Can anyone offer any advice?

[Doyoufeelthepowerofthegladiators]

My DD has a sporting event over the weekend, her Dad has told her he wasn’t going to the event (we are separated).
She is devastated, she has tried to speak
to him but he is saying he can’t go due to watching our DS.
It’s no issue about our DS also going - there is a party after the event which he can join in to.
I’ve to explain to the ex DD really wants him to go but he won’t budge.
He does have a new partner that seems to really hate me (I’ve no idea if Ex has implemented ideas or this hatred) I’ve made it clear that she can go to this event too, there is no issue on my part.
FWIW the new girlfriend has recently been telling the kids a lot of negative information about me, which is never ever reciprocated, examples are ‘your mum always get her own way’ but I don’t have the context and ‘we’re getting a bit sick of paying for everything’ again I can’t provide context for this either as Dad doesn’t pay maintenance (he works but he’ll never pay, he just pays for a one of their hobbies each)
But back to DD she is so upset, she said her Dad doesn’t care about her anymore, she is terrified to speak to him about it but equally she wants him to go.
I don’t know what I can do anymore to try and get him to see sense, I’ve offered not to go but DD said she really wants me to go also.
Any advice on how I can approach this with Dad or how DD can? Or any ideas
on how to make DD feel better about all
this. She’s been so upset recently about a lot of issues with her Dad and it’s awful seeing her so down

Why is she scared to talk to her dad?

How old is ds and why does their dad feel he needs to watch him? I'd it something ds would be horrifically bored at and potentially cause issues. Could you arrange for him to have a play date (age dependent obviously) so that he doesn't require watching?

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan

she says he overreacts and that he would tell her off.
I’ve honestly tried to talk to him about it but he won’t engage, and DD says that when I’ve spoken to him before it’s made things worse. Eg his partner told the kids I should’ve given them spending money for holiday so I asked if they needed any and he denied saying this but went mad at the kids for ‘getting him into trouble’
DS is 8 he won’t be any bother at the event, he would probably enjoy it to be honest, he could even take his switch and play on it if needed but I doubt he would want to. Someone else could easily have him too.
Dad does seem to favour DS’s events he does watch him playing his sports when it’s his weekend but he refuses to watch
games when it’s my weekend. I’ve no idea
why, the kids tell me he has said it’s because he needs ‘his time to do what he wants’
I’ve honestly tried to engage with Dad but it’s like talking to a brick wall

Then unfortunately there isn't much you can do sadly.

Is there a thrid party he might listen to that she could talk to?

Slightly different but my parents went out of their way to attend the opening of an envelope if it involved my sister. Never missed a football match etc. But they never once came yo anything for me. When I hit about 17 and did our very last school concert we had an almighty row about it. They attended only because I made them feel bad I think my dm could be heard very loudly saying something along the lines of "ohh I am gobsmacked Susan can really sing". After years of being told how awful my voice was. I have never forgiven them for their favouritism. It still hurts over 30 years on.

There is nothing you cam do if he won't listen. But I would perhaps drop him an email saying that "i know dd won't speak up because she doesn't want to appear disrespectful but that this event is incredibly important to her and that i know it would mean the world to her if you attended. X has offered to have ds for a play date so there is no need to worry about him becoming bored and disruptive. Just though you should know in case you are able to attend"

I'm sorry to say this but it sounds like her dad doesn't truly care much for her and isn't that interested in her. As much as I can see why you want him to come to things, I really think you should stop trying. Your DD will see that he is only coming because you said he should. I think it will be easier for her to recognise openly that he isn't interested in her, and cope with that away from him, than cope with him being there, but only begrudgingly because he feels he should. Isn't a parent you don't have to relate to because he isn't there and doesn't care, easier than one you have to relate to despite him not caring?

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan
Thanks for the reply.
That must have felt horrific for you, I truly feel for you having to go through this.
I feel so bad for the kids that their Dad can’t seem to see the hurt he is causing them.
my DD is having some counselling at school, the school have offered to phone Dad to speak to him about the issues DD has raised and I think I need to take them up on this offer Dad might listen to an outsider.
With regards to contact between me and Dad I have tried to message/phone call/in person conversations but each time I try it ends in a scowl, with no answer and him leaving and he tells DD off for ‘getting him into bother’ so it’s hard to communicate.

