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Original poster

Suicide bereavement for young child

14 replies

ShiningStar1990 · 21/10/2024 13:51

Hi,
This is a difficult subject and I am looking for advice from parents who have been in the same situation and could give me advice.

Long story short... 5 weeks ago my 19 year old nephew committed suicide. He had severe PTSD from a car accident he was involved in 9 months ago where his best friend died in his arms. He had survivors guilt. My 7 year old daughter, my nephews cousin was very close to him, they were more like brother and sister than cousins.
She is aware he has died and since has completely changed as a person, acting out with a lot of anger and frustration and has now been asking how he died. I am petrified of telling her the truth.
I have recently spoke to a charity called Winston's Wish who have advised me to tell her the truth. That his mind was poorly and when someone has a poorly mind their mind can tell them they don't want to be alive anymore and sadly he killed himself. This conversation seems completely wrong to me, to tell a 7 year old that their best friend and cousin has killed himself. What if she asks me how he killed himself [redacted by MNHQ]. Please if there are any parents out there that have been in a similar situation who can give me advice on what to do and how I do it, it would be much appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
MabelEstherAllen · 21/10/2024 14:11

One of my children was 7 when their father died by suicide. And, yes, I was honest about how he died. I also spoke to Winston's Wish, and they said that, in their experience, children will already be imagining the worst scenario possible - so that it's better to tell them the truth, because it won't be any worse that what's in their imagination already, and it will stop their minds from endlessly playing over different scenarios. In cases of suicide, it's also really important that children feel that they can trust living adults. Kids tend to know when they're being lied to, or fobbed off, and it's really painful for them to feel they're being lied to about such a big thing. Children bereaved by suicide have so many difficult emotions to deal with, and they need to be able to fully trust the remaining adults in their lives, so that they feel able to share those emotions. I'm so sorry for your loss and trauma.

Original poster
ShiningStar1990 · 21/10/2024 14:18

MabelEstherAllen · 21/10/2024 14:11

One of my children was 7 when their father died by suicide. And, yes, I was honest about how he died. I also spoke to Winston's Wish, and they said that, in their experience, children will already be imagining the worst scenario possible - so that it's better to tell them the truth, because it won't be any worse that what's in their imagination already, and it will stop their minds from endlessly playing over different scenarios. In cases of suicide, it's also really important that children feel that they can trust living adults. Kids tend to know when they're being lied to, or fobbed off, and it's really painful for them to feel they're being lied to about such a big thing. Children bereaved by suicide have so many difficult emotions to deal with, and they need to be able to fully trust the remaining adults in their lives, so that they feel able to share those emotions. I'm so sorry for your loss and trauma.

Thank you for your reply.
Did your child ask how he died? The thought of telling my daughter [redacted by MNHQ] feels so wrong. My thinking was to explain to her that after he was in the car accident it made his mind poorly because of what he saw and because of how poorly his mind was he died. Does this sound ok to tell her this? How did your 7 year old take it at the time. I am petrified to tell her the truth, she's so young I'm trying to protect her but feel like I'm making things worse. She's not herself anymore, she's angry, frustrated, lashing out, getting aggressive and I am struggling so much to support her as I have no idea how to. Any advice I would appreciate so much.

OP posts:
CherryHinton · 21/10/2024 14:21

I am really sorry.

That is an age appropriate way to tell the truth. In a way it might also reassure her especially if it's the first young person death she has experienced - she may be having all sorts of worries about who else may suddenly die and she needs to understand that it doesn't mean you, for example, are going to suddenly vanish from her life too. You also can't risk that she overhears something and realises that she's been lied to - she may already have done so and that's also part of her sudden questioning.

I would be guided by WW - they may have a better approach to dealing with questions about how he died. I must admit I would personally steer away from the detail - just as the media doesn't report the details, I don't think it's appropriate to know and could lead to an unhealthy focus for her on the mechanics of it. I would want to steer her away from that and might be tempted to say I didn't know the details or that it would be hurtful to her aunt and uncle to talk about that and steer her on to that it's sad and how we can remember him instead.

Lincoln24 · 21/10/2024 14:22

I agree with the pp, the problem with lying or even fudging the answer is that it's then a secret that you will have to reveal, or that they will discover, at a point in the future. It's unlikely to feel less sad or difficult at that point and all you'll do is have the added complications of it being uncovered and the damage that will do to the trust in your relationship.

I had to tell my 3 year old her dad had died (not by suicide) and I can tell you that it probably feels really wrong because it's wrong that you're having to do it, because it is so sad and unfair, and because it is going to bring your daughter sadness, rather than because it is the wrong thing to do in the circumstances, if that makes sense. But I think that's inescapable.

ManchesterGirl2 · 21/10/2024 14:26

I'm sorry for your loss.

I agree with honesty. If there's a big secret around this, or things she feels she's not allowed to ask about, that's going to be even more harmful to her mental health. Answer her questions simply, but don't go into more detail than what she is asking.

