. It was definitely not a repeat of the first time around, but even still you know what you’re doing second time around and it’s easier anyway.

What helped though is we had a larger age gap - 5 years - for practical and financial reasons. So eldest was at school when 2nd was born, so my focus could be fully on baby during the day and then otherwise Dh was largely around so there were more hands on deck. Realistically, high needs babies tend to stay high needs. My now 11 year old is still more high needs than my 6 year old. But just having a few extra years between them made a difference.

My second has SEN and I wouldn't dream of having a 3rd . I think you should wait as your child is still very young

You need to wean you child off you a bit before you consider this. Daycare, more time spent with dad or another relative with you not there. Otherwise it could turn into jealous nightmare.

Are you sensing him to nursery at 3? It will help with the clingyness.

DS1 was a velcro baby we have a 3 year age gap. I found this was a good age as he was able to understand a bit better and also want to help me (like can you go get a nappy etc). BF I would have a pile of books next to me and would sit and read whilst I fed DS2. He never felt rejected as it was reading time.

DS2 spent a lot of time in a sling and learning to feed in it was a game changer. It meant DS1 could go to the playpark etc and I could still help whilst DS2 was happy having a feed.

My velcro baby was also in preschool before we started trying and we sadly had a load of problems having our second, so we didn't have 2nd until a month before my eldest started school.
This must have been a bit of a turbulent time for her, but when she started school it was excellent because I then got some alone time with newborn, and then if I needed to 'neglect' him a tiny bit (I mean he practically lived in a sling for the first 9 months of his life!) to prioritise her, after school, I wouldn't feel too bad as I'd had 6 hous with him already.
Pick ups and drop offs also helped schedule a bit for a routine and got me dressed and out the house far earlier in the day than with my first!!