Bad Parent - I just want to give up

[WinkyWinkola]

I want to send DS to nursery five afternoons a week. He's just 3. He currently goes three afternoons a week. He loves it there.

But he's driving me absolutely mad. I cannot stand the constant shouting and screaming every time I ask him to do something or I say no to something. It's pretty much all day.

DH loves going to work on a Monday morning to get away from it.

He's been difficult since he was about 20 months old. Constant drama, shouting, a fuss about everything from cleaning his teeth to sitting down for supper. I'm tired of the battles. If I don't do anything, then we won't be able to do anything, go anywhere... . .

Yes, he's three. Yes, it's typical of a child. I am past caring. I am just not cut out to be the parent he needs. Right now I don't to see him, touch him or talk to him. I feel pretty desperate and miserable that I'm clearly not doing a good job.

Poor poor me.

I don't want to see him, touch him or talk to him I mean.

Is he old enough to recodnise that he is being disruptive???? if so i woul dtalk to the nursery teachers in frnt of him, like he is part of the conversation and explain that his behaviour at home is upsetting you....they will talk to him for you.

If that fails then you could get in touch with the health visitor and sort out some behavioural pattern

IME DD was a lot worse at three than she was at two

Nothing wrong at all with sending him for five afternoons a week. Make the call today!

You are doing what you can to preserve your sanity and be a good parent.

He may well calm down a little over the months and then you could always cut back to three or four again.

Yes. Poor, poor you. It isn't easy being a parent and there's no shame in admitting you are having a hard time - everyone does from time to time. You are cut out to be his parent, you just need some help and support. You sound really low right now. Got to go take my own little horrors to school now, but I will come back to this to see how you're feeling. Take care.

I also found the age of 3 by far the hardest. If you've got the opportunity to up his nursery hours, I'd go for it. As Bridie said, you can always cut down if he comes out of the phase.

What are you doing all day? Ar eyou generally happy with your life? I think its much easier to cope if you happy in yourself. Perhaps it would be a good idea to go back to work for you?

I've just bumped up DS's nursery sessions to 3 afternoons a week (he just did one before) and we are both happier!
He loves it there and I am more tolerant of his tantrums the rest of the time. We enjoy our full days together much more.

Its a vicious circle, you are feeling unhappy and he can most likely sense that and plays up...which makes you more unhappy!
Break the circle and give yourselves a break from each other and you will start to enjoy each others company again x

3 year olds are hideous. Send him for 5 sessions and see if he improves - ds1 did.

Thank you so much for your kind words. They've really helped a lot to know that I'm not alone. I find it hard to admit I find it all so difficult most days.

I thought I'd get jumped on with, "Well, you got kids. It's your problem." Maybe I am palming the problem off onto nursery. He's a wonderful child there apparently - cooperative and cheerful. My mum spends one day a month with him when I'm at my tutorials and she says he's fine too. It's just me and DH he seems to reserve this behaviour for. Thus it must be us and the way we do things.

I need to talk to DH about the nursery too. He's abroad for ten days.

What do I do all day? Well, I've got another child. I'm also a student, not that I can get much study done. I'm generally a happy person. I think. But maybe DS is picking up on my tension, waiting for him to throw a strop.

I always try to keep in my head, "Is this issue worth saying no over? Is it worth making a big deal over?" to try and keep perspective but for example, when he's hit his sister or taking toys off her or biscuits without permission then I feel I can't just let that sort of thing go unchecked.

Winky - it's a crap age. But he's not stupid - he knows how you feel about him so his behaviour will continue to be loud and attention seeking.

When my DD was this age I'm afraid I just used to force myself to say nice things to her - even though I was fibbing. It helped me through the bad times as hearing something nice about herself did make a difference in the end.

So I suggest you try (but keep the sarcasm out of your voice ) things like saying "aren't I a lucky mummy to have a little boy like you who can...and slot in something appropriate"

Examples are - has lovley blue eyes/smashing curly hair/gives the best hugs in the world/is tall/can kick a ball. Literally anything is better than negativity. And that's for both of you.

And yes - up the nursery if you can afford it and he likes it.

DS1 was an angelic child. Until he was 3.

Thankfully I was working full time so it was my nanny who had to deal with it.

One thing I learnt the hard way was that he needed exercise and to be out of the house. It was no use at all expecting that I could sit down and read the paper/have a cup of coffee - he needed to be entertained and tired out.

