Encouraging independent play in DS

[AlicethroughtheSpookingGlass]

I would love some advice from people on how to help children gradually learn to play by themselves.

I have a generally absolutely lovely, bright, energetic nearly four year old DS. He's lots of fun and he's generally really good at understanding boundaries and routines over bedtimes, doesn't tantrum beyond a small protest if we say no snacks etc but the one thing DH and I do find hard is he will never play by himself and wants us to play everything with him from the second he wakes up. He loves his Lego but he won't even play that by himself - we have to sit right down beside him and build him things/play pretend with the little characters we make, etc. when I took him to soft play at the weekend he insisted I came with him, and the next day we were at another play cafe with a friend and he kept wanting me to come in with him.

He's absolutely fine at nursery, a bright confident little thing that plays happily with all other kids, takes the lead etc talks to everyone when we're out so not a issue anywhere else but when he's at home with us he gets so so upset - properly inconsolable - if I even say I'm just going to sit by him for 5 mins while he plays.

How can I gradually help him to build up this? I know part of it is I feel guilt he's in nursery full time so generally I want to play with him and chase him around the house etc but sometimes I just need five mins to catch my breath/not be a knight or dragon/chase him around soft play. How do I gently build this up for him?

Try a sand timer so there is a visual display of how long he needs to play alone. Either an actual physical hour glass or look at online-stopwatch for one you can display on a device.

I do a bit of playing first then firmly say "mummy needs to pop washing away now/go to the loo/ make the beds etc."

If youngest tries to insist I play I just say "I'm going to do xxx, you can come with me or play nicely"
Faced with the option of trialing round the house watching me do chores he almost always chooses to play although
Sometimes does get stuck in with dishes or laundry lol

I've just been stretching out the time I'm busy and now he'll do up to an hour with me popping in an out chatting to him

@Singleandproud the sand time idea is interesting - I know nursery use timers with them to help with sharing.

I do occasionally manage to extricate myself after we've played for a bit to do something boring, but he's started grabbing my leg and trying to drag me with me, while he's crying. We can be so (gently) firm on bedtimes, food, other small child flashpoints but it just feels we've got into an unhealthy dynamic over playing where any attempt to say not right now, we'll come in five minutes just sends him in a spiral.

Decide on a task and say mummy can’t play until I’ve emptied the dishwasher/hung up the laundry and every time you interrupt it takes longer. Now if he wants to sit quietly and watch you then that’s his choice but I would set boundaries that you need 5/10 minutes uninterrupted to do xyz and hold firm. If he gets upset then that isn’t real upset, it’s just a type of tantrum really and I would ignore it because what you’re asking for isn’t remotely unseasonable for his age. And he should figure out pretty quickly that it’s more fun to play with his cars or whatever! Then once you can take 5 minutes you can gradually increase the time you need to do your ‘chores’. As for soft play there’s no way I’d be going in there! Mine have been told it’s for kids not adults and if they don’t want to play then that’s fine and we’ll go home.

My child is 3 and, quite honestly, I just say no. I always have done. I'll say "no I don't want to play that right now, I'm doing XYZ" and I take time for myself. If I do want to but I'm busy I'll say "yes, I'd love to but I need to do XYZ first" and then I'll come and play. If there's any pestering over this I set a timer and he knows I'll come back when the timer beeps.

I play with him enough and am fully engaged when I do, so he knows it does happen. But he also knows if I simply don't want to then I won't.

I can't stand imaginary play. He gets lots of fun one to one time that isn't play based and he understands that as an adult I don't want to sit and pretend play. I bake with him, read, build dens, help set up his train set, go out on trips together, play fight and wrestle, go out for walks/on the bike, and so on. That's plenty.

I agree with @InTheRainOnATrain that I think it works better if you name a specific task rather than saying you'll come in 5 minutes. "I need to put away the laundry, do you want to come and do it with me or play with your Lego?"

For things like lego and building, could you start it off as a game to say that you're both going to build a surprise structure for each other? Really hype it up and say ' don't look at mine yet' and ' I can't wait to see what you've built for me' etc etc. Just to get him used to building semi-alone... Then make a huge fuss of whatever he's built. Do that a time or two, then next time just ask him to build a surprise for you while you're doing something else and again, big fuss... or asking for something specific might be easier for him, like ' while I'm putting on dinner could you build me a ship/a red house/a tower that reaches up to the table?'
For pretend play, I am no help... the only pretend play I like doing with mine is playing Ms Hannigan from Annie while they play the orphans...basically I just shout at them to clean. They love it 😬

@salamithumbs haha, that is definitely the kind of role play I feel I could excel at.

I don't mind a bit of imaginative play tbh but oh god there's only so many times I can be one of the Octonauts and Moana mashup, especially as he's so bossy at times. I do very clearly say that if he's too bossy other people won't want to play with him.

@InTheRainOnATrain yes, specific tasks is probably a much better idea, thank you.

I have managed to get him to help hang out washing occasionally or unpack the dishwasher, although he has learnt the phrase 'you're taking a long tiiiiiiiiiime' to be moaned at me incessantly. He doesn't whine really so thank god it's confined to this or I'd be posting him to the orphanage.