Daughter is angry at me, wants to live with her dad

[Stardust127]

Hi

im in need of some comforting words and reassurance really. And for anyone to share similar experience if they are happy to do so.

just a bit of background: I am married, with a 4 month old. I have a 10 yr old dd from a previous relationship. She still sees her dad numerous times a week. He is a really horrible person, at least to me. Me and my husband spend so much money on her, do nice things for her, holidays etc and love her so much.

DD kept taking clothes I’d bought her to her dad’s house and they’d never come back, or come back ruined or covered in dog hair. She shows no respect for personal belongings here either. So I made a rule she couldn’t take the clothes there, because I keep having to replace them. She tried to run out the door with a bag full of clothes last week (she takes herself to school across the road, he picks her up some days so she takes things to school), so I gave her the choice of having the clothes, or her iPad. She chose the clothes.

I’ve had nothing but nasty, abusive messages from her dad since she got there last Thursday, because I’ve locked her iPad. Trying to control me, tell me what to do, how to parent and basically accusing me of being a terrible parent, simply for disciplining her. She gets away with everything while with him and he’s teaching her it’s okay to disrespect and disobey me. He is always like this, so when she is at home she has huge 3 hour+ long tantrums when she doesn’t get her own way. I’ve been left so stressed and in tears every day because of how nasty he is. She doesn’t want to live here anymore because she gets to do what she wants when she’s with him.

Not to mention that I am also so stressed because she is screaming and thrashing around and I have a small baby to care for.

Let her live with him for a while. He supplies all she needs.

Why is she taking clothes to his in the first place, it's his responsibility to provide her with everything at his house including clothes and an iPad.

Why are you letting a 10 year old and your ex control you?

Block him. All communication through a parenting app only.

Natural consequences surely? 'Oh dear you left your new outfit at dad's and can't wear it, never mind', 'oh that dress you wore to dad's is ruined with dog hair and you can't wear it to Lucy's party, never mind.'

Not sure why you just replace it. She's old enough to take reasonable care of clothes.

Communicate via a parenting app. Block on all other apps. Take control.

So lots going on for your DD. Having mum distracted with a 4 mo old would be tough I'd imagine. She wants time and attention probably more than stuff.
Can you sit down with her and agree some ground rules. She is old enough to have a sensible conversation and also to cope with the fact that each h0use has different rules.

Eg
Mummy doesn't have enough money to keep buying new clothes for you. But I understand you want to take clothes to Daddy's. What do you think you can do to remember to bring them home again?

Mummy and Daddy each have their own house and sometimes we will have different rules. Here's some of the things that are rules in Mummys house eg clear table, tidy toys etc. If you don't do those things then we will take away iPad time (or whatever). Those are mummy's rules. Daddy may have different rules in his house. We have rules because these are things that are important to Mummy.

Finally I'd definitely be looking t0 find time to spend with her 121

I would let her fir a while. She'll soon see who he is and come home. Cut contact with him though, pronto. Let him supply the clothes and ipads for a while. It won't last long.

Does he want her to live with him?

Make it very clear to your daughter that you would much prefer for her to remain living with you, but if she chooses to live with her dad then you will abide by her decision.

As above, get a parenting app and block all other forms of communication from your ex.

There will be a lot of emotion from your daughter wrapped up in the fact that you now have both a new husband and a new baby to love, she will feel very low on your pecking list.

Remind her every time you see her that you love her and wish she lived with you, but otherwise let her go, you may find it enhances your relationship to play the "Disney mum" role for a while and let your ex do the hard work of parenting and have to be bad cop sometimes.

Let her go and live with him for a bit.
She'll soon get sick of it and ask to come home.

Is she getting 1:1 time with you right now? Or is she feeling pushed out. Could her frustration be nothing to do with the clothes and more to do with the fact that her safe home environment has been turned in its head. Nothing has changed at her dads so of course she feels safe there.
Time to hand baby over to stepdad and have a bit of half term mum-daughter time.

A 4 month old new sibling is a huge adjustment and I suspect she is acting out because of that so talk to her with pretty much what @buttonsB4 says

Thank you for all your replies. It has given me comfort in my thoughts that perhaps I should let her live with him for a bit. I should have actually mentioned that I make sure I spend 1 -1 quality time with her. She loves shopping and going to cafes and for lunch so that’s what we do, quite often while my husband looks after the baby. I have explained the rules to her calmly and really tried doing things in a way that would help her understand but it is a push- pull situation as her dad, and my family too actually, are undoing all of that.

It sounds like there is a lot going on here, and a lot of drama.

At 10 I'd give her a clothing allowance and let her manage her wardrobe herself. If she sees her dad multiple times a week she can surely pick clothes up again easily enough.

I wouldn't be encouraging her to live with her dad at the particular point when you have just had a baby. She's probably scared of rejection already.

Re the tantrums - what are they about, in what way is she not getting her own way? I will say 10 is the start of the phase of parenting by negotiation, rules and consequences don't tend to work so well with adolescents.

i do spend a lot of time 1:1 with her , I’ve been particularly aware of doing so since the baby was born, so that she doesn’t feel left out or rejected. I’ve spoken with her about this and it doesn’t seem to be an issue and the way she is with the baby is quite different to how she usually acts, as in she is so sweet with him and loves him so dearly

I really feel for her. She's got the option of Disney dad who's a crap at parenting. Or your DH and small baby. I'd be pretty pissed off if I was her.

