Deciding to be ‘one and done’

[Oneanddone24]

I wondered for those of who you are ‘one and done’, particularly if by choice (I know the situation isn’t always a choice), how did you realise that was the case? Looking for positive stories, not comments about it being ‘a shame’ etc!

My DS is 11 months old and whilst I always envisioned having 2 children (I’m very close with my sister), we unfortunately had a very traumatic pregnancy, DS life was in jeopardy, he spent a period in NICU, I just don’t feel I could go through it again. We were lucky to conceive quickly (I know it may not be the case again) but the pregnancy has just made me realise just how much can go wrong and how much of a ‘roll of the dice’ each pregnancy is. DS is healthy and thriving and I am so grateful for him. I just don’t think I can do it again and risk something even worse happening (without going into detail we had a very rare and life threatening situation, weekly scans at specialist centre etc)

of course there’s also the finances, career etc aspect that I know is easier with one child.

Most of my friends have got to this sort of age and are already talking about or actively planning for baby number 2 but I feel the older DS has got, the more another pregnancy and the risks of that fills me with dread and anxiety. But, I can’t help feeling some guilt.

Anyone else? I am 35, for context, so don’t have endless time.

I had my little one at 36 and knew that I was only having one. And I didn't even have a traumatic birth or beginning like you so I completely understand why you don't want to risk it again. I just knew that I didn't want any more than one and the first 2 years has not changed that in the slightest 😅 don't feel bad for feeling this way, you need to be happy with it and the way I see it is that my little one gets everything, time, money, attention etc to himself rather than having to split it. No advice just solidarity

Similar to you but DS is 8. It’s not “by choice” in the sense that I would have liked another, however with a life threatening complication (for us both) it seems a step too far to risk doing it again. It’s ok to make that call - not everyone with one kid has to go that route because of a “one and done” feeling or inability to have more. Of course I feel conflicted sometimes but that’s life I suppose.

On the plus side, he is (mostly) very happy, we have a brilliant close relationship, lots of time for him, and he has some great mates who are also single kids! Hope that helps?

I assumed I would have 2. I enjoyed pregnancy so much.
But firstly I had a terrible birth and straight away thought, that won’t be happening again! And then honestly, as much as I love her….. I just don’t enjoy parenting so I’ve never really considered it.

I miscarried planned DC2. We decided to quit whilst we were ahead so to speak. I was 36.

Our cleaner and her DH were similar to you. Their DD was premature and they decided they couldn’t go through the potential trauma again.

None of us regret our decisions.

It's much more common these days OP. You feel guilty because in our generation it was fairly unusual so we felt sorry for children without siblings, but it won't be like that at all for your DC.

Honestly I just didn't want another child. I had an ok pregnancy and straightforward birth and I was plenty young enough to have more children so it wasn't an age thing but I genuinely only wanted one.

Pre pregnancy I would probably have said I wanted 2-3 but once I'd actually been through it my mindset sort of shifted.

Ds was a terrible sleeper and a very high needs baby which probably cemented my thoughts on the matter but I didn't know any of that before I'd already decided. He's happy, our house is quite calm, I enjoy each stage but I don't feel any sadness of never repeating it or about him not having any siblings.

• I'm an only child myself, so that's my norm and I had a lovely childhood
• I had a rough pregnancy and have no desire to do it again
• I find parenting really hard, crave time alone, and don't feel I would be a good mum of two
• Bickering/fighting children make me want to scream and run away

Also I've just never felt broody again. I was desperate for a child before had mine, but that never came back. I think I always knew I'd just have one. I do occasionally think it would be nice for him to have a sibling, but I make sure he gets out and about and sees other children regularly outside of school We have a lot of friends with similar age children who we see often and he counts as friends.

Similar to others we had a very traumatic birth with a long NICU stay and I was fairly sure I was one and done but I said if DH wanted to go again I would. We’ve checked in with each other over the years but neither of us has ever felt strongly that we should have another so we haven’t. It was really important to me that any subsequent child should be as wanted as the first one and that feeling has never hit again. DD is 9 now and no regrets!

