Feeling alone.

[CJ98]

I’m a first time mum to a 13 week old baby and over the last week or so I’ve been feeling extremely alone.
My partners shifts at work were changed a few weeks ago so that 1. We spent more time as a family & 2. He was here to do the evening/morning routine & just help a lot more, recently his shifts have been changed meaning he’s spending all morning in bed & then he’s out of the door at 2pm and doesn’t arrive back home until 1am - he basically works 3-midnight but it takes him an hour to get too and from work..
With him spending all morning in bed (due to obviously getting in late) the housework, the shopping and obviously dealing with our child is always left up to me. I’ve asked him to wake up at a “reasonable time” (around 9/10am) so that I can either can get a couple of hours sleep or atleast some help with our daughter and he either doesn’t get up or he does and he’s falling asleep on the sofa within an hour of getting up. I’m not asking him to quit his job or anything like that it was just easier when he was around to help out a little more rather than me doing everything on my own.
I’m absolutely exhausted, I’m feeling detached from my child because I’m so tired of doing everything that when it comes to dealing with her im getting stressed and annoyed over the smallest of things. I’ve had 5 hours sleep for the last three days whilst my partner has been having close to 10 hours. I’ve had our child for 14 hours each day on my own. I don’t want to leave my house because I’m so tired, my partners mum has accused me of not being able to cope on my own which has sent me on a downward spiral of not wanting to go to family or friends houses because I don’t want them to think I’m struggling when they offer to feed or change the baby. Or if I do go to my mums I feel like the only relief I get is when others are dealing with our baby (I’m not sure if that makes sense)
I know I’m not depressed (I’ve been to the doctors and spoke to them) they’ve simply put it down to being exhausted and run down due to the fact I’m basically doing everything on my own. When I speak to my partner he makes me feel like I’m causing an argument just for asking for a bit more help, and basically tells me it’s not his fault his shifts were changed.
I know I’m doing a good job at doing everything as everytime I’ve been to see the health visitor, doctors or even the nurses for her annual vaccinations they have said our daughter is above average in everything (although she’s only 13 weeks old she’s taller than most babies, heavier than most babies - but not over weight & her development at the moment is further along than a normal 13 week old baby). They have no concerns and they can see our baby is clearly happy, clean and fed well. Everyone who has come to see us has praised me for how well of a job I’ve done so I know I’m not struggling with being a mum.
I don’t even know if I’m looking for advice or if I’ve just written this to rant or for someone to just tell me I’m doing a good job.

YOUR DOING AMAZING! raising children and looking after small babies is not for the weak and for you to be doing this yourself for 14 hours a day is incredible.

your right to have a chat with your partner about waking up earlier - if hes getting to sleep for even 2 oclock, 6/7 hours sleep ( waking at 8/9 ) is more than enough time to sleep for him when he has a new born baby, and he should take over for a few hours to give you a break in the morning- you shouldnt be the only one suffering from no sleep - you should even out the playing field!, you may no physically leave the house to go to work but you have the hardest job of them all! Sounds like he needs to pull his finger out!

Aw sweeetheart you are doing so well. Absolutely ignore your DP’s mum, she should be ashamed of her son for being so useless. He should absolutely have the baby for a couple of hours a day so you can rest. Can you be very clear -“ I want you to have baby from 11-12 tomorrow, please be ready by 11”. Then repeat repeat. Please don’t isolate yourself in the house, go and see people and ask them for help - please could you hold x for 2 hours, I am so exhausted. Every parent has been there. Accept any help you are offered. This is part of being a good mum, keeping yourself well. No one should have to cope with a tiny baby completely alone. Keep asking your dp and pointing out to him what he should be doing. You can make long term decisions later if he doesn’t improve.
Try to do things you enjoy with your baby coming along, that will improve your bond if you spend some enjoyable time together.
The sleep will get better as well. Good luck

Does your husband have a dangerous job e.g uses a chainsaw or drives a lorry etc? If he does I totally understand he needs a decent sleep to be able to continue working but 8 hours straight is plenty.

What about his days off? Are you doing 50/50 at the weekend so you get a decent sleep?

Is your MIL being mean or just acknowledging you're exhausted?

His job isn’t necessarily dangerous but part of his job (not always) is using a forklift truck and he also rides a motorbike too and from work so I understand getting a good night sleep but I feel like there’s having a good night sleep and then there’s taking advantage of the fact I’m around and sometimes he does that.
When it’s his days off I try and get him to do more but it just causes an argument because whenever i mention about how much I do when he’s at work he basically throws back in my face that he’s working and if I want to go back to work then I can do but there’d be nobody to have our daughter. He only gets two days off a week and most of the time it’s me doing everything on his days off just so it doesn’t cause an argument.
His mother isn’t necessarily being mean she’s just someone who likes to have an opinion about evening that we (or I) seem to do. Shes the kind of MIL who invites us to her house and then makes us get our own way home, she doesn’t come to see us but then complains she never sees our daughter. We feel like we don’t get a break from her and her opinions, some would say she’s being reasonable but she makes both myself and my partner feel like we do a rubbish job all the time.

He definitely needs to step up at weekends and once you're both home in the evening. If talking to him isn't working could you maybe move out for a few days and stay with your Mum to get a rest and hopefully give him a fright?