feeling really low with 3 month old

[Marzipan23]

really struggling with my 3 month old baby. He will only nap on me, either feeding or in his carrier (but only in his carrier if being bounced) I cant seem to get him to nap on his own at all, i've tried everything I can think of. He doesnt nap in his pram or car seat either.
he also doesnt have much patience for his pram or his car seat generally which is making it really hard to leave the house, he doesn't like his carrier when hes awake only when hes asleep.
hes a lovely, happy boy when we're at home but i'm really struggling with only being able to put him down when he goes on his playmat for half an hour here and there and i'm really struggling with not feeling like I can go out because of the pram/car seat aversion.
did anyone else have the same experience? What did you do to improve things?
I feel absolutely miserable and so guilty because I know its not his fault - hes just a baby!

I’m sorry you’re struggling with this, I had the exact same experience with my first who is now 2.5 years old.
unfortunately nothing much helped but I can share some of the things I would absolutely not do again now I’ve had my second baby.

First of all I truly put the effort in to try and establish routines like nap times within correct wake windows and getting her in her cot even if it took an hour. I work in childcare so my belief and experience in establishing routines won despite the fact that it wasn’t working.
I would absolutely advise not to drive yourself mad trying and trying to establish things that just aren’t working. Your baby just needs what he needs and it’ll be so much worse for you when things keep failing instead of just going with what he needs.

my daughter also hated the car and pushchair, it was awful and I let it dictate us going out all the time, we couldn’t go far, we couldn’t go out for long because she’d need a nap, and we couldn’t do baby groups or meet with people because it would always fall when she needed a nap. Don’t do it, don’t let it take over, go out and just try to accept that his naps won’t be perfect.

its very hard because you don’t want your baby to be grumpy and overtired and you won’t enjoy things if they are, but what I learnt was that I was way more miserable letting it run everything rather than just going out and risking some crying. If I’d met up with friends they could’ve taken a turn cuddling her, if I’d gone to a baby group maybe the distraction would’ve been good for her.

I most definitely had Post Natal Depression and I think it was only magnified by trying to control and improve the situation. Just try to go with it and I promise it gets better eventually. And if he’s your only one, just enjoy the cuddles and the fact that you can give your all to one child without worrying about another one missing out on your attention. Accept help if you have any and it’s all normal, and it’s all temporary x

Half an hour on a play mat sounds great for a 3 month old! I know that doesn't help you but hopefully some reassurance that what you're describing is so common and normal may help you feel better about it? You will get through it, it feels awful whilst you're in it but as they get older things will change.

Do they have a dummy? Mine tended to sleep ok in the pram and car but they did usually have a dummy whilst they were in them. They wouldn't have without it.

Contact naps post breastfeed totally normal, in another month or so your baby will 'wake up' and start to feed less and also need less daytime sleep. That will make it all start to get slowly easier too.

@InsideOut91 @LegoHouse274
thank you both, thats actually made me feel a lot better to know its not just me. I know they'll be an element of keeping up appearances with what you see of other mums but it feels like everyone else has babies that are really settled and its my fault because I'm doing something wrong. its been a hard day today and I wouldn't even say its been particularly trying for any reason, i'm going to take your advice and try get out tomorrow x

It is totally normal, honestly. My two did nap in the pram quite a lot but other than that #1 mostly contact napped until 12 months old and #2 until 9 months old. From those ages they let me put them down for naps in a more predictable routine at home in their beds and it was ace. Until then I tried to enjoy the cuddles as much as I could.

Babies are bloody hard work. My DM sagely told me when I had my first "don't worry - the first year is always the worst!"

I have two bits of advice which you can take or leave!!

Firstly, maternity leave (whether you work or not) exists for a reason. We recognise as a society that tiny babies need time with their caregivers and that this has to be a priority. I know it's hard but if your housework isn't quite on schedule, or your hair isn't quite done the way you'd like, if you've not done all the groups /catchups that you wanted to, or if your baby doesn't appear to follow the rules... that's why you're off work. To look after the baby first and foremost and meet their needs, and also to spend some time recovering from pregnancy and birth yourself.

Secondly.. have only one true rule... and let it be that apart from in cases of severe illness, you'll leave the house at some point every day. Don't be a slave to anything else... wake windows, baby groups, contact or other types of naps, feeding regimes, developmental milestones... they're all things invented by people, and nothing is set in stone other than you and your baby should be safe. Make sure your baby is fed, stimulated and has the opportunity to sleep throughout each day and take it from there. Try a few groups. Go out for walks. Binge on Netflix, accept that naps and whatever plans you have got the day may go out of the window.