I feel the same way as you. I'm also 35 and went through a terrible miscarriage followed by a traumatic birth. I was very unwell afterward, and it’s taken me seven months to start feeling somewhat normal again. I would like to have another child, but not for a few years, but I’m aware that time isn’t limitless. I try to remind myself that if I’m not ready now, it wouldn’t be fair to my son or a future baby. If time eventually runs out, then that’s just how it is, but I’d rather be fully mentally prepared before considering it. Still, even saying this, I feel guilty towards my husband and my son. It’s so difficult, I know it's more common now to leave 4-5 years between children but I don't feel like I have that luxury either!

I had severe PND after my daughter and I knew I couldn’t go through that again. My daughter is 7 now and I absolutely love having just 1. I see how hard it is for some parents of 2,3 plus and I am greatfull how easy I have it in terms of behaviour, finances etc. I am 39 now so wouldn’t dream of having more anyway I feel. This is the right thing for me. Not everyone agrees with me not giving my child a sibling but she is happy, socialable etc so I don’t have any regrets for what is essentially putting my happiness first.

I always assumed I'd have more children, but the timing never felt right (I had DD at 19). As time went on, I realized it wasn't about the timing - I just didn't want another, and neither did DH. DD also does not want a sibling and never has done, she likes being a "triangle family" (in her words).

When I was told not to get pregnant because of a medication I'll be taking for the rest of my life, it actually felt like a relief. It was an end to any kind of guilt or shame and an instant response to people saying "you should have another".

DD is now 10 and you could offer me all the money in the world and I wouldn't have another one. If people ever ask me why we're one and done I say "we got it right the first time, no need to keep trying" 😅

I was in your shoes at 36. DS1 birth and PND was so awful . We decided just to have 1 . Then I accidentally got pregnant. DC2 was a planned section as I couldn’t go through that experience again.

Despite more PND it is STILL the best thing that ever happened to us. I see the value in 2 kids who play together and love each other to bits . It has completed our family. We realised that it would have been the wrong thing to stick at one as we would have deprived DC1 from a lot of sibling fun and love.

Good luck with your decision

We went into this planning to be one and done, but changed our minds when DD1 got to around 2 (it's a very cute age, I blame the cuteness!). Anyway I'm glad we did have DD2 but we have several friends who have one child and won't be having more and their children are loved, cared for and happy.

Children are individuals. Some like being alone, others are very social, some siblings get on, others don't. So you can't make decisions based on some ideal of what a sibling relationship could look like. Our DC adore each other, but we know some families where the kids are constantly at each others' throats as it's a personality clash.

I was an only and don't feel deprived. In fact I was given a lot of opportunities than wouldn't have been possible with a sibling. I never asked for one as a child and I remember coming back from friends' homes and saying to my mum 'I'm so glad I don't have a little brother!' I'm an introvert and liked being on my own, still do!

That's a VERY insensitive thing to post don't you think? You just completely ignored the OPs request for positive stories and no comments about it being a shame they have no siblings etc and decided to use evocative language such as complete out family, best thing, deprived and wrong thing.

I mean seriously can you not see how bloody unhelpful and unnecessary your comment is?

I only planned on having one because I knew I couldn't cope with parenting siblings. I'm also not a natural mother and have never felt broody. Having a child was a pragmatic decision for me.

After a traumatic birth, severe PND and a very unsettled newborn, DH had the snip when the baby was 5 months old. We were absolutely certain that neither of us could go through that again and we've never regretted that decision, not once.

Life with one child is still (for me) relatively calm and balanced. We can both maintain our careers and hobbies, and our child has plenty of attention from both of us. She's very social and enjoys time with friends and cousins. I wouldn't want our lives to be any different.

This is the sort of poster who would post on a thread about infertility how they're so grateful to have their own little family and how terrible it must be to never experience that, under the guise of being sympathetic. Smug, smug, smug.

Instead you've deprived DC1 of your attention and time by having a second child?

I'm being sarcastic, of course, but hopefully you can see why turning up on this thread and talking about "depriving" children is a dick move?

We were toying with the idea of having a second when DD was 2, then realised everything was getting so much easier. We didn't want to go back to nappies and pushchairs etc. I've never wanted to go back because the older she's got, the better it's been.

We've never regretted being a team of 3. I was one of two children and it used to feel as though we were one team and my parents another. It's not like that with my DD.

We've taken her on amazing holidays, she's now at university in London, something we couldn't necessarily afford for 2 children.