I know it's horrible but ignore the message from him to you. He can express what he wants about you - you don't have to engage with them.

I would stop stressing about the clothes and iPad. Just a calm " I think you left it at dad's"

Have some back up unappealing clothes. I agree with PPs that she is probably really unsettled by the new baby.

At the moment you probably need to let go of 9 complaints out of 10. Grey rock your ex. Thumbs up to most of his messages.

@ImNoSuperman & @titchy I’m interested in the parenting apps, can you recommend one please? 🙂

It must be really difficult for your dd in a blended family with a new baby, having to come and go between two houses. It isn't surprising that she's acting up a bit.

I don't really understand your rationale for making her choose between the clothes and the ipad. That seems pretty arbitrary to me - a random punishment that doesn't seem to have any sound reasoning behind it. As a pp has said, it would have been far better to let your dd deal with the natural consequences of not looking after her clothes properly.

What's done is done, now, though, so you need to think about how to move forward. Re moving in with her dad... she might be testing you to see if you actually just want to get rid of her now that the new baby is here, or she might genuinely be so unhappy with the situation at home that she feels she would really be happier at her dad's. I would make it clear to her that you would really like her to stay with you, that she will always be welcome in your home if she changes her mind but that you are willing to respect her feelings either way.

And if she does end up staying with you and/or coming back, maybe rethink your approach to "discipline".

Behaviour is communication op.

Don’t read too much in to the words themselves or in to the screaming and thrashing about!

Look at what it is telling you about your dd’s state of mind.

How did she react when you and her dad split up?

Is she over the divorce?

Did she have any say in your BF moving in?

Does she feel left out, like she has been replaced perhaps?

Is she jealous of the new baby who has their dad at home?

She may still feel this way despite you spending money on her and taking her on trips. That has nothing to do with things really, apart from being fleetingly pleasant!

You sound as though you feel she should be grateful to you. But she may feel like she has little to no say over her own life, and she may be confused by what her dad is saying, if he is using her against you. It can’t be pleasant for her being caught between two opposing stools as it were.

It’s a bit young for her to be going through puberty yet but maybe her hormones are rumbling? In which case she has to reject you and your values to a degree to split herself off from you and become a fully formed adult in her own right. There may be some of that going on too.

I agree with pp that clear communication and one-on-one time with you will be key here. She needs to feel as if you are on the same team. In the end it’s not specific rules that matter so much but the quality of your relationship.

And she may be testing your loyalty by acting out! Will mum still love me if I do this, this and this? Make sure you are clear that you love her as a person but not the specific behaviour. Make sure you pick up on every positive thing she does however small. And tell her constantly that you love her and show her through little gestures.

As is often said on Mumsnet, they need the love the most when they are being very hard to love!

And as pp said, don’t just impose decisions from above. Involve her in the reasons why you are imposing a boundary and explain why you are turning off the WiFi. Ask her what she thinks is a reasonable punishment? Explain your thought processes to her and what you do want her to do! Get her engaged in the process.

Our Family Wizard (£), Taking Parents or App Close are both free (or at least were) They all have pros and cons but essentially messages can't be deleted.

Rather judgy of some PPs saying she's being pushed out by a new baby, but they don't see an issue with a screaming and thrashing 10 year old around a tiny baby.

Tell her you can do it for a trial period, that you are not happy about it because you will miss her and that she can come back home whenever she wants. Grass is generally never greener on the other side. But, arrange regular contact beforehand, and tell her you have to stick to it

Sorry have just read your update op and see that you do spend lots of one on one time with her!

Apologies I was typing too slowly!

Your DD is not your enemy, she is a confused child going through a difficult period of adjustment and also approaching puberty.

Even your 1-1 time with her seems to centre around buying things for her. She doesn't care for her belongings because she knows you will replace them. To you, money is love. To her it is probably something else.

Let her experience natural consequences and gently help her learn to value her possessions.

Ever heard the phrase ‘when someone is at their most unlovable is when they need the most love.’

She sounds like a very unhappy little girl and her Dad’s behaviour is not her responsibility.

this is why I posted on here, to get various insights to this situation so thank you all for your replies. It’s such a difficult situation to be in. She really hates me. My family and her dad treated me so badly, they still do, she knows and sees that yet she seems to side with them and loves them so much.

It’s not so much that I see money as love, it’s just that we are fortunate enough to be financially comfortable. When I ask her what she wants to do together she requests shopping and lunch, so that is what we do. We spend the day chatting and having fun. Then when things don’t go her way, all hell breaks loose. She can’t remember good things when she’s like that, so ‘everything’ all the time is bad in her mind.

the 3+ hour tantrum was before this iPad/clothes situation. She had the tantrum because my mom said she would buy her a new bed when we got her the one she has now less than a year ago, which she begged us for. And I said no. So she had a huge tantrum about that.

I'm wondering if your DH is putting this idea that your DD should be 'grateful' in your head @Stardust127 ?

Providing DC with a safe home environment is expected of parents. I'm also concerned that your DH may have no parenting experience, but see himself as the authority. Is he expecting too much of a 10 yo? Remember he really needs to take the lead from you on your DD.