Basically just roll with it and don't lose yourself in any one aspect of new motherhood.

Hey it gets better, I'm a new mum with a 5.5 month old. He was a nightmare during newborn phase then suddenly he started sleeping long and when he hit 3 months he started to do only cat naps - it was so exhausting I could not get anything done and constantly he needed attention. I still tried to go out but like you say close distance only, every time I went out I had so much anxiety if he would kick off again. Then 4 month regression hit, and the 5th leap. Only past few days he's been napping longer, a lot of the time he was fighting sleep but I didn't give up. It's exhausting (now his night time sleep is poor). It changes all the time, it is extremely draining but you just get used to it. I followed some pages on instagram it did help as well. Also really try and read your child he/she will tell you what they need you just need to learn to read it (this is very hard). Sleep cues, gas/wind, burp etc. At 3 months your baby is also going through growth spurts so this is also affecting sleep and mood. You're doing your best so never give up, I had a phase where my baby would not let me put him to sleep and only would sleep with someone else like my husband or MIL and I was thinking what was I doing wrong? Sometimes they smell you too. I only contact napped with my little one for the first few months of life now I kinda miss it.. remember they also struggle to connect sleep cycles so try and learn how to put them back to sleep. And like one of the posters said, you just have to be brave and get out, even if the baby makes it miserable eventually you will get used to it. Baby slings really help too, as long as you use them safely. Hang in there mum! It will get better.

Some babies are like that! My eldest was a determined contact napper. She didn't ever do a nap longer than 29 minutes until she was 14 months and the only way that worked was to put on Downton Abbey (she likes the music!), feed her to sleep, wait 45 minutes then caaaaaaaaarefully slide her down onto the sofa. She napped in bed ONCE. Ever. And she woke up from that screaming solidly for 30 minutes until she was covered in sweat and retching. She would sleep in her pram thank goodness, but only 6 months plus.

You wouldn't believe how shocked I was when my next two would take a dummy and happily snooze in the pram, and by 5 months would nap in their cots. Still not for more than 30 minutes until they were nearly a year though. DC4 is sooooo easy with sleep, has been since day 1.

I had one very settled, chilled out 3 month old and one who was really tricky. You haven’t done anything wrong, and you haven’t broken anything.

I agree with lots of the advice given above, especially from the first replying poster.

Prioritise you, your health and wellbeing, your happiness, as that truly is what is best for the baby. Do what makes you happy. And recognise that sleep deprivation and post-natal depression go hand in hand. Think about going to your GP. The only thing I regret about taking a low dose antidepressant is that I didn’t do it sooner.

It feels like a ridiculous thing to say because at the moment it will feel all consuming but you will look back on this in the not too distant future and not really remember how bad it is. I say that as a mum of a 20 month old DS who exclusively contact napped until 12 months and cried to the point of vomiting if I took him too far in the car or pram until 15 months.

Here a few things that helped (or seemed to anyway):

cranial osteopathy
having company on long drives and sitting next to him in the back
as soon as his head control was good enough getting him forward facing in the carrier and sitting upright in the pram as opposed to the bassinet
not fighting the contact nap, find ways to enjoy it and embrace it, it’s so cliche but you will look back on it fondly one day!
like the first poster says, routines are your friend - knowing when their tolerance is slightly higher (just after nap time for us!) meant I could plan journeys somewhat.

Sorry if lots of this has already been mentioned, I haven’t read all of the previous replies but know that you’re not alone. It gets easier and you’re doing a great job ❤️

I sort of forgot to make my point!

The thing is, you can't compare your baby to the babies you are at groups. They don't all need the same support to sleep. The mum's with determined contact napper are less represented at groups because they are at home in the sofa holding a baby!

It's really tough but you haven't done anything wrong and it's not forever. My eldest still doesn't need as much sleep as her peers, she simply never had. That's been tough at times, but now she just reads in bed so I still get some peace in my evenings

Sorry wanted to mention my baby only does short naps (sometimes) in the pram and most of the time he is fussy after 30 mins of being outside. And especially when he doesn't nap. I try to get in at least one good nap a day even if it means contact napping. Also try and stick to one stimulating activity a day. E.g. going to a shopping mall and only there and back. Not to another place after. Start by taking him to short walks then slowly increase the time. Babies get stimulated very easily, sounds, touch, smells etc.

Good luck!