Anxious about being in groups with my baby

[B0bby22]

Hi, I have anxiety (from before baby) and I have a 2 week old baby boy. This might sound so stupid to everyone but it's something that I can't get out of my head and that is a big deal to me.

The thought of being in a group setting with my baby (for example going round to my partner's parents house with his siblings and their children there and grandparents as well, or going round to my parents with my siblings and their children there etc) fills me with so much anxiety and dread. I don't want to be 'watched' when feeding or changing my baby as I don't like being 'on show' and obviously with us having the newborn everybody will naturally have their eyes on me & baby. My partner doesn't understand anxiety so can't really understand why I feel this way and I can't give him actual reasons as to why I feel this way, I just do.

I've always been an anxious person and hate all attention being on me and I get so flustered, but it seems to have increased now that I have a baby as I know everyone will be watching what I do. It doesn't help that both of our families like to give unwanted advice all of the time which we don't need as obviously we know what works for our baby.

Has anybody else felt this way and have any advice? I can't avoid group family things forever but I'm seriously dreading when I do have to endure it. I just don't want to be watched like a hawk as it makes me so uncomfortable!

I think it's understandable - your baby is only 2 weeks! If you want to wait a bit longer then it's absolutely fine.

Can you see family in smaller groups - just your parents to begin with. And make a plan in advance for somewhere private to go when feeding, changing etc. Or ask them to come to you, allocate a short time to chit chat, and go feed/change in another room, come back when you're ready. Talk to DH about how to navigate any situations you may not be comfortable with, like handing baby over to someone else.

Are there any baby groups in your area, breastfeeding groups etc. Other mums will be very up preoccupied with their own babies and will barely be looking at yours. The facilitators and organisers can also be wonderful and reassuring to talk to about anxiety.

I fed in a different room, you don't have to of course but for me I just couldn't in front of them, and husband does nappies, definitely at his family house.

I would hope family are more concerned with making you comfortable than any judgement, and enjoying seeing the new baby.

Hi OP. Hopefully you'll get lots of practical advice, but I just wanted to hop on and say this sounds a lot like social anxiety. If you have a child under 1 you will be seen as a priority in an IAPT service and can get some help from a therapist with it 👍

We have seen all of our families in smaller groups like household groups so my parents together and then DH's parents, all of our siblings but by household etc. I have fed and changed DS in front of my family in the smaller groups but there always seemed to be something else going on at the same time so that the attention was away from me. I'm not sure what it is about big groups that seem to set me off but I keep getting myself so worked up about it. DH's family make me more anxious than my own as they're also the type to make comments about me taking DS into another room to feed/change him in private as DH's sister did everything out in the open in front of everyone, and they would say I don't need to take myself away which would also make me flustered lol - it sounds so silly typing it out!

I'll have a look and see if there are any support groups near me, I expect there are and I just haven't seen them advertised but it does sound like it would be helpful!

I think I will feed in a different room, I just know that DH's family will make comments about me taking myself away as DH's sister would stay in the room with everyone as she was comfortable feeding in front of everyone. I know I'm overthinking things but can't seem to stop myself from getting worked up about it.

I think I might suggest to DH that he does the nappies at his parents house and that I'll do them at my parents, at least that's one less thing for me to panic about lol

Thank you, I have always thought I had social anxiety as well as general anxiety but when going to the GP I didn't seem to ever get anywhere and always got dismissed. Maybe I'd get some help now if I went back to the doctors as I have a child though

Hi just to add that I think a lot of the feelings will pass once you get used to feeding, changing nappies etc and you'll do it without thinking. But I don't mean to undermine the intensity of anxiety, it can be crippling. Maybe have a little phrase prepared for e.g if someone comments on you leaving the room to feed, and you could just say something like 'I just prefer to do that!' with a big smile. I actually remember really cherishing those little quiet times with me and my newborn when you take yourself away from the crowd. Good luck and hope you can have more lovely times than worries 🥰

Thank you, hopefully it will get easier the longer I've been doing it. I think it's just the combination of anxiety and being a first time mum that just seems to make everything seem more scary at the moment!

IDK if I missing something but isn’t the default to take the baby to the bathroom to do their nappy in private and not display a shitty nappy in the living room whilst everyone is sat around with a cup of tea?? I really wouldn’t worry about that one! As for feeding it’s fine to take yourself off if that’s more comfortable for you. Just have something light hearted ready to say if you think you’re going to get comments like ‘it’s far too exciting in here and he doesn’t feed well with distractions’ or something. As for the advice. Smile, nod, say thanks. Keep an open mind as you never know, some of it might actually be useful and it comes from a good place but ignore ignore ignore whatever you want to.

You can self-refer to IAPT (I'm assuming you're in England) and bypass the GP. Look up the SPIN questionnaire for social anxiety.

I also echo posters upthread who have normalised those feelings - especially if it's only recent. However the level of anxiety you described in your first post, along with your description of it being longstanding gave me pause to think of social anxiety.

All the best either way OP 👍