Would you allow your DD change school in these circumstances

[Sindymindy]

We live in a suburb of a large city, it’s a really lovely place to live, great community, facilities, schools etc. In many ways it resembles a country town, everyone knows everyone and this is something I like as does my DH and other DDs. However my eldest DD really doesn’t embrace it. The girls have gone straight from Montessori to primary to secondary with many of the same girls and the secondary they are in is very good (think one of the best in the country and non fee paying )

DD is miserable, she says she feels stifled, it’s cliquey and she wants to move to another school. She also wants to move to another tennis club as she finds the local club stiffling.

There are options close enough but the schools are not as strong.

There is no bullying, beyond dreadful teen attitude, no acting out and results are mediocre but not awful so on the face of it there is no big ‘reason’ to move beyond a general unhappiness and a feeling that she would like to shed her skin.

In this scenario would you just give changing schools a go ?

The obvious answer is change the tennis club and look at a hobby with a group somewhere in the city proper. Maybe drop tennis completely for something new because honestly, tennis is mega cliquey and appeals to a certain demographic. Getting a new friendship circle out of school might scratch the itch, or confirm that your area is actually Stepford. You could do that over the winter then look at schools in the spring.

Given everything you have said, and that sometimes in a family you have to make collective decisions, I am not sure that I would let her move schools, no.

She obviously needs some sort of challenge away from school and the local tennis club though. Definitely let her join a different club and meet some new people.

How old is she and what year is she in?

This is difficult. My first thought is if she stays at the very good school and does very well she can spread her wings at a large choice of universities. However if she is unhappy at the school she may not achieve her potential. Is she self motivated? If so she could do well in a poorer school. If she's not so much she could be easily influenced and lower her standards to the level of the cohort.

The tennis club change is lower risk. If it's logistically feasible you could swap. If she at a high level in tennis that it's a bad idea to quit or take a break? If not would she like to try a less cliquey sport?

Being unhappy would be enough of a reason for me to look further into the possibility of it and if it would work logistically.

Is the school really small? Are there any logistical challenges to her changing? Does she like tennis? Could she slide into a less stifling friendship group? Could she have a hobby that is less of a cliquey hothouse?

What year is she in? Moving in y8 is not a big deal, moving in y10/11 is. Not being happy is a reason - your pals being dull might be dealt with without a move though.

How old is she?
Practically, could she get to another school or tennis club?
Some children move school and absolutely flourish as they either find their tribe or just get to start afresh as the person they are now rather than whatever box they were put in when they were a toddler/7yo/11yo/whatever. Others might continue to struggle but at least you and she will know you've tried

If she's 11/12 I'd say yes and support her.
If she's already on the gcse syllabus, I'd suggest staying where she is and a different school for 6th form.
And remind her she can move away for uni

Edited because my phone likes to make autocorrects!

Thank you for the responses.
We are in Ireland so she would be heading into a 2 year A level type programme

If it's a good time to switch educationally (ie going into 6th form or equivalent) I would say yes.
I teach 6th form and lots swap just for a new change rather than any other reason.

I swapped myself at this stage as I didn't have a good group of friends at previous school (had friends outside though) and just needed a change. It was good for me and the right decision.

Yes I would I hated school it was an all girls school and I was very quiet as a result I didn't do well in school found any excuse not to go and was absolutely miserable it was torture. I would never make mine go to a school they didn't like personally having been through it myself .

Assuming that you trust your daughter, then you need to take her desires on board and source an alternative. I think that unless compelled, most adults would seek other employment opportunities if they felt as your daughter does. It's unlikely they would
commit to two further years of misery.. I've been in this situation and a move resolved everything for my daughter

I'd let her change schools. Make it clear it is her decision and needs to be the right one. She can't just move schools again in a few months.
Encourage her to think about the positives and negatives of each. Then if she still really wants to change then I would allow it.
I switched schools at 14 by choice and I don't regret it.

It’s a good time to switch. Is she in TY now and you are looking for 5th year or has she already started 5th year? Lots change at that age . Is she in an all girls school? I can see how that would be stuffing if they have all been together since they were 4. Maybe a part time job is another idea.

Oh that totally changes my response! For some reason, I thought she was 13 or 14!

In that case yes I would allow her to change schools.

My only caveat would be to make sure that the teaching was reasonably good at the new school and to make sure she understands that the new school might not be as challenging academically, and that she might need to be more self motivated at her studies.

Ànd that she knows how important her A levels are in terms of which uni she attends and her overall future.

Maybe she could get a part time job and meet different people through that her own age

Her school sounds safe and decent albeit a tad claustrophobic for her

The grass isn't always greener

Plus she'll probably get decent A Levels at her current school and she can look forward to all that Uni has to offer

She sounds a bit like Marianne from Sally Rooney's Normal People

I had to change schools at that age because we moved and I absolutely loved it. It suited me much more

DD changed school at a similar age and she loved it too

So yes changing school can make a huge positive difference for sure

I’m in a different country so our system is different. My DD was unhappy at age 16 turning 17 and would have changed schools if she could. However she’d already started her second last year so it wasn’t possible except in extreme cases which hers wasn’t. She was at an excellent school but just not enjoying it. Fast forward a year and she was having a great time and was glad she stayed. I’d suggest mixing up the extra curriculars, DD left her school netball club to join a community one and made some new friends. She also got a PT job and got her drivers licence at 17 which all helped her in feeling more free and independent.