Advice needed! Very difficult behaviour from an extremely defiant 4 year old.

[GMG89]

To set the scene a little, I am a single parent and I work full time. My children’s father lives at the other end of the country. We fled emotional abusive/coercive control. My daughters are 2 and 4. We left for the support of my family who live very near us.

My 4 year olds behaviour is out of control - she shouts NO most times I ask a simple task of her (IE put your shoes on). She can be hyper and just uncontrollable basically. She’s very defiant.

I do discipline her and she has boundaries (we use time outs and losing rights to TV time for example). I know she has undergone a lot of change recently and try to be understanding that that may be impacting her behaviour - but she has always been ‘hard work’ so to speak.

They fight constantly- I can’t turn my back for a minute to go to the loo without one of them screaming because one has hit or scratched the other.

I’m just at the end of my tether!! I do sometimes lose my temper and shout (please no judgement - I try so hard but I’m run ragged!!)

I feel like I can’t go out and do fun things with them because they’re so difficult together.

Sometimes my eldest can be an angel - there are glimmers of hope but the majority of the time I’m refereeing fighting or dealing with bad behaviour/not doing as asked etc. it’s exhausting!

what am I doing wrong?

I love them both very much and just want to enjoy my time with them.

thank uou.

When did their lives change OP? If very recent then give it time. I know exactly what it is like and it's very hard, especially as both your children are so young. The only thing that works with my kids when they get like this is separating them. You say you moved for family, can anyone have each child for a couple of hours? To give you quality time with the remaining child?

I also find that getting Playdoh out helps to calm things down too.

They will also 100% be feeding off you too. No judgment from me about the shouting - you are human. But you are making life harder. I've been there, I know!!

She is the victim of abuse, things are going to be difficult for her. Have you asked your HV for support? There will be domestic abuse and parenting organisations which can help.

@ItsAllHandsOn The start of the summer. So recently. I know it’s been really tough on them and although deep down I know it was the right thing I still feel guilty for upsetting their lives. I know you’re right too about them feeding fro me, it’s so difficult isn’t it and I try so hard to keep my cool. When you’re under so much stress (and I’m not proud of it) but sometimes you just snap and shout and then feel terrible about it afterwards.
My parents help a lot, I work full time in a demanding job and they already do so much for us all!

No advice but just saying you've done a really admirable thing getting yourself and your kids away from an abusive environment. Forgive yourself for the slip ups. You're probably not doing anything wrong, just that life is hard with small kids even without extra stress.

Maybe try positive rewards for when they manage good behaviour, like not shouting or acting out for however much time?

@PullTheBricksDown thank you. I appreciate that a lot. That’s a great idea i’ll look into sticker charts and things xx

Is your 4yo at school? If she is, I would consider talking to the school SENCO. Even if she isn't showing this behaviour at school, they may be able to offer some support or advice.

You can reframe your words,say 'i wonder where the shoes are' or 'i wonder which does we need today' instead of 'shoes on please',minimise demands in their lives or give them choices.id cut out time out completely and do time in,if fighting say 'ok,seems like you can't play together today,let's keep you close with me,come sit next to me while I cook tea and when you are calmer you can play again.
',a reframe of it all to bring them in.you can do second chances,so if someone makes a mistake pull them up on it and say,try that again properly...eg they shout ' I want a drink ' you say 'try that again!' in a playful way,they get it.all these have been huge help with my 4 year old.i have phrases up inside the kitchen cupboard to help me remember when stressed.playful and strong boundaries are the key.have a list of family rules on the wall they can see and you can show them,like your key rules no hitting etc.play peaceful music in the background.i would think about sticking to key rules and cutting your expectations of behaviour perhaps,or redirecting it.go to park after school to run it off.just some ideas that have worked for me,it's defo hard work your doing amazing with 2 littlies!

Yes our school did us a referral to early help hub,very easy and really helpful,well worth talking to senco or requesting some support.

Well done on getting out of your toxic relationship, that will have been tough in all of you and your daughter's will have had a lot of disruption to attend to. I would speak to the school for support.

I would also consider reducing your hours at work if you can, ideally to 24 hours if not 30. Is this possible?

I note that you use time out as a punishment, I did the same but stopped when I realised it was acting as a reward and didn't stop the behaviour. I found my kids loved the time we spent discussing how we could have done things differently, it was a guaranteed 2 - 3 mins of how to get my attention after timeout was finished 🤔

Would it help to recognise that 2 and 4 is a tricky period and things will get easier as they get older? I wonder if you are expecting a bit too much, eg when you say "I just want to enjoy my time with them". I think that to be honest most people who are looking after two small children with no breaks would find it tiring and stressful and not particularly enjoyable a lot of the time. When mine were that age I found it helpful to remember that a lot of it was normal toddler behaviour and not something I was doing "wrong".

How's their sleep?

Whenever my four year old was like that I'd just think 'early bed'