@stichguru

thanks for the reply. It’s good to see this side of the coin also.
Ive tried to explain to DD that I wouldn’t ever stop Dad going to anything and he is always informed of school plays/ assemblies etc but chooses not to go. So she is aware but she isn’t coping very well with it, she is inconsolable that her Dad doesn’t care about her and her activities etc.
its so hard to see her like this.
DD thinks that dad’s girlfriend has something to with it but I’ve made it really clear she can come too.
its hard to navigate these waters and just want your child to be happy.

That is really hard @Doyoufeelthepowerofthegladiators. If school have offered as an outcome of the counselling i think you should definitely consider takeing them up on it so long as it doesn't cause him to tell dd off more. If that happens she may shut down and not talk to school either.

As for me, it is one of many issues I have with my parents and their questionable choices unfortunately. They have never changed. They still massively favour my sister. Although she would say otherwise I'm sure.

We rub along because they are far better grandparents than they ever were parents. Dd adores them and they her.

Life is too short to hold grudges

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan
I am weighing up the balance of the school
counsellor speaking to Dad, in one way I think it might in effect make him listen up, in another way I don’t want him to take this out on DD who is struggling already with the fact she doesnt think Dad cares or even loves her anymore. I worry about DD shutting down also but it’s so hard to not be able to try and resolve a situation because DD doesn’t want me/school/anyone to try with the fear of a reaction.
My DD lately isnt too keen on Dads girlfriend (DD thinks since she has come along she is firmly last place with her Dad) and I’m trying to explain to DD that it’s takes up so much more effort and heartache to hate.
an example of this is DD tried to video call Dad before she went to bed to say goodnight to be told ‘im
putting up a wardrobe for girlfriend, can it wait’

Oh that poor girl.

I would possibly get her to reframe her thinking on the gf. It's not the gf fault her dad is being a dickhead.

The gf could be a good ally. How well do you get on with her or even dd? Could dd talk to the gf and see if she could get her dad to wake up maybe? He may not argue with her as she is "on his side" so to speak.

It's such a hard situation.

My dsd (and dd) have issues with her dad and his disinterest. She sees it as him favouring their older brother. The reality is he is a spoilt mummy's boy who always got his own way and has no self awareness.

He moans at me that the girls are pulling away etc but then gets very defensive when I point out that he is a dick who only does what suits him.

We split when dsc were 12 & 14 and dd was 4, 7 years on I have long given up trying to keep the peace, I just tell him as it is. There is no bitterness etc just frustration that he never learns.

Dsd often rings/turns up to have a moan about her dad. She won't talk to her mum. Not sure why. But she will come to me and ask me to intervene.

I don't agree with the pp that you should allow dd to know how lacking in interest her dad is. I'm not sure that will help her mental health any. I think you need to try every way possible to get through to her dad.

Is mediation an option at all? Perhaps school could facilitate?

It's horrible - good luck and lots of sympathy for you and your daughter.

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan
im trying re the girlfriend, i try to explain that she could be a good friend they are both into baking and could do this together (i am the worlds worst baker😅) in be told DD not to worry about me being bothered that I think they could be friends.
I don’t think it’s helped that the girlfriend has said a few negative things to DD about me, girlfriend won’t have any communication with me but I don’t know why.
She did once tell DD to pick her dogs mess up and I told Dad that was an adults job and was unacceptable for DD (9 at the time to do) so maybe this could be why she doesn’t like me…but I didn’t see this as a massive issue just a don’t tell DD to do it again thing?
I asked for mediation with dad and girlfriend and Dad said they both weren’t interested.
You sound like an amazing stepmum who puts the needs of children first, which i think in fantastic.

