Violence and managing my emotions

[haje]

My 5 year old daughter was punched in the face at Halloween by a 10 year old male friend at a village event.

He was wearing boxing gloves. I was in the toilet with three younger children.

Four adults witnessed it. He was dressed as a character. Asked her to stand still. Punched her in the face to the ground.

I found her crying with a parent who had seen what happened.

I took all four of mine out to car, she told a staff (teacher but not a school event) on way.

I sat in car, she said he has been punching me all night. So I went back in. And I calmly told his mother.

Well, she is absolutely HORRIFIED AT ME. It's the character he's dressed as, kids are kids, she let him stay at the event and then he went trick or treating.

She sent me multiple messages that night saying he had apologised (he had not) and to ignore it.

I replied once saying please don't approach her tomorrow, let her be.

She shouted at me in the street at drop off. I walked away. Saying I needed to understand play. He was playing. Involving little ones. Doesn't know his own strength. I can't get involved in child arguments.

I ignored her.

I had a call from the school saying despite it being a community event her behaviour had moved it to school and they were following up.

I'm upset, dd is upset, we have a great deal of work to do around respect. She said he spoke to her at school and pretended it didn't happen, her version. She felt silly. He was normal?

So, she is my eldest. Can I ask as a parent of a ten year old what should I be expecting here? anyone?

I can only guess but if it was my child, costume off, home. Apology. Letter something like that. But the natural consequence would be if you cannot behave like a hero you do not dress like one?

Is this fair?

I should add I am absolutely furious and sitting on my hands because i am so angry but I am trying to focus it at the parent and not the child. And I will not be dragged into a street argument so I just want to check my expectations are ok and I am right to be so bloody mad

Hi - I'm so sorry 😞

What an awful woman!! I think you have kept your dignity so far and I'd be taking it up with the school and all authorities, including the police

Had she apologised, and been mortified, I wouldn't do that but clearly she has no common decency so you should act to protect your daughter.

She sounds so intimidating, but as long as you keep away from her and follow the proper channels, I shouldn't think people would take her side xx

I realise this isn't helpful, but I probably would have punched his mother and said it was just play.

@MumOfOneAllAlone thank you. I am raging two days later and dreading Monday. I am so upset. My poor wee girl.

That's how I feel, if he has been remorseful and she had been seen to be the same I could understand sugar, excitement etc. but it seems so calculated and her reaction has thrown me sideways

Bloody hell.
I have a nearly 10 yr old son and he wouldn’t dream of doing this. Even if a game or an accident, he would be horrified and remorseful to think he had hurt a younger, smaller child and we would both be apologising immediately.
I find the Mum’s reaction very odd. To give her benefit of the doubt perhaps she is horribly embarrassed and doesn’t know what to do? So I think you are right to sit on your hands, give her opportunity to apologise, and calmly support your daughter. You are right that it is the parent and not child at fault - at this age he is likely to be following instruction or behaviour from a parent, or might be confused if he wants to apologise and a parent is telling him not to. Deal with the parent not the child.

@violentovulation this is my fear. I have never hit anyone in my life. But I'm close.

@buddy79 thank you. That's helpful to say your son's reaction would be as I thought.

I work with children, I understand different methods of parenting, but I have never seen one with no consequences for actions.

I asked her to tell him not to speak to her, half day Friday. He just carried on as usual, small school.

I absolutely over reach and over react but having worked with women's aid and such organisations I'm seeing the circle every time I close my eyes. Thump her, be normal, repeat. Now I accept that's crazy in this no relationship scenario but what age should this be taught. My daughter should be walking away. She did not.

Honestly, she's awful. You've behaved as any normal woman would, she's scary and, if you don't recieve an apology at drop off on Monday, I'd advise taking action. Horrible woman. She may have it tough, but that's no excuse, as your daughter is an innocent child.

I’m so sorry for you and your daughter. His mother is teaching him that it is okay to hit women. And without consequences your daughter is being taught that it is okay to be hit by a male. I do hope the school does something even if it explaining that this isn’t acceptable.

