Can’t cope with my 2 kids on my own

[Fupoffyagrasshole]

I have a very boisterous 3.5 year old she’s actually crazy 🤪 I absolutely love her we have lots of fun playing together when it’s just me and her - days out etc are great!

since my baby arrived 4 months ago we are struggling - I was out of action for a while (c section) and the baby is super clingy
!
I only have them both alone once a week (daughter in nursery 4 days)
and I can’t cope with it - it’s the hardest most stressful day of my week - toddler is so demanding, and I feel like I’m being pulled both ways from each child from the second I wake up - I tried to take them both to the park and daughters annoyed I can’t get as involved as usual cus baby is there - I get that it’s hard for her to understand that she’s 3

home is worse nothing I seem to do is right and she just behaves so badly and I find myself having to leave the room and take a minute so I don’t lose it with her ! I just feel so so stressed out with her and sometimes il raise my voice at her

then I end up in tears when I go to bed because I feel so guilty that I got annoyed with her and that I’m not giving her as much attention as I used to

Anyone got tips on how to juggle 2 fairly and to not feel so guilty all the time 🫠

It's probably harder doing it just once a week as you don't have a normal routine.
However, if she's at nursery then rest of the time, you should be able to arrange it so that you only have the two children to concentrate on that day. Prep meals the day before. Plan what you are going to do that day, but be prepared to be flexible too. Have some activities to hand so that you can just get on with a craft or cooking etc without having to find everything first.
Plan some downtime too - stories etc which they can both enjoy.
Have a special set of toys/books etc that you can use with your eldest only when feeding the baby.
Use a sling for the baby in the park etc - you should be able to get involved with your toddlers play that way.
Generally the baby just needs to fit round what your are doing with your toddler.

I think it’s just hard and sometimes impossible. You aren’t missing any tricks (the only one I can think of is being outside the house as much as possible at the park or wherever). What worked better for us was to have the older one in nursery five days a week but finishing before the end of the day. Then usually the baby fell asleep in the buggy on the way to and from nursery and you can focus on the older one a bit. Having exactly the same routine every day is also helpful.
Give the older one jobs relating to the baby, helping with the nappy change by bringing the nappy, clean clothes etc.
Otherwise, baby in the sling and focus on the older child? The baby usually wanted to be close but didn’t need actual attention beyond that -- I appreciate this is harder with a fussy baby.

Thanks ! You are right - I usually always find being out of the house better / easier

think my mistake yday was coming home for lunch ! Last week was way better when i took the thermos to the park and we ate there and she was wrecked by the time we got back So afternoon was easier

im thinking of moving her swim lesson to the day we have together instead of Sunday as that would give more structure to the day maybe - I didn’t want to do that initially as I thought it would be nice to do stuff together (I feel guilty enough sending her into nursery 4 days as it is - although she absolutely loves it there)

it was easier when the baby was smaller but his napping is gone to crap at the moment which isn’t helping the situation!

I know i probably just have to ride through this stage and it will get better eventually

Getting dressed / undressed for swimming, with an additional baby/toddler present, would not be something I'd choose to do if you have the option of taking her swimming without baby on a Sunday.

(I speak as a mum if four, who've all gone swimming throughout their entire childhood)

Mundane takes work well with two little ones. Shopping for example - two in the trolley at thr supermarket. Or shorter (max 1h) trips round the High Street.

The main-stay of my time with 2+ preschool children was baby and toddler groups though. I used to do four a week - every morning apart ftom one. Gives you an automatic routine. Gives you a set time to get out thr house. Toddler has plenty to do there, thst doesn't require your direct input. You can meet people. Toddler can socialise. Baby can also play, or just nap through it.

I'd suggest finding a group that is open on your day off.

If your eldest can't go to nursery for another day, try a couple of preschooler classes (ideally drop-off). Mine did gymnastics, dance and football. It will let her burn off energy while another adult interacts with her. In between I would do park, childrens centre museum or library with the baby in a sling to fill up the rest of the day.

Prep meals the night before so you can bring them out with you and spend all day outdoors. Agree with shifting all chores to other times - I did them after bedtime or during nursery hours, so I wasn't trying to run errands or clean the house with 2 kids.

It's a hard period but should improve once eldest is in ft nursery or school. I was lucky as birth dates worked out so my eldest was in school by the time the baby was 6 months.

Why don’t you have a look and see if there are any local baby and toddler groups on that morning? She’ll be around other kids but you’re still there too and baby will also hopefully be entertained for a bit. They’ll then be a bit more tired in the afternoon!

you can cope. You are coping. Not coping would be giving up. You're doing a great job and this is coping. Toddlers are hard bloody work 🤮

I have found juggling 2 with a similar age gap impossible at times. Youngest is 1.5 and it’s still really hard to be honest, although 4-7 months with DC2 was definitely the hardest bit. DC2 had left the ‘permanently asleep, happy to be in the sling’ stage but obviously couldn’t sit up or crawl or anything. Felt I couldn’t meet either’s needs.

