How do you get a 3yo to listen to you?

[AmandaPleaseDotCom]

Mine doesn't seem to at all when I tell her to do/not do something. She doesn't seem to care about any kind of consequence e.g. if you don't stop doing x we will go home. She will just carry on and then we have to cut nice things short.

If I ask her to put something down in a shop she just ignores/resists/says no. If I try to just pick her up and leave she throws herself on the floor and makes herself as stiff as possible.

E.g. today I asked her to wait for me before opening the front door but she just looked me dead in the eye and opened it and bolted out.

I don't want to be constantly battling her but it feels like that's what our relationships becoming. It makes me really sad.

How do I get her to listen to me and do as I ask?

123 magic but mainly just waiting for them to grow. 3-4 was awful with my ds but at 5 he's lovely.

Agree with trying 123 Magic or reading The House of Tiny Tearaways.

If she's open ding the front door and bolting you need a chain and possibly a second lock

Get down to her face level, look her straight in the eye and use short basic instructions. Make sure she looks at you when you speak. Ask her to repeat the instruction. Use one (only one) warning followed by a consequence. Be 100% consistent.

That's good advice too

No real advice but I did find age 3 the worst for this kind of thing with both of mine. Got better as they got a bit older in some respects

What kind of consequences are people using for 3yos?

Mean what you say. For example, before you got to the park, did you outline expectations. When threatening to take her home - did you threaten more than once therefore did she think you didn’t mean it. I find a sin bin approach is better than a full on take home. ‘Sit down here and think about your behaviour for 3 mins’ works much better than a full on take home.

How to talk so kids will listen is a book that answers your title!

Yes you will be in routine battles for a while forever bear in mind the perspective that you're on a long journey towards her independence and you somehow have to work out what level of risk she can take.

So obviously not bolting out the door but sometimes let them find out the hard way what happens if they sit in a puddle/jump off the sofa/go out without a coat etc.

It's not today's style of parenting but I like the odd good bollocking, down to their level and speak quite fiercely, you do NOT etc. personally I think the odd harsh telling off is nicer for everyone than constant micro-corrections.

I just don't go in shops with my kids if I can avoid it. They're so stimulating and bewildering, kids would always have meltdowns, I prefer to do it alone or online

Mine laughs if I do this. I don’t know the answers @AmandaPleaseDotCom but please let me know if you find them. Doesn’t give a shit for consequences either!

Mine laughs too!!

I read, possibly in 'how to talk' that at 2 and 3 it is easy to overestimate their grasp of English. That made sense to me. So keep it very simple - instead of 'wait by the front door until mummy is finished getting ready' say ' wait there'

I really mean what I say, and he absolutely knows it. But big consequences like leaving the park or wherever are only for truly unacceptable behaviour. He knows this so we just don't get that kind of behaviour.

I think if you're too heavy handed with consequences they don't see the point in behaving so just find fun in being cheeky and naughty. You have to come and go with them a bit too, and give them their dues as their own little people. If they hear "no" all the time they simply give up and it has a negative impact on their behaviour.

I also don't give consequences that are just as much punishments for me as for him. That's pointless and they know it. Had to laugh inwardly at a parent I saw in the park threatening a child "if you keep doing that we're going home. Do you want to go home?" "Yes", came the reply.

I don't give multiple warnings either. I lay out expectations before something, and I give one reminder of consequences. He's just turned 3 and listens to me really well. Some of it may be your daughter's temperament, but the above advice still stands. I wouldn't say my son is some biddable little wallflower. He tries it on sometimes. He just doesn't get anywhere so he knows it's not worth it.

@AmandaPleaseDotCom

Mine laughs too!!

She laughs because you're not coming across as really meaning what you say. You need to be the absolute Queen of unbotheredness. It doesn't matter one bit if she laughs. That's just attitude and you can't do a great deal about it at 3 years old. Carry on with expectations and consequences regardless. Let her laugh.

I think that’s a bit naive @Yourethebeerthief

I teach in a secondary school. I’ve taught in some bloody rough places and I mean what I say and I have an aithorative voice. But three year olds are pretty difficult <understatement>

That is my saving grace @AmandaPleaseDotCom , all my friends are going through the same and we aren’t all shit parents!

