Married SAHM

[Fifiona291]

My son is 1 year old and I'm currently a SAHM. My husband pays all the bills and works very hard. I put all the groceries, kids stuff , my spending on my credit card and he says he will pay it. Some months he doesn't pay on time. When I ask him if there's a problem, he says no he's just waiting for money to come in (self employed) but it can be frustrating my end because I feel I don't have any cash, everything is on credit. Any tips? I have asked him if financially he needs me to go back to work and he says no, but if I want to I can. I have another child (6) for reference.

You need to be given a set amount of money each month in advance to pay for everything you need to buy. You can’t be expected to carry on using a credit card if he can’t be trusted to pay it off on time. It’s a waste of money paying interest. Work out what you spend each month on everything then ask that that much be paid into your bank account. Don’t use your credit card at all. It’s hard working with a limited budget but thousands of women used to do it all the time

If you don’t have full access to accounts and no real visibility of your families financial situation I think you should be going back to work. It’s important to have access to money - not just a credit card.

Paying the credit card of late is a red flag to me

Go back to work and protect yourself in future by having a career

This is why I think married couples, especially those where one is a SAHP, really need to have a shared bank account. Why should you have to faff about with credit cards to pay for basic necessities? When it really comes down to it, if you got divorced you would split all money anyway, so why does he feel entitled to it all now?

If it's the case that you two literally don't have the money to pay for necessities from month to month without running into issues then I do think you should go back to work.

To add we have a shared account for mortgage, bills etc but salaries were always paid into our own separate accounts

If it carries on I would be looking at going back to work.

So he has all the income and you have all the debt? Nah, that doesn't work. I would suggest getting a job, getting a monthly budget upfront, or having the credit card in his name.

I'm a sahm and we just have a credit card in DH's name and I am a named cardholder on it. There's a direct debit for the full balance so it gets cleared each month. It's no more faff than using a debit card. If your DH has issues with cashflow then he needs to build up savings to cover enough monthly expenses. And yes, if you can't afford to do that then you'll need to return to work.

We each also have money paid from the account that his salary goes into, into separate personal accounts so I can spend from that for direct debits etc, although I usually prefer to use the credit card for points.

The other way round surely.

Sit down and have a serious talk before you make any life changing decisions, if you need to pay for child care gong back to work may not solve much (if anything).

Why don't you work and contribute?

Just keep it simple and both get paid into the joint account. Why overcomplicate things. It’s shared money, you’re a team. Either you have full access to everything, or go back to work and keep your own money. If he keeps his own money, you keep your own money. But that’s not very partnership-y.

Your dh sounds nice enough - why not explore the pros and cons of your return to paid work (as opposed to the unpaid work of full time motherhood ).

In this situation I’d be back to work like a shot, assuming you can a) find a nursery or childminder and b) earn enough to leave a surplus after the cost of nursery, after school clubs and holiday clubs.

What you seem to be implying is that you are, as a family, dependent on credit to get from week to week, month to month. No savings at all? I would feel nervous in this situation. If you could earn enough to build a savings buffer, you could use this to dip in to when the credit card bill is due, then top back up the savings when your dh gets his invoices paid.

Credit cards are so expensive. I put mine on a direct debit so I can’t leave the debt piling up there. It’s a great strategy but only works cos I have a savings fund to cushion the bigger bills (Christmas, vacation etc). Then I have to juggle and manage to ensure that I keep that savings buffer topped up again .

The best way of solving all this is a bigger household income.

Do you get the child benefit money?

This. Don’t reduce yourself to having a man give you pocket money like a child.

Start thinking about going back to work if you haven’t done so already

She is contributing. She's doing all the childcare and presumably all the household labour and life admin. If she goes back to work that will cost a small fortune in childcare costs. It's not like she's at home chilling. She has a 1 year old. The price of a full-time nursery place for children under two in inner London is £428.26 a week.

Sorry I thought I read her child was aged 6.

I'd go back to work rather than rely on a man who is hit and miss with money. It must have wrecked your credit rating already.

All money should go into the shared account as family finances. If he isn't willing to do that, you need to go back to work.

As you're no longer getting a salary you should be paying bills it out of joint account. I'm currently on unpaid mat leave, find it hard not to be earning my own money. Husband is very good and we pay everything out of joint account. He is also self employed so I know it can be tight waiting for payments. We put all our monthly expenses into a saving account off our joint account so it's there for when mortgage bills etc need to be paid and then the rest we use for day to day spends. I find it hard when I want something frivolous as money is obviously tighter without me earning. My husband knows this now and sends me money to my own account each week just so I have money that I can spend without thinking or feeling like it's 'family money' not my money.

Agree but there are funded hours as long as she works enough, and if she works in London her salary should be somewhat weighted to reflect COL.

The unpaid work in the home is of course a big contribution and I agree it’s not always easy to find work that fits around kids, but it’s got to be worth trying hasnt it, if they are living off credit cards?

Might be funded hours but are there places? 🤷

We aren't entitled to child benefit money. I have considered going back to work but husband often works overseas so finding something around the kids would be more difficult (not impossible) when he isn't around.

Luckily I don't spend crazily and he doesn't query my spending really so I don't have a budget in that sense but I am just conscious

I think the lack of financial transparency is a concern. You ought to know your current joint finances in order to be able to long term plan, for things like saving and for pensions for you both. Also, if you aren't working you should be claiming child benefit and he should be paying the High Income Child Benefit Charge in order for you to get National Insurance Credits to go towards your state pension.

Using credit is also a bit mad. If he wants to keep his income paid into his own account, then he should set up a monthly transfer of an agreed amount into the joint account to cover all aspects of family costs, not just mortgage and bills. Work out a monthly budget that includes typical grocery costs, items for the baby, an amount to cover your necessary spends and so on. That's what should be paid into the joint account each month.

Agree. I’m a SAHM and have access to all of our money (and manage most of it too). I spend freely, including food, cleaning products, baby products but also clothes, haircuts, lunches out, girls holidays, home improvements etc etc. I have a private pension that we contribute to regularly. There is no separate money and no scrutiny. Sometimes I thank my husband for allowing me to stay home with the baby and sometimes he thanks me for facilitating him to progress in a career he loves without having to worry about childcare. Life is good but I’m still very aware of my financial vulnerabilities and the ‘what if’ scenarios. I absolutely wouldn’t be comfortable in your situation.