Deciding to be ‘one and done’

[Oneanddone24]

I wondered for those of who you are ‘one and done’, particularly if by choice (I know the situation isn’t always a choice), how did you realise that was the case? Looking for positive stories, not comments about it being ‘a shame’ etc!

My DS is 11 months old and whilst I always envisioned having 2 children (I’m very close with my sister), we unfortunately had a very traumatic pregnancy, DS life was in jeopardy, he spent a period in NICU, I just don’t feel I could go through it again. We were lucky to conceive quickly (I know it may not be the case again) but the pregnancy has just made me realise just how much can go wrong and how much of a ‘roll of the dice’ each pregnancy is. DS is healthy and thriving and I am so grateful for him. I just don’t think I can do it again and risk something even worse happening (without going into detail we had a very rare and life threatening situation, weekly scans at specialist centre etc)

of course there’s also the finances, career etc aspect that I know is easier with one child.

Most of my friends have got to this sort of age and are already talking about or actively planning for baby number 2 but I feel the older DS has got, the more another pregnancy and the risks of that fills me with dread and anxiety. But, I can’t help feeling some guilt.

Anyone else? I am 35, for context, so don’t have endless time.

A lot of mums local to me have one the same age as us (4 years old) & a toddler. We didn’t want another child. Just one.

Like others, we had a miscarriage. Then a last minute pregnancy, a great surprise. My pregnancy was fine but EMCS, and the risks were made clear to me. I was 44.

So, we might have had two. But we don’t. A friend once said she’d almost have a miscarriage, just to get it over with as “everyone seems to have had one”. She has two children…

Similar to the pp above. I always wanted lots of children. Dd we had a risky pregnancy and traumatic premature birth and nicu stay. I buried my head as to the risks I was convinced lightening wouldn’t strike twice, that I was so much more knowledgeable etc etc. ds was an even more risky pregnancy, very premature and continues to have multiple health problems that have a huge impact on the family financially and emotionally. Of course we love him to pieces but we won’t be going for a third, it would be far too risky and cause so much stress for the family.

No advice but solidarity - I'm in a similar boat. Pregnancy was ok but crash C-section, prolonged hospital stay for us both where I slept maybe 5 hours in 7 days, a terrible sleeper (hourly wakes until 11 months) leading to pnd (though I didn't recognise this at the time). He's 2 now and I sometimes get a feeling that there might be hope at the end of the tunnel. All of that makes me feel like I just can't risk a second, as he won't remember the way I felt when I was small but he'd witness it first hand if it happened with a second child. I also don't know that our marriage would survive another - I don't think we'd split but I think it'd be damaged by my emotional dependency on my husband being so intense again, but with an extra kid in the mix.

I always wanted 2, and I'm close with my own sibling. I feel a lot of guilt that it's my "failure" at "coping" that means he won't have a sibling, but I'm too frightened to push through the fear and have another. I worry I'll regret it once he's primary and older, and we are further out of the trenches of physical parenthood - but I'm late 30s so it would need to be in the next 2 years if it's going to happen. Sometimes we get dealt a poor hand, and all we can do it make a new choice with the information we have at the time.

I'm one and done by choice, I'm in my 20s, and DS is nearly 1 Yr. I didn't have a difficult birth or particularly bad pregnancy, I just don't want another child.

No one will ever convince me to, I was an only child and when I put it into words I can only describe my feelings that I will never be able to love anyone as much as I love DS. It wouldn't be fair for him to be second to another child, either.

My DH had 3 siblings. He was the oldest, and his mother expected him to raise them (although she was a feckless alcoholic). He is completely on board with only one child.

We’ve decided we are one and done. Always said we would of had 2 children but after a miscarriage in our first pregnancy then a bit of a traumatic time in labour and not a great c section we decided at probably 6 months after birth we didn’t want to go through it again. Our son is 3 now and would love him to have a sibling for when he’s older but it’s just not something we can ever see us doing. Our son needs a lot of our time and attention (possible he may have autism or something along the same line) we decided concentrating on one child and putting everything into him is what’s best for us. Also we both suffered with our mental health after our son was born so it’s too much of a risk for us to do it again. We also know it can be easier the second time round as a lot of our friends have said in their experiences. We both feel happy with our decision

I have pondered another but I honestly cannot be arsed.

My DH is 10 years older than me and he was 44 when DD was born. He told me at 46 that was too knackered and couldn't cope with doing it all over again.

I had thought I would have 2 children so it took me a few months to get the idea into my head of sticking with 1. It was the right decision for us though as we love our little family and can afford to do nice things together.

Thanks so much for the supportive and helpful responses (apart from the one unhelpful one that pps have thankfully called out!)

I suppose I can’t shake the feeling that we are so so lucky that DS is so contented and healthy, and honestly the idea that something terrible could go wrong in a subsequent pregnancy, either to me, and DS loses his Mum, or the baby (I.e loss or disability), is just too much for me to think about risking.

I know we will give DS a great life with many opportunities and I suppose my main fears haven’t even factored in how exhausting it would be just having 2 kids. The idea of juggling my time between DS and then another baby feels crazy.

It’s really good to hear positive stories, so thank you, and selfishly I hope it becomes more common!

I have 2 DCs (always planned on 2) but I, myself, am an only child and I absolutely loved it. I never wanted a sibling and was perfectly happy growing up, and still am, without a sibling. Had we only had 1 child I'd have been perfectly fine with this too. Honestly, don't feel bad on having just 1 child, I'm so glad my parents decided on only having the one.

Nix99, my mum is an only child, and my sister just has one as well. And BIL’s sisters all have one each as well. All happy!

I am with you. Had ds at 28. He was planned, but I knew when I was pregnant that I couldn't do it again. My decision was reaffirmed by an awful labour, birth, nicu stay, and post natal depression. He is nearly 12 now. It was the right decision. Many do not approve of my choice, but it's my life and body.

It is already so much more common than it was OP!

This is such a poor take. Families with one child are incomplete. Only children are deprived of a sibling. Children with more than one child are better???Still surprises me people have these views

I had a lovely pregnancy and always thought we’d have two. But the birth bit was awful and DD ended up in NICU for 3 weeks and I had PND for a year. I just knew I couldn’t risk going through it all over again. Everyone said I’d change my mind, but I never did feel broody for a second one - just eternally grateful that DD was ok.

She’s 10 now, and no regrets. She’s never asked for a sibling - content and healthy. It’s been the right decision for us.