Daughter is angry at me, wants to live with her dad

[Stardust127]

Hi

im in need of some comforting words and reassurance really. And for anyone to share similar experience if they are happy to do so.

just a bit of background: I am married, with a 4 month old. I have a 10 yr old dd from a previous relationship. She still sees her dad numerous times a week. He is a really horrible person, at least to me. Me and my husband spend so much money on her, do nice things for her, holidays etc and love her so much.

DD kept taking clothes I’d bought her to her dad’s house and they’d never come back, or come back ruined or covered in dog hair. She shows no respect for personal belongings here either. So I made a rule she couldn’t take the clothes there, because I keep having to replace them. She tried to run out the door with a bag full of clothes last week (she takes herself to school across the road, he picks her up some days so she takes things to school), so I gave her the choice of having the clothes, or her iPad. She chose the clothes.

I’ve had nothing but nasty, abusive messages from her dad since she got there last Thursday, because I’ve locked her iPad. Trying to control me, tell me what to do, how to parent and basically accusing me of being a terrible parent, simply for disciplining her. She gets away with everything while with him and he’s teaching her it’s okay to disrespect and disobey me. He is always like this, so when she is at home she has huge 3 hour+ long tantrums when she doesn’t get her own way. I’ve been left so stressed and in tears every day because of how nasty he is. She doesn’t want to live here anymore because she gets to do what she wants when she’s with him.

Perhaps it’s not your intention but you’re punishing your daughter for your ex’s shitty behaviour.
At 10 years old she has likes and comforts and things that make her feel good and confident, why should she have to wear grubby outgrown clothes because her dad is a terrible parent when she has clothes she likes already?
You’re attempting to punish him by not letting her bring her clothes but you’re losing sight of who really suffers.
And all this on top of you having a new baby who isn’t a full sibling.

I do end up having to replace the clothes she leaves there because otherwise she has not much to wear while here. Which is why I had to stop letting her take them there, because it’s my money being spent. Her dad doesn’t buy her anything. The iPad being taken or locked is the only thing that she cares about, she literally laughs at me if I try anything else

She's just a little girl - of course she's going to love her dad and your family. It's terrible they've treated you so poorly, but it's not DD's fault. It feels like your feelings about DD are getting tangled with your feelings about other people (adults who should know better).

I would be careful of saying she can go and live with him. She will already be feeling rejected just by the fact of the new baby existing, and the amount of time you spend with it. Saying she wants to live with her father is her way of testing your commitment to her, and waving her off with a smile would just cement the rejection she is perceiving from the situation. As unlovable as she is being towards you, what she really needs is to see you fighting for her, to reassure her that you still care. She is pushing hard at this boundary in the hope it doesn’t give way. Please don’t cut the rope that’s making her feel safe.

Stop expecting her to take sides. No matter how bad his family treated you, that is your relationship with them, not hers.

Next time you take her shopping why not buy some crafts that you can do together so that you can spend more 1-1 time doing an activity with her without trying to buy her affection and loyalty. Take the focus off money.

So? Let her have not much to wear - you said she sees him multiple times a week so won't have to wait long without things if she wants them. That will teach her to bring them back, not threatening her with loss of ipad - natural consequences.

So what if she doesn't have much to wear? How is she going to learn to be responsible if you keep buying new clothes? If she leaves her clothes at her dad's then she will have to wear dirty clothes if she runs out.

This is parental alienation. Do not let your daughter go to live with him. Start recording everything that’s happening and get legal advice.

Why not let her have the bed? She's going through a lot, she has a new baby sister and she's living between warring parents. Would it really have been that terrible?

It's really extreme for a 10 year old to have 3-hour tantrums and suggests she's really unhappy. I suspect her feelings aren't as simple as you think - she's not learning to disrespect you at her dad's, she probably hates hearing it, she loves you but you've got a new family, so she doesn't know where to turn.

I strongly suspect she wants to live with you but needs to feel you fighting for her.

I'm wondering if you need to adjust your parenting a little as a couple of things you've said are suggestive of how you'd parent a younger child. Your daughter at 10 can take more responsibility than it sounds like you're giving her for clothes, bedroom etc.

Thanks for the replies but I’m closing this thread now, as I’m feeling more anxious now than I was before. I am just so sad and scared, scared of being bullied by pretty much everyone around me in my life apart from my friends and my husband. Scared of not knowing what is to come despite trying my best to make a happy future for me, dd and my husband and baby. I fight for my girl and she sees it, she knows it. I give her all the love and care she could possibly need. But I am just not good enough. That much is clear.

Without the whole context it’s a difficult situation to understand and I should have thought about that before posting I guess.

thank you again

@Stardust127 Please don’t let her go live with her dad as you might not get her back - and you will be blamed.

10 year olds are not the same as they were years ago - they are much more socially aware and forward due to social media use, it’s a very difficult time for them.

I’ve three daughters - all of them at one time driving me round the twist but hang on in there it WILL pass.

She will be craving attention from you. Spend lots of 1-2-1 with her - no baby present. Sit and relax with her in her room, make sure you touch her lovingly several times a day and you will pull her back under your wing. She will still need babying too.

Shelve the clothing issue for now because the threat of going to live with her dad is the most important issue.

BUT OP you do have to look at yourself also, what makes you triggered? How are you dealing with her? Do you explode? How do you react to her when she angers you?

Mums and daughters can spark each other off something rotten but it’s down to you as an adult to not allow it to get to that stage - and sometimes that means looking at your own behaviour also.

But what ever you do - don’t let her move in with him - not even for a break as you will regret it.

I massively feel for you. I’d say that her dad and your family being unkind about you to her must be massively confusing for her. I think you’re getting the fallout because she loves you the most, you’re her safe close person. I get this to some extent with ds. She is probably really nice/well behaved to them as she worries if she’s not then they’ll turn on her. So I wouldn’t let her go and live with him unless you really have to.