I’m a nanny, I’ve been a teacher, I’ve got 15 years childcare experience and now I have my own three year old.
Boundaries boundaries boundaries. A lot of ‘we are going to x shop for x, you need to behave nicely and be helpful and then we can do playground/library/babycinno/ice cream’
Constant praise. ‘that’s very good, well done, you stood very nicely while mummy paid, I’m impressed!’ I don’t believe in just not taking them. It’s far better for them to just learn how to get on with it.

And the odd sharp bollocking, if all my efforts fall on deaf ears. Mummy is not afraid to use her cross voice if needed.

At the end of the day they are going to push push push. They are still very small, the emotional ability to process the fact that they are getting on your last nerve isn’t always there.

I personally feel bloody awful when I have to get really cross so I’ll do a lot to try and mitigate it coming to that but I’m not afraid to do it. I guess benign dictatorship is the aim of the game at this age 😅

Make consequences small. My DH has a tendency to go way too big "you'll never watch TV every again!" Or "I will send all of your toys to charity". The DC clearly know he's being ridiculous.

Which parts of either of my posts are naive or unhelpful?

I have a typical 3 year old who tests me to my limit at times. But he doesn't dash out of doors when told not to. He knows that behaviour like that is simply not worth it.

Absolutely agree. "We're going home if you do that again!" is my most cringeworthy example. So many parents throw out things like this, then can't follow through, then become laughable to their children.

Definitely keep the consequences appropriate in severity and achievable for both you and your child. Otherwise it just tips the other way and they think, fuck it, no point in even trying to behave.

Could you give an example of your consequences please? I really don't want to resort to 'we are going home' but often there doesn't really seem to be an alternative that she gives a fig about!

I don’t believe I said ‘unhelpful.’ I said ‘naive’ because you seem to be basing your answer entirely on your three year old who as you say ‘wouldn’t behave like that’ - maybe not, but many would, and do!

It is a difficult age and I don’t think there are any magic solutions although I have seen good things about 123 Magic.

Mine is closer to 4 and is getting easier in some regards but is very, very boisterous which is frustrating.

I have worked with young children for nearly 20 years, in addition to raising a well behaved child of my own, so you can keep your comments about naivety.

He wouldn't behave like that now. I put the work in to make sure of it and I'm giving OP advice based on that work. It's certainly not a magic solution. It's hard work raising a child who listens and does as they're told. He pushes buttons, but never any of several consequence.

OP can take or leave the advice on this thread as she so chooses. I'll give mine like anyone else.

*severe consequence

Of course you can; no one is saying you can’t! But part of giving advice is that not everyone will agree with it. Iff it was as simple as tell them not to / give a consequence it would be easy but parenting isn’t, and there are nuances, characters and situations that have to be accounted for. I think you’re taking any hesitation over your advice very personally and that in itself is indicative that you see it as a simple solution with a simple answer. It isn’t.

I don't have any advice but my son is 2 years 10 months and is just like this!!
I feel like it's a constant bribing him to do the next thing. He is definitely worse when he's tired!! It's so hard

I think as far as possible you've got to anticipate what might happen, and then put in place things to protect yourself, for instance not make it possible for her to open the door herself if you don't want her to run off.

Agree with others that you shouldn't have unrealistic consequences, but don't be afraid to follow through. My two were squabbling in the trolley once in a supermarket and I told them I'd they didn't stop I'd leave it and go home. They knew we needed the food so kept going and I just stopped and took them out and left the trolley and went home. They had a very dull tea and didn't do it again.

Children laughing at you: it's sometimes a nervous reaction and sometimes it's because they know usually laughing works to cheer you up and they think you'll go along with it. They're rarely trying to actively wind you up (though it can seem that way)! In either case you're on a hiding to nothing if you get cross. Calm, boring, calm, boring, consistent generally works.

I used to pretend I was being filmed. Cheerful, clear, praise every fragment of good behaviour, and you'll get there. It's tough when they're three! Old enough to seem rational but actually not yet.