As you've already had contact with the school, I would follow it up with them. Most schools would accept that a 5 year old being punched repeatedly by a 10 year old is scary and intimidating to the little one, and I think you need to specifically tell them that she is scared and can they please make sure he is not able to go anywhere near her. Speak to the safeguarding lead and make it formal. Ask them to be specific about what steps they will take to keep him away from her during lunch and break. The fact that this happened outside of school is irrelevant.
I teach 10 year olds and I can tell you that they are all aware that hurting a younger child deliberately is wrong. There is absolutely no chance that the boy didn't know he was doing wrong, unless he has a very high level of SEN, which you would probably be aware of.
The mother is clearly not going to do anything, and you contacting her will only make things worse. Obviously your child deserves an apology, but it's more important to make sure there is no chance of a recurrence.

He’s 10, the age of criminal responsibility, and he assaulted a younger child. His mother is a disgrace and you wouldn’t be unreasonable to report him to the police.

@DelphiniumBlue oh I won't be near her. Just she seems to have decided to follow and shout at me. So I am preparing myself for that again next week

I'd be interested to hear what the school will do. It's good news that they're looking into it and supporting you.

If she's arguing with you in the street and completely downplaying what her son did and texting you as much, she sounds like someone I'd want to avoid at all costs. And if she's like this, I'd really want my daughter at arms length from the boy.

I'd let the school know about the entire scenario and ask for full support and hopefully some sort of action from them if possible ( letter to parent for example)

I'm guessing the mum is a bit of a feisty one.

First and foremost, how is your daughter? The boy is twice her age and probably three times as strong, and she put up zero resistance and she was told to stand still, and she did thinking they were playing a game! Was she badly hurt?
Poor child…

I don't think you have a problem with self-control, I think you've been very restrained. Your little girl was punched to the ground by a boy twice her age, and his mother reacts by screaming at you?! I'd report it to the police as an assault. Presumably there are witnesses. And definitely pursue it via the school as well. Your poor DD and poor you, I would be beside myself. Sending you a big hug.

The mother needs telling that she’s clearly the one who doesn’t understand the difference between play and harm, and she and her little shit of a son are to stay well away from both you and your daughter from now on or you’ll be reporting them to the police for harassment.

Report it to the police, report it to the school. And do not let her intimidate you. She's scum and believes that by intimidating you, she and her son will get away with it. You're a mother too and when dealing with women like this you need to show them anger or they'll walk all over you. The next time she yells at you, yell back.

When I was 10, a 13 year old boy punched me. His mother tried to make it my fault and tried to intimidate my mum. My dad showed me how to throw a punch and taught me some strong language. The next week, I went up to the boy when he was alone, used the language my dad taught me and raised my fist as if to punch him then walked off. He never bothered me again and I learnt a valuable lesson in how to defend myself. My dad built on that knowledge by showing me how to express anger and fight back without resorting to violence, but also knowing how to physically defend myself if needed. I'm petite so it isn't about physical strength but bullies don't want the aggro of someone confident and feisty. They want easy pickings. That has stayed with me my entire adult life - so don't teach your daughter to back down, be polite, be nice, give in to fear. Teach her to get angry and defend herself in a controlled way.

Also if violence is normal for that family, you can't reason with them or expect them to react in the same way you would. The apology now (if you get one) would be hollow and I still don't think you'll receive one. The only language they'll understand is police, disciplinaries and public humiliation.

Jeez, OP, I’d be beyond furious at this. You showed a million percent more patience than I could have.

There would be no calming me down. She’d have had one chance to deal with her little brat and if not, I’d have given her what her son gave my kid*.

*away from all the kids, of course.

Thank you all. I'm not a violent person, I try to gentle parent and understand other parents but this has really thrown me off

We have a routine appointment tomorrow so mine will be later in. So be Tuesday probably before I have to see her.

We have done lots of stories this weekend about friendships and boundaries for little people.

Not much shocks me on here these days but this has. Your poor baby.

I actually remember my mum doing this with us. A boy at a party pulled my hair when we were younger so hard a small chunk came out. The parent told my mum he was just playing around - so my mum pulled her hair and said oh im just playing around.

Not saying I condone it in the slightest but that boy came in with chocolates for me the next day at school with his mum said sorry and never bothered me again....

The mum is handling this badly trying to justify her child's behaviour.

I'm not sure how I would respond from here - but my total respect for your patience so far with it. Not sure I would have been able to