We may have to agree to disagree in the dog mess...I have been making dd help pick up after our dog since she was 5 or 6 🤣🤣

As for being a good sm, i have always tried to do what isnbedt for the kids and not necessarilythe adults...although dsc's mum decided I was the evil Stepmother's when I taught dss to use the washing machine at age 9...compounded when I caught him being a boy with the door wide open at about age 11 and told him what he did in his own room was his business but to keep the door shut as he had 2 younger sisters and if he made a mess he was to put his sheets in the washer. Mind when he insisted on having his hands in his pants constantly I apparently gave him nightmares for pointed out it wouldn't fall off and he wouldn't find it chasing him down the road yelling "dss dss wait for me"

When dsd and her bf wanted to have aex, she came to me to chat through her reasoning before she spoke to her dm. We discussed consent and that either of them could say no at any time and it was OK. That it didn't have to be the word no, but pushing away. Or any words that meant one or other wasn't comfy any more etc. We talked abiut readiness for the consequences etc. She went to her mum much happier to discuss her decision. Her dad found out in a row with his exw and hse blurted out that their dd was on the pill and practising safe sex. Poor dsd was mortified. I had at least told him quietly and privately that she had come to me for advice.

It is a hard path to navigate. There are sooooooo many pitfalls. So many situations where you are dawned whatever you do. A quick tour of the stepparent board will show you that.

Unfortunately for my dsc both their parents are severely lacking in the parenting department. Neither will win awards for being a selfless parent or for putting their kids first. I have never tried to be better. Only ever to bridge the gap of that makes sense. I have screwed up and will do so again. Just like I have ad mum to dd. Just like my parents have with me and you will have with your dd.

The difference is we try to so better.

I jeep thinking abiut what other options you have with regards how to handle your ex...instill thunk mediation is the way forward. But maybe school should suggest it and mediate between dd and her dad and leave you well out of it. How good a relationship do you have with the pastoral team?

Hiwnold is your dd BTW?

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan

i disagree with the dog mess, but not everyone in life is to agree all the time.
my DD is 10, she is a sensitive little soul. I have a good relationship with the schools pastoral team, I may reach out re the school offering mediation.
its such a hard path to navigate when you ultimately just want your kids to be happy and feel secure with either parent. More so when the other parent seems to lack the capacity to care and cannot put anybody’s needs above his own.

My dd is 11 so they are similar in age. She also received a lot of counselling via her primary school when her dad and I separated and then again when we suffered 4 family deaths in 6 months and again when dh's son died earlier this year. The team were out of this world amazing! If yours are half as good your dd will be fine!

I would speak to them about the delicacy of the situation and ask them to facilitate mediation between dd and her dad. But her young age does make me retract previous advice about her talking to her dad. She is too young. She needs an adult to advocate for her. Although i appreciate that is impossible to do without the risk of dd suffering repercussions from her dad.

I think the most important thing is for dd to know that you have her back regardless. Be there for what you can be, advocate for her to her dad but ultimately you cannot be responsible for his choices.

I actually think it’s not a bad thing that she is seeing him for what he is. Some people are jerks. He happens to be one of them. What you do is model for her the appropriate way to respond and you validate her feelings about it. I’m sorry he isn’t being kind to you. I know you really want him there and it must feel really sad that he isn’t going to come. We’re going to make it a wonderful day together. Let’s think of something special we can do together after.

Don’t chase him. Don’t beg. Don’t offer not to attend. Don’t play the game. Just say dd would really like you to be there and is upset you won’t be. Then disengage.

I had a dad like this. It was really beneficial to see him for what he was and to see my mum not take any shit off him and for her to acknowledge that it was a bit crap me that he was such a loser. I grew up knowing exactly what was acceptable and having good boundaries. After awhile, I truly didn’t miss him not being around and was grateful to not have to spend time with him.

@mindutopia thanks for your advice. I might try this moving forward.
Dad has now said he will go to the event but only after tears from DD and a message from me to say she was upset.
DD feels a lot better now but all the advice received is really handy, I think in the future I will try this method, to make him aware of events but ultimately he can make his own choice and to validate my DD’s feelings when he ultimately lets her down.
interestingly my DD mentioned today that if her Dad ever remarried she wouldn’t go to this hypothetical wedding because he doesn’t go to any of her special occasions.