I would not humour swimming on my own with 2 that age, especially if your eldest is a bit of a live wire. My eldest is a very full on, intense 4 yo and there is just no way I’d do it.

The places I found easiest were church hall based toddler groups. They kill loads of time and there are plenty of other people around willing to play with eldest or hold youngest. Either that, or those mini soft play places that they can’t get lost in and don’t require a ton of clambering on your behalf if toddler gets lost.

Has she got any mates from nursery? Play dates also work very well.

Hold on. It’s what I’m doing, I’m beginning to see glimmers of light of them eventually playing together 😬

Does she have any friends who are off in the same day as her? I have a similar age gap and at that stage found it easier to team up with another mum and spend the day with them, so my older one could play with their friend and then me and my friend could chat and look after the babies. It meant that if the toddlers needed help or some attention one of us could see to them whilst the other took the babies.

I found picnic lunches the best way at that stage. It also avoids the cleaning up.

You don't have long before you can put your son in a baby swing at the park and push them both. Or he can sit in a high chair so feels a bit more part of things.

My age gap is a few months more than yours but my eldest liked being involved in helping. Now your baby is getting bigger can you help do things together? Let her sit with him in the bouncy seat and show him her favourite books? Let her bounce him or press the buttons on a jumperoo.

She needs to start seeing he can soon be a playmate and not the annoying thing that stops fun.

It does change rapidly once baby is a bit more mobile and fun.

Thanks for talking sense into me about the swimming 🤣🤣 Sundays a better idea and my husband can at least do half of them!

no friends off on same day unfortunately and I’m pretty much only one I know on maternity leave.

I’ve just had a look and see my local children’s centre has a stay and play session that afternoon so that could be an idea for us

I also think you need to lose the guilt on your time. Learning to play independently is a very important life skill.

Having a child totally reliant on you for every form of entertainment isn't good for them or you.

You'll be glad in the long run for building some of that. It might mean a bit of grizzling along the way but you'll get there. You'll find it easier if you stop trying to avoid it and accept it is inevitable. Build a routine around it. You play now then we choose an activity at nap time etc.

Despite the best part of four years between them mine are the best of friends and having a sibling overall is much easier once you pass this short stage.

I had two under 2 (husband is forces) 24/7 it's shit.

Yes being out is just the key I think !! She does love her baby brother - she helps with getting the wipes and nappies and picking his clothes

she does lie with him on his play gym and give him toys

but other times she shouts “he’s annoying me” when he cries or there’s drama when he grabs her or tries to get at her hair (obvs)

she is always asking when will he be bigger so I’m trying to reassure her those days are coming soon!

I had a baby and toddler at the same time I know it may not feel it now but time goes sooo fast and it does get easier. I think the biggest change was when baby could sit up, play, join in even just a little and they become real friends x

Oh gosh, I have a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I haven't got any suggestions afraid as I'm struggling too but just to sympathise that it's bloody hard!

OP you have my sympathies as it's really hard. Make sure you plan your day, even if you stay at home - breakfast, activity, rest, lunch, activity, quiet play, dinner, bed. I used to do themed days which made things better - for example, pirate day, where we dressed up as pirates, read pirate books, did pirate related activities etc (this was during lockdown).

It will get easier I promise.

I’ve been there. It does get better!!

The trick is to identify and develop things that your daughter enjoys doing independently. Drawing? Playing with dolls house? Play dough? Anything messy is always a winner in my house 🙈

but that takes time of course! Are there any decent play cafes of toddler groups near you? Join some local facebook groups and ask around.

You could put a post on a local facebook group looking for other parents on maternity/paternity leave with one or more older children. There are probably a few people in the same position.

Thanks all I’ve had a nap, my daughter is in nursery today so I’m finally over the chaos that was yesterday!! I think the lack of routine is definitely part of the issue

when it was just me and the toddler we had Tuesday together just us and we’d get up to to the soft play at 10am have our lunch there, go to the library and then home for the nap and chilled afternoon, dinner bath bed and it was a lovely routine

guess we need to find a new one for the 3 of us !!

Yeah that’s my life now. Teething one year old you screams all day and night. And a very needy 3.5 year old.

i asked for help with childcare so I could do a class 2 days a week, and maybe some help for when I need to care of stuff

my husband refused even though he’s a doctor making a million literally. He told me get a job to pay for child care, knowing I’ve been out of workforce for years and “getting a job” with an infant in my arms is not possible.

He is a fool for being so stingy and not even caring about our well being and happiness. When I was. ready to sacrifice everything. No more. I have a lawyer and he will be paying for childcare while we go back to living 2 hours away. Horrible sex and stopped giving me massages. At some point I realized this is more of a burden staying on this relationship

personally I’d rather live alone and be take them on the weekends. Now that the baby is weaned I’m going to have my freedom back a little bit

my advice : never marry a doctor. I wish I had just married my best friend. He would be supporting me now even though he makes a lot less money. A stingy uncaring rich man is much worse than a middle class genuinely good man