‘You’re the best mum for your baby’, ‘it’ll be instinctive/come naturally’ - how to square this with emotional abuse in childhood?

[howtomum123]

I’m expecting DC1 and have seen/heard the above comments so many times from very well-meaning friends and colleagues etc. But my mum was emotionally abusive, my dad her enabler, and I’ve been in counselling for most of the past 10 years.m to process and try to recover from my childhood.

Motherhood didn’t seem instinctive to her, nor was she the best mum for us, unfortunately. So how do I get my head around the idea that i will/can be the best mum for my baby, when there’s such overwhelming evidence that these statements, while well-meaning, are just untrue?

TIA X

No answers but what a great question; will be interested to see responses.

You’re correct that it isn’t true for everyone but those who are or will be good parents are ones that will worry about it so you’re clearly on the right track.

Thanks @DivorcedAndDelighted, me too - it’s been bothering me for a while!

It's not true, some people aren't good mothers.

But you can choose to be better and do better and not be afraid to ask for help.

For what it's worth I was severely abused as a child, I was told by child psychiatrists that the trauma I'd been through would impact any children I'd have. I was determined not to have children because of that. I have 2 and I'm a good mum 😃

I've thought about this a lot too, especially while pregnant. I don't know the answer really but I agree with premise of your question totally. Personally, I instinctively feel that I'm the best mother for my DS and I'm the only one who loves him in the way that I do. But the fact that I feel that way, doesn't necessarily make me a good mother. I like to think that I am but I imagine that I could feel that way and be a terrible mother. Therapy helps a lot.

Statistically, you’re very much more likely to be the best mother to your baby than not. Your own mother was an aberration. So sorry.

I don’t think it’s true that it always comes naturally or that everyone is the best mum for their baby.

I do think for most (not all) babies, being with your own mum (with support if necessary)) will be the best option.

I’m sorry that your mum was emotionally abusive. You didn’t deserve that and I hope you’ve had some support and that your life is going better since.

It's a good question. Having come from a traumatic background I too was worried about how I would be as a mum. I didnt know how to parent, had no idea. I started from scratch, read so many books, and watched and learned from other mums at baby groups. That's how I learned. I am a much better mum than mine was.

I had a period I am not proud of, when the kids were young. But as soon as I realised my kids were being impacted by my behaviour and my difficulties, I acted. I went back to therapy, I sought help, and as a result, i am so much a better parent now. And that's the difference between me and my mother: the ability to take responsibility for my flaws and to learn from it. I hate that my children were affected back then. But I acted quickly and I continue to learn and grow as a parent, always willing to take on board the next lesson and to accept responsibility. It sounds like you are someone who will be willing to do the same. And in my book, that will make you a good parent.

Speak to your midwife about a referral to the perinatal team in your area - get support with this. It is a fantastic service - you already have insight which is fab!

I think your friends are being well meaning without undersranding your situation. Instinct is very strong, if it wasnt the human race would have died out. But everyone still feels anger, frustration etc and unfortunately some people don’t have the skills to manage those feelings without harming their kids . Hopefully you have the self awareness to do a better job than your own parents did.

Sorry if i have misinterpreted your question a bit. I suppose I agree with the idea that not everyone is a good parent. But the fact that you are thinking about this, asking these questions, tells me that you will be a great parent.

You only have to be a good enough mum. That's all any of us can do. You're prepared not to feel the 'rush of love' (I didn't) and not to find loving your kids uncomplicated (I didn't) and as long as you keep examining your feelings you'll be all right. You know what a not-good-mum looks like and you are already thinking about how not to be that. You will probably find it much easier than you are expecting, which is the right way round isn't it.

Although motherhood doesn't come naturally to some people, they can still be a good mum. It means being honest about when you are struggling, asking for help,educating yourself. The fact you are asking these questions make me think that you will be a great mum, because you clearly care.

Your whole life changes when you become a parent - in my experience it didn't take long to adapt to motherhood, it happened naturally, your body is incredible, so many changes happen beneath the surfaces that help you to bond with your baby. Like many mothers, I became hyper aware of my baby's needs, (it just happened, I didn't do anything special).

Hormones have a huge role,. If you win the hormone lottery everything is easier, if you get PND it can be a real struggle. In those first few months you need to take each day as it comes. Don't be afraid to reach out for support and please remember you are not your mother.

My mother neglected my siblings and me. I think I am a good mum - I certainly enjoy being a mum and my baby seems happy too. I was lucky, I adapted quickly to motherhood but I know that's not everyone's experience. If you find it hard at first it doesn't make you a bad mum, in fact it can make you an even better mum.

It's a marathon not a race. You learn as you go. Just enjoy your baby, as you find your rhythm you will grow in confidence. There are good days and bad days. Just be prepared to throw out all the ideas you had about how you will be in motherhood. Every baby is different and needs to be parented differently. You will quickly learn what works for you and your baby, what gets them to sleep, what comforts them, what makes them happy. You will know the face they pull before a big poop and you will know if they seem a little off for whatever reason - that's the instinct thing. You spend all your time with them so these things become obvious. Instinct is strong

Fyi, my mother has borderline personality disorder which may be why she didn't take too well to parenthood. I think for most people it is quite natural to bond with your baby and understand their needs. I agree that it is very instinctual and intended by nature.