I think just calmly hold boundaries eg on the bed. With the clothes, I’m not sure what to suggest - it must be upsetting for her not to be able to take her favourite things. I know my ds likes to take his best clothes when he stays at his dads and I think it makes him feel more at home there. Where do the clothes that go missing end up? My ds just brings all his dirty clothes home with him. Can she not just bring them home and if she doesn’t has the natural consequence of not having her best things at home? Dog hair shouldn’t ruin clothes as can be washed or brushed off?

you could also buy some bits on Vinted so it’s not such a large outlay if things go missing.

I had the issue where my ex's new wife was selling all our children's clothes on vinted so I was continually buying new clothes. There was nothing I could do. Eventually our eldest (who is now 17) saw her vinted account and was really upset. He doesn't like her because of that and other reasons but he tolerates her as his dad's wife. It cost me a lot of money over the years but the more fuss I made about the children's clothes going missing at dad's house the more upset the kids got and it didn't achieve anything.
I would recommend you buy all your dds clothes on vinted so she has trendy clothes she likes but you can get lots and lots of clothes for the same price as a few new ones. Then if they get lost/ stolen at dad's house you haven't lost too much.
Don't even mention the clothes issue to her again as it's not her fault and if she has a second parent that basically takes all the clothes there is very little you can do without upsetting her.
So if you were going to get her an expensive school coat get her 2 cheaper ones from vinted/ tescos instead.

Also my sister was both when I was 10. It was a horrendous time at home (not because of my sister as such but my mum did not cope well.) All I remember at that time was screaming (the baby) and tears (my mum). It completely ruined my relationship with my mum and it never really recovered so I really think you need to try so hard with your daughter at the moment or it will damage your relationship with her long term. She may love the baby but I know it's not a nice position to be in with a new baby in the house when you are 10.

Firstly children aren't grateful for the things we do for them. Children should take their stable parent for granted and know that they will always be there for them.

Your DD shouldn't be taking her iPad with her nor the clothes but you need to find out the root cause of the issue. Her behaviour is a big neon sign that she is not doing well right now.

Does she actually have clothes at dads, does she like them and do they fit?
Does she just want something familiar?
Does she crave control because she is struggling with the changes in her life.
In which case you buy her cheap clothes that she can take back and forth and are 'hers'. Go to Primark (even if you don't shop there normally), and make it a morning just the two of you if possible, your new DH or a grandma can take baby into another shop if you need to be close by, pick up 2 pairs of identical PJs, a few t-shirts, a few leggings and jeans, a hoody or two and underwear and san pro which she may well need sooner than later. Get a new holdall for her too that those things live in and they are 'Dads house' clothes. If you wear perfume or a particular body spray put a small bottle of that in her bag too so she can smell you.

When she comes home you need a transition activity and make sure baby isn't in your arms. I found running a bubble bath regardless of time of day helped DD transition from one house to the other. It was both relaxing but put her in 'home' mode, and then comfy clothes on.

Just wanted to update this. DD came home (from my mom’s , her dad sent her there) she was absolutely fine, very happy and was absolutely furious at her dad for the way he was speaking about me when she was there and begged him to not send all the nasty text messages and told him she wanted to come back home! She said to me that she understood the rule and why it was put in place and that she made the choice (when she chose her clothes over devices). So it was her dad being nasty, manipulative and controlling towards me. He wanted a reason to do that. While I’m relieved that things with dd are absolutely fine, despite a few raging outbursts every now and then usually due to other family members, I’m furious at her dad for thinking he can talk to me like this.

Stardust127- I am a single mum of 2 and I really feel for you and totally relate. My kids are older now(16 year daughter and 18 year son) and co-parenting is not easy especially as you are also constantly trying to shield the kids so it doesn't affect them. I don't have the space to tell you everything here but my son is now at uni. and keeps in touch regularly. Devastatingly my daughter decided to move in with her dad :-( . Anyway to cut a long story short I want to share with you some positives as to me this was what I always dreaded.

It has been many months now since my daughter moved out. I still miss her but I understand and we keep in touch. I have learned a lot in these months-I want to share this to help other parents who go through it too. This is what I learned;

1. Things are never as bad as they seem -you do get used to new situations ,even if they seem dreadful you DO adapt.

2. I have a different relationship with my daughter now and it is great! She talks to me more when she's unhappy at her dad's and I have taken on more of a friendship role rather than that of a mother. She tells me when she's made mistakes at college and I just listen and support her. Before I would ground her or take her phone if she messed up at school but now I leave her dad to deal with discipline and he does a good job.

3. One really important thing I have learned is never ever take to heart anything teens say which may be hurtful. We have all been teens and probably all went through a stage of taking parents for granted and/or wanted to spend time with friends rather than parents-it is normal! Some even say teens are given nasty hormones as it's natures way of encouraging independence away from parents. It is a fact of life that teens can be cruel to parents but I personally think this is harder on single parents!

4. It is vital to give teens space. I know my daughter loves getting post the old fashioned way so I send her occasional gifts which she's made clear that she loves. It is my way of showing her love but expecting nothing in return.

5. Parents must be patient when their teens are distancing themselves. I didn't really (and I mean REALLY!) appreciate my parents fully until I became a mother myself! Then I got it! I am now so close to my parents that I talk to them all the time about everything! Patience is the hardest but most rewarding of all.

FINALLY Stardust127 I want to share with you a saying which has helped me through the very worst times;

THIS TOO SHALL PASS

When you are having a really bad day-remember this......Much Love Jo xx

What happens with the tantrums

Let her go and see her every other weekend. Tell her she can come back when she is ready to live by your rules.