My son asked why I can't just be nice to him 💔

[Tessasays]

My 9yo son asked me a question earlier while I was loading the dishwasher and I snapped back with my reply, I shouldn't have and my stress wasn't his fault. But he said "ok ok, why can't you just be nice to me" I'm not gonna lie it's broken my heart. Because he's totally right. I didn't need to bark back at him, he only asked me a question. I really try to be calm and considerate with how I talk to my children but I wasn't kind this morning and it's totally ruined my day, and I hope not his 😔 I feel like a total b**ch and a failure

Parents are human. My parents sometimes snapped at me when they shouldn't have done, and I've been snappy with mine when there was no need. We're none of us automatons set to "pleasant service" at all times and children need to know that their parents have good and bad days and good and bad moods just like they do (within reason obviously).

It doesn't feel great, but it won't have done him any harm - you snapped at him, you didn't belt him - and you have both learned that you can experience and show negative emotion, recover, and you still love each other. Bitch and failure seem like wildly disproportionate words to use about this if you are usually calm and considerate. What's going on with your expectations of yourself?

I feel the same way today about my 3 year old OP. I'm torn up with guilt because I snapped and shouted at him. He cried and said "please don't shout at me mummy!"

My heart is broken. We hugged and I apologised, but later he was saying "some mummies shout because Santa doesn't bring their cheeky boys any toys." I told him Santa knows he's a wonderful lovely and kind boy.

I feel so low. All I can console myself with is the resolve not to do it again.

I'm gutted.

It’s awful to feel that one’s caused unhappiness like this, but think of it this way. He felt confident enough to call you out about this and you apologised. I’d say that’s a sign of a healthy relationship. It’s how you deal with difficulties that matters.

@Tessasays and @Somehowgirl you are human, we all get irritable and snap at people from time to time. I never would have felt comfortable calling my parents out for this type of behaviour and even if they had noticed they were in the wrong it never would have occurred to them that they could admit that and actually apologise.

The advantage you have is that you recognise your behaviour and your son feels secure enough to call you out on it. This means you can apologise, tell him you’ll work to be better at how you respond in the future. This is the way to build solid relationships and ensure your child continues to know they can trust in you.

Nobody is perfect.

Apologise and explain and learn from this.

Thank you. This helps.

Hope you're ok OP x

Apologise give him a hug and step up self care and identifying support to help reduce your stress.

Wow. If that doesn’t give you a kick up the arse ehh?

You’re not a failure as you feel awful about being horrible to him. So you can learn from it. If you were horrible you would feel indifferent.

Make tomorrow the start of a new chapter that your kid deserves.

OP it's absolutely fantastic that you can recognise that you snapped and hold your hands up. That's so positive!

And to echo other posters, we are all human, we all get snappy somtimes.

I snapped at my son the other day. I apologised afterwards and explained that I was grumpy over something else and because I was annoyed in my head I snapped at him when I should not have. Hes only 8. And he loves me so so much. I feel bad for him,

Just apologise to him. And maybe use it as a learning experience for both of you. For you, the learning is pretty obvious, for him the learning might be that just because someone is in a bad mood, that's no reason or justification for being nasty to others, you are sorry you did it, but understand that sometimes he might feel the same way as you did, in the moment you or he might be less than kind. So a sincere apology is needed.

I think most parents have been there, where you where, external stressors sometimes get the better of us

Everyone has good and bad days & you know now it’s not the right response. But none of us our perfect and he sweetly called you out - mine have done similar

I remember I was walking my son to primary school once and we had a slight disagreement about something on the way (can't remember what) I took him into school, gave him a kiss good bye, but walked away with tears in my eyes because I felt like we'd parted on bad terms.

I tried to keep walking away but I felt so upset and guilty about it I had to walk back to school to see him. I told the receptionist the situation and she allowed me to see him and sit alone with him in a room for a chat and a cuddle.

I remember explaining to him why we had the disagreement but that it didn't matter as I loved him dearly and I didn't want him to be sad.

Tbf he was fine anyway but was probably thankful of an extra cuddle lol.

I'm sharing this as it's always stuck in my head (he's 17 now) and I think it's proof of how hard on ourselves us mummy's can be.

You're only human.

Maybe explain to him you were stressed and it was not his fault and you will make sure not to do it again.

The only thing more important than an apology is changed behaviour, and it sounds like you've had a realisation today which sounds like it has already lead to some personal growth.

There's none of us that are perfect! We are all constantly in the process of bettering ourselves, learning from our mistakes and learning to communicate more effectively.

Perhaps your parents were snappy with you at times when you were growing up, it can be tough to break generational cycles but you sound like you are self aware and that's wonderful.

You are not a bad mother. A bad mother wouldn't care, this has upset you so much you have made a post on the internet for advice. Start tomorrow fresh and put it to the back of your mind.

If you find yourself snapping again on a regular basis, see if there's anything you can do to manage your stress levels. Easier said than done sometimes I know.

All the best
xx

No one's perfect @Tessasays it happens to us all.

Say sorry to DS, explain you were stressed and hug it out and it'll be fine.

There is no perfect parent.

In a few weeks your son won't even remember it happened.

💐

There are no medals for being a perfect parent. You can provide love and stability AND loose your shit sometimes.

Did you say sorry?

@Tessasays you are not a failure. Can I suggest that actually you are quite the opposite. You have created an environment where he felt comfortable empowered and safe to challenge your behaviour towards him.

Own your behaviour. Apologise to ds and explain that even mum's and Dad's suffer bad moods and make mistakes. Congratulate him on being polite in how he pointed out your behaviour had been unkind and tell him you are proud of him for standing up for himself in a respectful and polite manner.

Don't promise never to do it again because you will fail. Because it is perfectly natural to snap when we are stressed but promise that you will try really hard to think before you speak.

A good parent can make mistakes, as long as you focus on repairing things afterwards! It's never too late.

My 9yo and I are having similar discussions. She is both headstrong and emotional and firmly believes her younger brother gets away with everything. She is strong enough to call me out and I am trying to be better.
It's hard OP but you are only human.
Apologise and move on. Tomorrow is another chance. Forgive yourself but learn too.
This is the advice I give myself also.
FWIW I am finding this age harder to navigate. The emotional side of relationship with kids rather than the pure practical when they are tiny, probably a hangover from my own childhood.