Most of the time it is a natural instinct to want to care for and protect your baby, and babies are built to bring out that instinct, even their smell is designed to make you want to cuddle them, women even have a sensitivity to high pitched sounds while sleeping so they will wake to their crying baby- probably why you will see more tired mums than dads lol my OH doesn’t hear our little girl at all at night, the best way to know if you’re doing right by your kids is to listen to your kids xx

"those who are or will be good parents are ones that will worry about it" I'm not convinced that's true, though. Yes, some parents are shit because they don't care. But my mum wanted to be a good mother, spent a lot of time trying to get some things right, but had undiagnosed mental health issues leading to repeated uncontrolled abusive anger outbursts. Some people who worry about their parenting are also damaging their kids.

Its a great question OP and its one I worry about too - though I've not had kids yet. Obviously it doesn't come naturally to everyone.

I don't have any answers, but i think "good mum" or "best mum" is too simple. What is "the best mum" anyway - there are so many different types of personality and cultures and parenting styles and many of these are good in different ways. I try to break it down - can i behave in emotionally healthy ways, can i stay calm, handle conflict, do i have the financial and social resources a child would need, do i have enough information about how to meet their needs. But this is all just in theory before it happens.

I think you can be the best mum to your baby easily if it comes naturally to you to put the baby first (mostly, while still attending to your own needs). My own mother can’t do that as she always has to put herself and her needs first, and then nothing works, at any age.

I do believe that for most people instincts kick in. But that does not mean that everyone is a good parent. On the plus side, the fact that you are even worrying about this is, I think, a good sign. It means you are already thinking about what is best for your dc, and not what is best for you. Bad parents are the ones who don't or can't do that. Who aren't interested in doing the work or making the changes.

Ah these old chestnuts 😏

I was also abused as a child (emotionally and physically), and when I got pregnant I didn't feel a bond to the baby. I was freaking out and everyone kept telling me it'll be natural when he's born, I'll be a great mum etc... They meant it nicely but it did NOT help!

It's different for everyone, and I'm sure lots of people DO immediately feel that bond and it just clicks, but when DS was born it did not just happen for me. I love him very much and learnt the physical ins and out of having a child very quickly, but the emotional stuff has been harder to learn. I'm absolutely committed to not making the same mistakes my parents did, but even now (DS is 5) I often catch myself with some belittling/abusive comment on the tip of my tongue that I need to make a conscious effort to disregard and say something nicer!

IMO, if you're committed to raising your child in an abuse-free home, and you put in the work to make that happen, it'll happen ❤️
And it may well happen naturally for some, including you! But if you actively monitor your behaviour and know it's something to watch out for, then you'll be sure.

My mum wasn’t abusive but I don’t think she was a natural mother. I’m not either.

I have an idea of the type of mum I’d like to be. Some of this is based on research but some of that doesn’t feel attainable for me, so it’s tailored to my personality. Some of it also adapts over time as I realise that this method isn’t going to work for me or my kid. Then I try to be that mum. I don’t reach 100% ever. On some days, days when we’re sick or really stressful days, I’m not scoring highly - I’m probably just scrapping a C grade at 60%. Other days I’m hitting 80+%. I think I probably average out to about 70% and that’s OK. Nobody can be a perfect mum but being 70% of the mum I’d like to be is good. I’m happy with that.

As time has gone on, I’ve realised what can drive that score down and o try to remove those or have strategies in place for when it happens (having calpol in and some frozen/ready meals for toddler when we’re sick). I’ve also realised that I’m not very good at doing baking or messy play at home and so I outsource that - I get DH to do baking or I pay to go to messy play events. That helps to keep my score higher. I’ve realised I’m better at things like pottering with my toddler, which DH isn’t and so we go for potters a lot. You don’t have to do everything that research has said is good for developing your child, especially if you hate it. Find what works for you and delegate or ignore what doesn’t.

The big thing for me is that I don’t think I can have another child. I think my ability to parent two would mean my average would probably drop to 50-60%. I don’t think 50% of the mum I’d like to be is too bad but I don’t want to make myself a worse mum for my existing child to have a second child. I don’t think I have a mechanism for improving that score either but if the second child had additional needs I think my average could be a lot lower.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies, I’ve been reading them all. Lots to think about! My mum has never apologised for or reflected on her behaviour (as far as I can tell), and it’s painted as ‘just how she is’ by most of the rest of my family.

Over the last few years in therapy, I’ve been trying to identify and work on my triggers and coping mechanisms etc, and on emotional regulation for when DCs are here. And also how to talk to them about their own feelings and help them to identify their emotions and express them healthily, because nobody did that with us (we had to squash them down because there was only room for my mum’s emotions in our family). So hopefully I’m on the right kind of lines, but I’m very aware that it’ll be a really steep learning curve once DC is here for real!

Thank you again

That's a funny one.

Most of my mothering came instinctively to me in the early days. I felt uncomfortable not being close to her all the time, I couldn't hear her cry and not respond straight away and I felt an overwhelming need to protect and love her.

As they get older it becomes a bit more cognitive I suppose, you have to think through choices not just act on instinct.

I don't think that the way my instincts work can be the same as most parents though. For example, apparently the majority of parents smack their children at least occasionally, but they idea of ever laying a hand on my daughter (or any child) makes me feel physically sick. I couldn't ever do it, even if I thought it was the right thing to do. That's a biological instinct which tells me that my child being hurt is the worst possible thing and I could never inflict it.