SelkieSeal · 21/10/2024 14:32

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ShiningStar1990 · 21/10/2024 14:34

ShiningStar1990 · 21/10/2024 13:51

Hi,
This is a difficult subject and I am looking for advice from parents who have been in the same situation and could give me advice.

Long story short... 5 weeks ago my 19 year old nephew committed suicide. He had severe PTSD from a car accident he was involved in 9 months ago where his best friend died in his arms. He had survivors guilt. My 7 year old daughter, my nephews cousin was very close to him, they were more like brother and sister than cousins.
She is aware he has died and since has completely changed as a person, acting out with a lot of anger and frustration and has now been asking how he died. I am petrified of telling her the truth.
I have recently spoke to a charity called Winston's Wish who have advised me to tell her the truth. That his mind was poorly and when someone has a poorly mind their mind can tell them they don't want to be alive anymore and sadly he killed himself. This conversation seems completely wrong to me, to tell a 7 year old that their best friend and cousin has killed himself. What if she asks me how he killed himself [redacted by MNHQ]. Please if there are any parents out there that have been in a similar situation who can give me advice on what to do and how I do it, it would be much appreciated. Thank you.

Thank you everyone for your advice.
I think I'm going to tell her like this, please tell me if it doesn't sound ok.

Last year when Cameron was in the big truck accident and his friend died. Well, Cameron found it very hard to be happy after the accident and his mind became poorly. Our brains are where our thoughts come from and Camerons brain became poorly It was very sad what Cameron had to see that night and it made Cameron sad.. Because of this Cameron died.

Do I have to tell her he killed himself because I just don't think I can do this. The pain I'm feeling of even having to say those words to her is killing me inside. What if she asks me how he killed himself? Or did he not love her enough to stay alive.

OP posts:
CherryHinton · 21/10/2024 14:37

I think you have to. She needs to know it was action he took because he was unwell. You can't leave her thinking that if you are sad, you might just die.

SelkieSeal · 21/10/2024 14:37

ShiningStar1990 · 21/10/2024 14:34

Thank you everyone for your advice.
I think I'm going to tell her like this, please tell me if it doesn't sound ok.

Last year when Cameron was in the big truck accident and his friend died. Well, Cameron found it very hard to be happy after the accident and his mind became poorly. Our brains are where our thoughts come from and Camerons brain became poorly It was very sad what Cameron had to see that night and it made Cameron sad.. Because of this Cameron died.

Do I have to tell her he killed himself because I just don't think I can do this. The pain I'm feeling of even having to say those words to her is killing me inside. What if she asks me how he killed himself? Or did he not love her enough to stay alive.

Show quote history

Personally I think it's important to be honest. People don't die of "being sad" and I wouldn't want to give the impression that they could - after all, she is sad now, as are you, but neither of you are going to die because of it. I think it's better to give a very brief factual explanation.

AnneShirleysNewDress · 21/10/2024 14:38

I’m really sorry for your loss. My friends dad died by suicide when we were young. Initially she wasn’t told how he died and when she found out she said it was like losing him again. I don’t think you can say that he died because he was sad. She’ll be terrified of feeling sad in case the same thing happens to her.

Original poster
ShiningStar1990 · 21/10/2024 14:39

CherryHinton · 21/10/2024 14:37

I think you have to. She needs to know it was action he took because he was unwell. You can't leave her thinking that if you are sad, you might just die.

Oh god 😭😭 I know everyone on here commenting is right. I'm just so scared to tell her the truth. The pain I'm feeling right now with the thought of telling her that her bestest friend in the world, her hero killed himself is killing me inside. I just need a few days to think on the best way to tell her this without scaring her and making it worse than it already is. I feel like I'm completely failing her as a mother, this whole journey is completely new to me and I'm trying my best to navigate life in such awful grief.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShiningStar1990 · 21/10/2024 14:40

AnneShirleysNewDress · 21/10/2024 14:38

I’m really sorry for your loss. My friends dad died by suicide when we were young. Initially she wasn’t told how he died and when she found out she said it was like losing him again. I don’t think you can say that he died because he was sad. She’ll be terrified of feeling sad in case the same thing happens to her.

Edited

[Redacted by MNHQ] If she asks me how he killed himself what do I even say? I'm so lost

OP posts:
Spasisters · 21/10/2024 14:42

The one thing I will say from working with children in Nurture settings is always use clear non ambiguous language. Being straight to the point is harder for us to say that it is for them to hear. They need to know its final, not something that could happen if you or anyone else close felt sad and true enough that as they get older and hear more details they don’t feel lied to.

Happyholidays78 · 21/10/2024 14:43

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I have a close friend who was in a similar situation around 10 year's ago & Winstons Wish were a brilliant support to her & her son. They say tell the truth because they know what they are doing, please take their advice & deliver it in the most age appropriate way & know it is OK for you to show sadness because the situation is sad. I was you all the best xx

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