Worried I won't be here for my daughter

[Showbel]

She's 4 months old, lately I've been so worried about becoming ill or dying early. Both me and my partner had parents die early so I think this is where my worrying stems from. Is this normal to be worried about this? If you've felt like this yourself what gave you comfort?

Yes I worry about this and lots of my friends, who I've asked, do too. And my parents are both still alive so I think it's very understandable that it's heightened for you. Here are some things I think about/do:

-have a plan for if you died and that is written up in a will (charities do this for free, there is something called Will Aid, if you don't have one already. Make sure whoever would have your child in the event you do both die know about it and agree!)

-try, broadly speaking (don't tell those 3 cupcakes I ate yesterday), to be healthy

-remind myself of average life expectancy

-have a broad range of caring people in my kids' life

-do have photos and videos with parents as well as the kids, lots of family photos, lots of 'everyday' videos and photos in it

Also as they get older I tell them lots of stories about themselves as babies and toddlers as some of those memories are mine only.

Do you think you might have post natal anxiety?

I didn't worry about this but when DS was a newborn I worried intensely about climate change. I mean yes it is actually very worrying but it was completely consuming my thoughts. I think sometimes coming to terms with the responsibility of having a child can manifest in different ways.

Now he's older these thoughts have faded into the background completely. I don't want to dismiss how you feel but hormones can be wild!

Assuming you don't have any mental health issues and this is just normal worrying, then the best way to tackle worries is to do everything you can to mitigate them and then actively put them aside.

Mitigation:

• get wills sorted for both finances and naming guardians
• get life insurance if appropriate and if you can afford it
• quit smoking, lose weight, do regular exercise etc

Put the worries aside. You can't stop them popping into your head, but every time they do you think 'not now', and deliberately think hard about something else. Doesn't matter what, so long as it occupies your mind briefly. Randomly I often think of jam! I just think blackcurrant jam, so squishy and delicious and look at the dark colour of it, or I could have strawberry, or raspberry with its seeds, and maybe on toast or in porridge or in an arctic roll... And by that time something else has caught my attention and my mind moves on. Just crowd the worries out with other thoughts basically.

I lost both my parents by the time I was 20. When this has happened to you, it's impossible not to think about it. The best thing you can do is prepare for it as much as possible and then forget about it and get on with your life.

Ensure you have substantial life insurance so that whatever the eventuality, no one needs to worry about money.

Make your wills and appoint guardians, although this may be something you may need to revisit and change as your child grows. We are on our third set of guardians.

Write down milestones and memories and make sure you are in photos, not just taking them.

If you don't have a strong wider family, build a strong circle of friends.

This will not be what you want to hear but unfortunately, I have been diagnosed with a terminal cancer (an incredibly rare cancer and in no way hereditary) so history is partially repeating itself for us.

What brings me, and my teenage children, comfort is that I have always been able to be there for them, first as a SAHM and then working around school hours and as a family we have been able to enjoy "the small things", putting that above money and really have always tried to make the most of every day and never put stuff off.

But they are our family values. Everyone is different and everyone should think about how they want to live their lives, not how society says they should. By doing that, even though I haven't quite got my 15 yo "over the finishing line" I feel like he's got enough of the important stuff from me and my 20 yo has already said that he knows he'll be ok because the same thing happened to me, and I am ok.