Worried about teen's sense of entitlement

[Dontlletmedownbruce]

DS is 17 and generally a good kid from an outsider perspective - good grades, doesn't go out partying or get into trouble etc. He was always demanding, he came into the world that way I think. I remember saying when he wasn't even 2 that he was a real risk for becoming a spoilt brat. I won't go into it all here but we read book after book, I attended a parenting course and we sought every help we could to deal with constant demands. We did not give in or change our mind or undermine each other. It went from tantrums as a young child to repeatedly asking in an attempt to wear us down, to manipulation or lying. These days its nothing like that just a constant demand for more, more money, more lifts etc. We say no and we keep saying no and he will just ask again and get really angry about it. If its something we say yes to and he is happy I can guarantee he will ask for something else 5 minutes later, he always always pushes his luck. It has really damaged our relationship and we barely talk anymore because it involves him asking, me saying no or offering a compromise, him getting angry then maybe eventually agreeing to the compromise. When it comes to personal freedom I would say we have been quite liberal, more than some of our peers and to be fair he has always respected the limits we set, for example if he is allowed go out but needs to be home at a set time. He is very independent and doesn't ask us to manage his life, he also has a part time job now.

Part of the problem (if you want to call it a 'problem') is that we have a high income and I am home most of the time too. If he asks for something and I say its too expensive, he will accuse me of being tight. If he asks for a lift and I say get the bus he will say I'm doing nothing anyway only sitting around and I should be driving him. i should add he gets plenty pocket money and gets plently lifts too when appropriate. There were a couple of things recently that made me realise this is a very deep seated sense of entitlement. I overheard him talking with a friend about wanting something, he said 'I can be very persuasive, I always get what I want in the end'. He was genuinely gobsmacked when I told him he would have to buy his own car when he started working, he thought we would just buy him one. I could give 100 different examples.

Does anyone have this situation and what can I do about it, if anything. Do I just keep saying no and hope one day he improves? I feel I have really tried not to spoil him. Are some people just like this all their lives? DH feels he has a cousin who is like this too and nothing can change him. I feel I'll end up hating him and our relationship will always be difficult.

So in a similar position what I did with my son was I started saying what's in it for me?

So if he asked for a lift somewhere extra (ie not to swimming or school or places I insisted he went) I'd say, no, because it's a hassle for me. And then I'd say so what can you give me or do first me to make it worth my while?

My DS was familiar with the idea of trading from games like Catan so the idea of lifts etc as trading favours did go in quite well.

He also intuitively understood the he wouldn't do stuff for other people without there being something in it for him so me having that attitude was just a reflection of his.

To begin with he offered me his pocket money but we mostly agreed on him either clearing the dishwasher/doing the cat's litter tray or similar.

It was very effective and after a while he really did cotton on and would come up to me saying " would you like to relax mum? What can I do for you?" And I'd know a request was coming but it was a much better way for him to operate.

I was wondering when you'd say this. My son can be like this too, he also has ASD/ADHD. The problem is I'm a lone parent on a low income, something he seems unable to fathom. I don't think he realises he's doing it half the time. I think he gets caught in a repetitive cycle in his head and verbalises it. I do say yes to things sometimes but more often it's no. I also encourage him to do chores to earn extra money. I do try and let it wash over me as much as possible. He's not a spoilt child at all. He is just obsessive about things. I think you just carry on with what you're doing. He will have to learn!

Just curious. If someone is so high functioning ASD/ADHD that you forget that they might have the condition, is there a chance that they actually don't have the condition, but just some traits that they share with ND people?

And don't most people have such traits? I know a PP said that her NT kids never asked her for anything, but most teenagers that I come across (whilst lovely) are also completely self absorbed/keen for handouts/explainig that "everyone " has the newest phone/nike this and that/designer bag

@gcsedilemma the OP's DS has a diagnosis so it isn't just a "might have". I can also believe that someone can be so high functioning that it can go "forgotten" or unnoticed. My late teen DS has been advised by a mental health Dr to have an assessment for ASD and to be honest it was a complete shock to me even though we have numerous other family members with diagnosed and undiagnosed ASD so I am not unfamiliar with autism.

Looking back and having done more research I can now see why a Dr would recommend an assessment but it's not always as obvious as you might think.

@gcsedilemma No, the assessment is quite thorough, if you've been assessed autistic then you've exhibited multiple sustained signs. You could easily not realize my DD is autistic, most people don't even know - in fact she hasn't even told her dad and doesn't intend to.

However, those people don't see her when she's ill or under the weather and she simply cannot cope with one more thing.
They don't see the low demand existence she lives at home to cope with the school day, the down time required not to be exhausted.
They don't see the extra steps we take to visit new places or scoping out the Quiet rooms at venues so we know where to go if it gets a bit much.
Teachers don't even notices when she shuts down because she's quiet and well behaved always
On the odd occasion she can't nip a trigger in the bud before she gets so sensory overwhelmed she completely loses it and then is plagued with guilt and embarrassment as she is extremely mature, sensible and high achieving normally and throwing a tantrum or bursting into tears is just awful.

And for me, I forget she is autistic because she is just herself and those things that we do to manage her autism are second nature and our normal.

The ed psych said that her ability masked her disability so even when she is struggling she's still managing academically better than most and being an only child in a single parent family has done her the world of good as she doesn't have to deal with two adults or spontaneous siblings.

@gcsedilemma , that is something we considered a few years ago but as @Singleandproud and @Mumski45 say its still there lurking and can be deeply masked. When DS was assessed for Adhd at 10 we considered for a while that the whole autism thing, diagnosed at 3, was an error as his Adhd was more obvious. The advice we got was that there was no error and that different stages of life can bring out different elements of it. Ironically his refusal to cooperate at the time and refusal to accept he may need support or have a diagnosis are quite typical autism rigid thinking behaviours. Then puberty hit and we saw a heap of typical autism traits, some new some old.

I don't doubt his diagnosis is there, it's just very hard to see what is what, which element is a phase, bad parenting decisions, his innate character or his neurodiversity, what if anything can we help change. At the end of the day, the fact is he is demanding to an unacceptable level and it's exhausting and we need to do the right thing as parents. Its a very fine balance between making allowances or enabling spoilt entitled behaviour. I guess the key is understanding and empathy while remaining firm, something I'm finding very difficult.