Raging and don’t know where to direct it

[Itwiznyme]

Hi

long story short. Been married 5 years together 11. Two DDs. One is 7 today the other is 4.

We are now separated, going on two years. I’ve applied for divorce. Initially it was all going ok(ish) and we had 50/50 care responsibilities.

That was until June this year and I told him
clearly the marriage was definitely over and I was putting in our divorce papers. We had still being “trying” and I use that term loosely. But he was just putting in zero effort so I am done.

Anyway, he doesn’t work, lounges about all day playing Xbox and his house is such a huge mess and I’m my opinion not suitable for young children so I’ve stopped him over the year or two having them there until it got cleaned up.

At the end of June his house was quite frankly a fucking disgrace and I told him he needed to sort it as the kids aren’t going there and they had been saying they didn’t like going as it was smelly etc. For a bit of extra info, my 7 year old is very unwell with chronic kidney disease.

He never challenged this and actually told me that if the divorce was in he didn’t want his family anymore. I asked if that meant if he couldn’t have me he didn’t want his kids and his answer was, “I can’t even look after myself” well, he has been true to his word! No calls, texts, attempts to see them. I’ve gone up and banged on the door etc as my smallest one is asking for him. He’s out in the pubs in our local area. Pissed. Drinking fucking grey goose vodka! He’s on UC! He seen me and the children a few days ago and walked right past after telling my 4 year old to go away. I want to smash his face in 🤬

it’s my dd 7the today and I can guarantee she will hear nothing from him. Sorry for this rant. Not sure what I even want from the post think I just needed to get this off my chest. Please be kind as I’m stressed to the max. Sorry this was the shortest version I could do as there is like a million times more information but I would be writing a book

Well he sounds to be in a right state. I don't know him, so was he better in the past or has he always been like this? If the former, he sounds very depressed and upset about the breakup. If the latter, you are obviously better off without him. Either way, I wouldn't be going round and banging on the door. I would send a clear, concise, unemotional letter stating that you won't be contacting him but if he wants to see his kids, he needs to get his act together, clean his house, get a job, pay his share and grow up. It may be that he rises to the challenge, or maybe not but try to focus your energy on yourself and the kids. I know that's hard and I would be seething but it will be better for you to let go and move on.

Hi. Thanks for replying. I have literally begged and pleaded with him over the course of two years to clean his house and get a job if he wants to stay together. It was literally all I asked of him! He’s not worked since we got together, apart from when I was running my own business and he would come and help out. He wanted the role of stay home dad but done nothing really at home. Being fair, he’s not been as bad as he has since we split and I moved out in 2022 but I left due to some of what I have mentioned already plus additional stuff. I just got to the point of exhaustion working 12 hour days and a second job in a pub, my DD being ill and then diagnosed etc. she’s also ASD and ADHD. He was very upset about the spilt but never ever pulled his weight enough to back up what he was saying. I’m just heartbroken for the children I guess. My rage is coming from the fact he can go out drinking expensive vodka and go on 3 day binges snorting god knows what up his nose (recently found this out) but walks past the children 🤬🤬

I understand your rage and you have good reason. I would honestly write him off as a lost cause for now and concentrate on the children and building a life without him. I wouldn't say anything negative to them. They will work it all out themselves soon enough. Hard as it is, let it go and look to the future. He is not worth your time and energy.

Bump

Well no wonder you are raging. I don't blame you.

But, I'm sorry, this man is a lost cause. Maybe he'll clean up his act some time, maybe not. If he won't do it for his children, then I can't see him ever doing it tbh. All you can do now is move on as a single mother to your children and do your best. Put him out of your mind as a possibility for any kind of meaningly contribution or interaction with your children. Think about what you will tell your children - because you are going to have to explain it to them in some way. Other people can probably give you better advice about this.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this situation. Sorry for your kids too. I don't blame you being absolutely furious at him.