How/should I help?

[wintercherry]

Also posted on neurodiverse page.

Hi, I'm looking for some advice from other parents who have ND children.

Sorry longish post

I have a friend who has a little boy aged 4 almost 5. He is the most beautiful, intelligent and sweetest child you could meet. I have close contact with mum and within our friendship group of 5 we all have children around the same age. Our personal friendship spans over 15 years, just wanted to add this to say I know her very well. We have similar age children and this is no comparison, both boys very very different.

Mum has been told by two different establishments (nursery/school) that child has fallen behind peers and needs further investigation. Mum seems to have completely blocked this information as if it has never been mentioned and won't acknowledge any issues.

A few things about child for reference
• hand flapping
•walking on toes
• so so loud (shouts all the time)
•minimal fine motor (left handed)
•has no balance (bikes/scooters)
•randomly stopped eating meat - only beige bland food
•photographic memory - can read already
•has no imaginative play
•obsessed with toys for younger ages
•monotone and very factual talk. Can repeat the entire dictionary probably 🙂
•no sentence structure and sometimes unintelligible
•no social skills with children other than family children - no social boundaries
•very inactive, can't run properly or walk long distance due to fitness levels

There are more but the above seems like a character assassination and I absolutely adore this boy.

I do not want to destroy my friendship with mum but it frustrates me that he isn't getting the support he needs to thrive at school. He is currently falling behind with social skills as it seems friendships are not even on his radar and this upsets mum.

Now to the question. How do I approach this without causing hurt or do I not say anything at all? As posted above mum & child mean the world to me and I only want this little boy to thrive in life and right now he is barely coping.

Any advice is greatly appreciated 😊

Buy a book or pick up a leaflet and give it to her - nicely . . .

and then continue to be a safe and supportive friend.

You don’t do anything. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors and what support/help she is seeking. In the kindest way, it’s not your battle to fight

Agree with pp don’t do anything, A) not your place to be ‘assessing’ other people’s children and B) if it turns out you’re wrong and hes just a bit behind you would look like an a**, i have 2 autistic children, and i didn’t need anyone to tell me they were different, i knew, and your friend probably knows aswell, maybe she is just trying the wait n see approach or maybe she feels a diagnosis/seeking outside support isn’t necessary, either way keep it to yourself until she approaches the subject with you xx

You don't do anything apart from be her friend.

I think if you continue to care about her child, enjoy spending time with him and encouraging his interests, and meet him where he is at with both his strengths and weaknesses, that is a great support to any parent and child, ND or not.

Beyond that, unless it's reaching the level of neglect, I think you have to be led by her. If she's upset that he doesn't seem to be making friends, you could ask what school are doing to support him with that, for example, and perhaps encourage her to speak to school about it if she hasn't. Similarly, if she's worried about his speech and you know assessment was suggested, you could ask if she's heard anything about where he is on the waiting list. Even those are a judgement call in the moment, though – sometimes when we talk about our worries, we're open to practical suggestions, and sometimes we just want a supportive listener.

Thank you all for your comments.

This has been my gut instinct to keep quiet and continue to support where needed. This genuinely comes from a good place and I'm not looking to upset anyone with an ''in my opinion''

I love them both dearly and don't want to overstep however I know that no action has been taken by mum to access resources.

Thank you for your thoughts, I will keep this to myself 🙂