She's everything we needed. I worried if we had another, what if it came along and spoiled when we had. I've had friends whose second child was a nightmare!

Good luck OP

I had my DS at 35, a bit of a traumatic birth and couldn't even contemplates a second. Thought I was pregnant when he was about 3 and had absolute hysterics. I wasn't but it did serve to confirm that one was enough!

My DS is now 20. I have never regretted stopping at one. We have a fabulous close relationship as a family of 3.

I would not change it for the world.

Lovely pregnancy, shocking birth. Either DC2 would be born via DH, or we'd get a dog. Obviously we got a dog.

DS is now 13, has never asked for a sibling, I'd never have had the patience for sibling infighting, motherhood has been interesting, but I'm honestly not cut out for it.

He's got great friends, a great social life with kids with siblings, as well as solo children like himself. We're mindful that he isn't growing up spoilt, he does hear the word no. Life has a nice balance for all of us. Zero regrets.

I’m not sure my post will be welcome here as I have 2 children. I also had a very traumatic first birth, thought the bad luck couldn’t possibly continue to the 2nd time but then had another horrendous birth with totally unrelated complications. My pelvic floor is now completely decimated, far worse for having 2.

I absolutely love both my children, but the reason I’m posting is that all morning I’ve been thinking about how much easier life would be with one. I’m sure siblings do gain something from each other(but actually my brother and I have always hated each other and been nothing but detrimental) but I definitely could do so much more with one child in terms of support, attention. Honestly, one is so so so much easier and you can give them so much more.

To clarify, we could afford private schooling if we had 1, not 2.

dragging the youngest along to swimming lessons /clubs etc is such a pain, and I often don’t do things as I just can’t cope with 2. The idea of taking them both to swimming next week fills me with dread as the youngest will be trying to run off or rolling around on the wet changing room floor whilst my eldest needs assistance to shower/ dress. One is a breeze.

I don’t take them to cafes etc as I just can’t cope with them both as one is always kicking off. With one you can just attend to their needs, distract them, 2 just fight each other for attention. I can’t easily go to the loo and balance a 2 yo on my knee and stop my 4 yo kicking off as she’s terrified of hand dryers.

it’s these things no one tells you about.

I've got 2 but a relation has one. Like you she had a traumatic birth - I don't know the details but think she was the one that nearly died (possibly the baby as well?). I think she was mid/late 30s. She and her DH were both 100% together on the decision and AFAIK don't regret it. Their child is now early teens and they are (much as any outsiders can know etc) are a lovely happy stable family unit. Child is very pleasant, sociable, has plenty of friends, quite grown up for her age (possibly due to having more adult company) but not in a bratty kind of way at all, is very nice to talk to. Does loads of sport with both her parents (sporty family) and obviously quicker able to go and do the outdoorsy stuff and climb steep hills and whatnot with her parents without being encumbered by a child 3 years younger the whole time as you always have to go at the pace of the slowest. The family are quite eco (I suspect possibly another factor in their decision to only have one though too polite to say this to extended family as other relations have >1) and child similarly turning out environmentally conscious (as are my 2, just as an illustration that an only isn't any more likely to turn into a selfish pampered "I'm king of the world because mummy and daddy said so" type) and mindful of other people.

I'm an old lady now (by your standards OP) but I only had one child. Before I had him I'd always envisaged having 2 children. Then the reality hit of child rearing, juggling work, trying to still maintain some kind of social life, affording holidays, presents etc etc (the list is endless). So I decided that I could offer my son a better life and more attention if he was an "only". I also think it makes life generally less complicated. There were times, very rarely, that I wished he had a sibling but this was really motivated more by self interest to stop him from being bored. I know so many siblings who fight like cat and dog and don't speak to each other in adulthood that there's no guarantee they'll keep each other company or even be friends. I have no regrets and neither does my son. I also think he has grown up being more comfortable around adults and his conversational skills were very good from a young age.

I always thought if I had kids, I'd just have one. Never been particularly broody and im not really a children person. So I had one and I'm done! My DH wanted another and I gave it a lot of thought, but there were multiple reasons for me to stick with one. Didn't want to be pregnant again, didn't want to go through childbirth and recovery again. And as DD has grown I've found myself enjoying her much more and really don't want to go back to newborn baby stage, nappies, weaning, naps etc....I feel very happy to have only one!