Is it this hard for everyone? :(

[littlepeanutlove]

Hello. I have a wonderful incredible 15 month old son who I adore and worship! 💛💛💛
I am however finding it hard in so many ways to balance everything, stay sane, find time for everything and keep on top of things.
I often feel huge anxiety about his wellbeing, guilt about anything I might be doing wrong and sadness about all the things I can no longer do. Why does everyone around me seem to be finding motherhood so easy and natural while I constantly feel like I'm just managing to keep my head over water? Do you ever feel like this? I feel really low some days...

Perfectly normal in my experience. We’re all just trying our best and trusting to luck. Do you have a supportive partner?

@littlepeanutlove sending hugs x i felt like this when my son was little. Maybe try and set yourself small target's instead of trying to do everything at once?? When and if your little one has a nap sit down and catch your breath x

Mine are now 17 & 15, was talking with a friend yesterday about how incredibly difficult raising kids has been, enormous sacrifices it’s demanded. Much as I adore my children and am really enjoying being their mum now, I’m not sure if I was making the decision again, knowing what I know now, I’d make the same decisions to have them. The physical, emotional and financial toll has been huge.

When my eldest was 15 months, I was heavily pregnant with my second and found it all so overwhelming. It was like I was drowning under the pressure and stress of it all.
I put her in nursery for 2 days a week and it really helped take a weight off my shoulders. I knew I'd have some time to regroup and she'd be with her little friends and doing fun activities that she wouldn't do at home.

She developed so well and really grew into herself.
My girls are 5 and 6 now and life is so much easier now that they're more independent.
I promise you it does get better!

I'd honestly really recommend putting him into a good nursery or have an arrangement with a family member, even if for just one day week.

I think you get some peace when you acknowledge that you can’t do everything.

Almost every mum I know outsources something. Some have cleaners. Some pay for an extra nursery day to fit in working out. Some have a lot of family support.

Initially I really wondered where I was failing, especially comparing myself to one of my friends with a toddler the same age who has lost all her baby weight and got fit again, met new friends, keeps in touch with everyone, has a new car and always seems really calm…But then I thought about it a bit more logically. Her husband works longer hours further away for an increased salary. Her toddler goes to nursery two days a week; and alternate grandparents move in with them from Thurs to Sat each week. Her husband is home with them on Sunday, so she only really has them on Monday by herself, and we all meet up then. She’s got two children, but only went back to work for two months in between. She’s got a cleaner; and a lot of family support.

I’ve done well with DS, he’s thriving. I’m pregnant again. I work full time, DS does nursery two days a week and we have no family support. I haven’t made it back to the gym much since he was born. I haven’t lost all the weight I wanted; I read less and I’m bloody tired… but I’ve prioritised.

You'll probably have to, too, you can’t do it all. You either call on more support; if you’ve got some, or choose what’s important. You’ll do a great job regardless.

Oh, I forgot to say, I also have a cleaner that comes once a fortnight which makes a huge difference.
We don't get much family help (maybe one overnight every few months and practically no babysitting in between that unless in an emergency) so I outsource. We have less money but we're less stressed.

I found the transition to motherhood very hard and 5 years later, I still find being a parent incredibly physically and emotionally draining.

People may look like they're natural parents (and maybe they are), but I'm fairly certain noone finds it easy.

What makes it manageable for me is working, a partner who pulls his weight, outsourcing domestic labour and getting time on my own every week. Also, a healthy dose of self forgiveness and acceptance!

I think most people find it incredibly hard. It's emotionally and physically draining being a parent and getting used to being responsible for a tiny human life 24 hours a day. I know lots of mums with babies similar age to mine (12 months) and they all struggle, some more than others. Depends on the baby's temperament too. It helps massively if you have a good sleeper. My daughter sleeps really well but I'm still knackered all the time. Sat at work now with a coffee and a Berocca on the go. My mind is always racing and thinking of the next thing, what to feed her, what clothes she needs, how much water, weaning, poops, is she getting enough of my time etc etc etc. It's hard, and its ok to admit its hard. I wish more people would.

Yes very hard. Toddlers are exhausting. But what exactly do you feel guilty about? What more do you think you should do?

Yes and no. I think toddlers are always hard, but how hard depends on lots of things. I have 4DC. One was pretty much a nightmare toddler. One is not a toddler yet, but so far has had SUCH a laid back attitude and is a better sleeper than any of the others. It also massively depends on your partner and what support you have. Days when they are at nursery while you aren't working or are WFH, involved grandparents, a cleaner.... some people have all of the above and I reckon they have a fairly easy time!