A good run around in the park usually helped - even though I hated it.

And, like everything else, it will pass.

WINKY....DS knows he's getting attention even if it is for the wrong reasons, he doesnt care as long as he is getting it, and he knows that the best way to get it at home is to be desruptive.

Do you have one to one time woth him????
i know its hard to find the time, i have 2 kids and am a student but even if its just going shoppong together without anyone else its better than nothing

The exercise thing does help, too. A friend of mine who had two, very difficult, little boys, just kept moving whenever they were home from nursery. Lots of walks and swimming.

The only morning we're not busy is Monday mornings. Otherwise we're out at music or story telling or craft sessions all of which have elements of running about in them. Then nursery 3 x per week. Plus the weekend of visiting friends and haring about with their kids.

Maybe he's too tired?

Music and story telling and craft are not the sort of running about a 3 year old boy needs. they need to be in a very big area, with a ball preferably, and they need to be exercised like dogs and encouraged to shout and stamp and climb.

Fetch is a good game for them. Run them until they are dropping and pink in the cheeks. Music and story telling and craft wouldn't wear me out, never mind my kids!

My theory in cases like this (and I have 2 DS's 5 and nearly 3) is that they are very clever and your DS has figured out how to 'push your buttons' and you rise to the bait and give him exactly the response he is expecting. What you could try is just doing the complete opposite to your normal response e.g., when you might normally raise your voice and tell him no for hitting his sister - just don't say a word pick him up and take him to a different room and leave him there i.e., deprive him of your company. Also the suggestion about overdoing it on the positive reinforcement I think would be a similar tactic. You could try to show him who is boss by changing the game plan.

Being a parent is a lot more cerebral than most people think and you have my full sympathies.

Thanks for all the tips.

He's definitely very tired at the end of each day.

I'll vary my responses to him.

Right now, I pick him up, tell him why he's going to his room, put him in his room, tell him again why he's there and then leave, shutting the door behind me.

He rants and rages then calms down, comes out, says sorry and then we begin all again with the next issue when it comes up. He doesn't understand why I should say no. That's being three, I know.

But I feel a lot better now. It really helps having people making suggestions and sympathising. Thank you.

I agree with SmugColditz-lots of exercise-whatever the weather! Boys are very physical.

Colditz is right on the ball as ever. Love the "exercised like dogs"! (DS is only 10mths and I can see this coming...)

A) You're not a bad parent for sending him to a place where he is happy for a little more time than you were sending him there before. You're not locking him in the cellar to give yourself a break from him, you're putting him in a nursery full of playmates, toys and playleaders
B) I have a 3 year old DS too and never a day goes by without some shouting - but going to a park, any park, for at least half an hour, every day, really helps. 3 is old enough to run and shout and climb for a bit without a constant hand-hold, and if you pick your times for when there might be some other 3 or 4 year olds there your DS will expend his energy happily while you sit on a bench and flick through a magazine.

winky - my advice would be to make sure you spend at 30+ mins every day devoted exclusively to him - cuddle up and read stories, play a game, make some thing, colour pictures together.

Cheap and cheeful quality time like that makes all the difference in my relationship with my lo's

Good luck

PS tell him how much you love him and how special he is every day - say it like you mean it even if you dont feel it

Ahem

Boys need a run, fresh air, each and every day

Positive attention, catch him being good, active ignoring of 'bad' bahaviour - all techniques that will help you.

3 year olds are vile interesting

Good luck

DS was a different child today. It's like he's vented so much spleen in the last week, he had nothing left in him but to be a lovable, chirpy and cooperative child. It was amazing.

And he ran and ran and ran and ran about at Alexandra Palace today. He's fast asleep in bed, worn out like an exhausted puppy.

Thanks again for all your support and tips.

Mine is 3 and he goes five mornings a week. He too loves it and loved playgroup before which he went to 4 mornings a week.

Your home is not a creche / playgroup / nursery so don't be so hard on yourself.

I feel exactly the same way as you do at the moment and am trying to pick myself up after a fortnights holiday of having to keep them both entertained for the whole day.

I justify it to myself for my sanity and it is only 3 hours a day - can you imagine playing constantly with him for 3 SOLID HOURS. That's 3 hours of pure kiddie entertainment when you've got shedloads else to do because you're at home, not a creche.

Do it. Also, all kids play up more when their parents are around.

That's great, WinkyWinkola. Hope the good weather lasts so you can keep him outside.