Building 4 year old’s confidence

[Bananasinpyjamas1988]

We’ve decided to put our summer born DS back into nursery for a year as he was really struggling in reception. He really lacks confidence - at school he was freezing when asked to do any activities. He’s also really shy and struggles to stand up for himself - he’ll wait for ages at a slide for example as other kids just file past him.

we’re working on trying to build his independence by letting him get bored instead of playing with him all the time, and building up slowly (eg today at soft play he went to the loo by himself which he’s not done before).

does anyone have any other advice as to how to make him more confident? He’s an only child which doesn’t help I think (he’s much more comfortable with adults). I worry he will get bullied and not be able to engage once he’s back in school, despite him being quite clever.

Did the school advise you to take him out?
What were the school saying and doing to help him?

Yes they did advise us to. I was on the fence before school about holding him back and think it’s the right decision. His friends at nursery were generally 6 months or so younger. He’s now at the school nursery, so in the next room - not a huge difference.

I think stop talking about general confidence and consider what skills you want him to be confident in. You can become confident in [taking yourself to the loo] but it's far harder to change your entire personality in some ambiguous way.

Building confidence is about modelling and narrating what you are doing and how you are feeling to demonstrate how to deal with different situations. I would be playing with him more not less and roleplay different scenarios and scripting what he / the toy should say in that situation and practising it with him.
When he let all the other children go ahead of him, did you roleplay what he should say instead?

It's also about letting children try risky activities safely so they have faith in what they and their bodies can do and start to build a sense of self.

Why take him out of school though, was that recommended? It's not unusual for children particularly only children to be a bit overwhelmed at the start, they settle and love It by October half term or Christmas at the latest. It sounds more like he found it hard so instead of letting him get used to it, praising his determination to carry on and build resilience you've done the opposite and pulled him out because he couldn't cope - that does the opposite of build confidence.

Edit: Is he out for the duration or will have be transitions back in later in the year? - that might be a better option. I had assumed he was in a nursery unlinked to the school.

It’s also about making him feel secure. I wouldn’t necessarily encourage independence. Be there to model and support him in what he’s doing. Don’t necessarily send him off in the world to figure it out. I think a lot of this is quite normal at 4.

There are the loud, pushy, bold kids and there are the more timid and reserved ones. I will tell you though that the bolder ones will actually struggle quite a bit as they get further in school as ‘confidence’ in that way isn’t really celebrated when they are older.

I think just giving him time with peers in nursery and cultivating a close friend or two. I wouldn’t worry about not having a sibling. Many kids who go on to have siblings didn’t have any at 4, mine didn’t (though didn’t seem to impact their personalities really, they were both still quite reserved at 4). Mine blossomed in time in a peer group once they settled into school, so there is time.