I’m going to admit to you something I have never vocalised in my life.
For me, parenting days have been dark and desperate more than they have been joyful.

I could never have imagined or predicted how utterly utterly desperate to get away from it all I was for most of the time.

I had bone drenched utter utter exhaustion every single day & night.
My 1st DID NOT SLEEP at all EVER. Ever.
I survived on 2-3 hours broken sleep until eventually he slept a full night aged 5 and at full time school.
I worked day shifts and night shifts, 12 hours back to back and frequently went 2-3 days with zero sleep.

I had zero help or support from anyone in the family even though they knew how bad it was.

I felt constantly nauseous and dizzy, wasn’t safe to drive. I was not functioning.
Added to that, my 1st was a nightmare to manage, his behaviour was horrendous. He would not/could not sit still, was destructive & I couldn’t leave him in a room alone because he would climb curtains, jump off furniture, tip up tables, open windows and climb out, damage belongings (TV screen was wrecked)
I stopped going out of the house with him because he was a bolter, would run off into roads, away from me. The screaming and squirming would pierce my fucking soul.

He could escape from car seats, shopping trolleys, push chair, stair gates would be dismantled in minutes, doors unlocked with ease. Reins would be off in seconds.
Most days the school would be calling me because of behaviour issues.

I hated it, hated every minute.
It was shit.

Literally sat on a park bench and cried in frustration today. 2 kids, 2 and 5. Late for an appointment, hit every traffic light, I went to the wrong section of the appointment venue, dc2 had a tantrum the whole way about the snack not being the one they wanted, dc1s costume got stuck when they needed a wee and i had to break the zip to get them out, both irate about various injustices like having to wear shoes etc etc....

Relentless. They are so gorgeous and I do sometimes wish they had a better parent than me. I have to tell myself that good parents try to be better!

Why does everyone around me seem to be finding motherhood so easy and natural

Don't forget, the people you see, are the people who are having a good day / easy time with their baby that week. You don't get to see the people who haven't made it out of the house. Who haven't been able to wash their hair. Who can't cope with getting out the house to that class or toddler group you are seeing others at.

And people are saying there are too many pieces in the press about how awful motherhood is. It's not enough, it should be shouted from the rooftops.

Many overwhelmed mothers are led to believe that it's something lacking in them, when it's the fact that the 'traditional' family isn't how we evolved. Mothers need much more help and hands than they get to function as human beings.

In a word, yes. It depends on so many factors. Some children are harder to rear and that's a fact. Then there are different stages that can vary so much. My first was a bloody nightmare, I relate to almost everything @Brandnewskytohangyourstarsupon says. It's been years, he is a teen now and i still resent how hard it was with zero help. DD was the easiest newborn ever, if I had her first I would have been one of those well groomed well rested mums loving my mat leave. But then she became a very bad sleeper for 2 years and whiny and clingy. She is the most wonderful positive and independent kid now at 11, i sometimes am in awe of how lucky i am with her. DS2 was a windy unsettled newborn but became the calmest cutest little baby ever. He was absolutely no trouble as a toddler, never destructive and always happy, a little darling. Age 3 to 5 was particularly difficult with him and he can still be tricky now.

You are doing great I'm sure OP. Just keep telling yourself 'this too shall pass.'

Solidarity. I have a 15 month old DS and honestly have found the last few months relentless. The newborn stage even with zero sleep was bliss compared to now. I love him more than anything but he’s started having full on tantrums with me and I’m struggling to know how to parent at an age where it’s hard to reason with them. He is just so wilful and I seem to get the brunt of his anger or on the flip side so much affection that he will not get off me or let me put him down. Smugly I looked great with a newborn as I could pop him in the sling/dokatot and do my make up and hair and get dressed, now I look like utter garbage. All my clothes are covered with snot/food/yogurty kisses/mum and DS gives me about 3 seconds to get ready so I’m in a permanent mum bun and have terrible skin (although that’s not his fault I suppose).

I feel guilt / stress about not being a good enough parent to him constantly and have a cry about it roughly once a week. He’s just started childcare and I’m back at work and whilst the break is nice, the juggle and guilt is breaking me.
All that is to say - you’re certainly not alone.