Awful mornings and bedtimes with 9 year old

[Trampolineissues]

Can anyone offer any advice? At the end of my rag tonight!
Fairly independent 9 year old daughter - youngest of 3 chn with two older brothers - is horrific to get out the house and get into bed. She procrastinates, ignores, refuses and then panics on the last ten minutes before we have to get out of the house. She has no SEND needs but does have the added hassle of applying cream for ezcema above getting dressed etc. it takes her two hours to eat breakfast, get dressed, do cream and clean her teeth. And that all happens generally in the last ten minutes. Have tried punishments, rewards, helping her, giving her a clear list. Her brothers just get on and always have.
any ideas? Or just tell me we’re not alone and it’s her age?!

What is she doing instead of the things she needs to be doing?

Plan a reason to be out the door and leave her behind if she isn't ready... She will get more organised then..
Bedtime tell her grown up time starts at <insert chosen time here >she can piss around alone upstairs while you start your evening downstairs.. At 9 she can be told YOU are deserving of some down time.

Generally sitting somewhere. She can take 30 mins to apply her cream and won’t let anyone do it for her. She might go for a 40 min toilet stop, hide in her bedroom, find a brother to argue with or just disappear from one adult whilst the other is getting ready for work. Bedtime it’s the same.

Leave her to it.. Have a bath with the door locked. Go for a run. Pop to the shop. Assume she has total attention doing all this faffing(?) so remove the fuss... Ignore and leave her to it.

We’re always out to work so there’s always a reason - she’s ok on the weekends when it’s something she wants to do 😂
her cream application makes things tricky as it has to be applied after she’s done the general cream so I have to be present - even if not in person but in mind - until I’ve applied the stuff. So I can’t just shut her upstairs and ignore her if that makes sense? Otherwise I totally would do that and did do that with her brothers if they were messing.
in fact now I’ve typed that out it’s probably why. But the cream etc isn’t something we can not do.

So you be the faffer and make her miss out..

What literally just sit there on the toilet for 40 minutes?

Has she always been like that? Are you sure she hasn't got inattentive ADHD?

What is she doing in the loo for 40 mins??? Whatever there is in there that’s so interesting needs to be removed! Does she really need 2 hours to do the things she needs to do? Or has she really got too long and it takes away the sense of urgency.

I honestly don’t know what she does for 40 mins on the toilet - she takes ages to wipe, she sits there, faffs with washing her hands etc
have pondered adhd but she doesn’t really show those sort of symptoms in other walks of life. Just when we expect her to get ready for leaving or sleeping.
I don’t know how I could be the faffer - I have to leave for work 😬

You're definitely not alone – it sounds exhausting, but so common at this age! My 9-year-old is the same with mornings and bedtimes, dragging things out until the last minute. One thing that's helped a bit for us is using a timer or setting specific 'checkpoints' for each task (like 'clothes on by 7:30'). I know it’s tough, but maybe breaking it down with smaller deadlines might ease some of that last-minute panic. Hang in there – you’re doing great, and this phase will pass!

Does she take a phone into the loo or have one with her when she's sitting around? If so, that needs to be out of bounds whenever you need to go anywhere.

Nope no devices - we’ve tried bribing her with one eg if you get ready in time you can watch tv before school etc but it’s not a motivator for her 😂
I think maybe I just have to accept it’s a phase. Maybe somehow apply her cream at a different time. It’s exhausting

My dd9 is the same but does have ADHD. Lists don't work. Couldn't care less about them.

What has worked a bit is a firm time on kitchen closing, so all breakfasts have to be made and eaten by 7:20 or they won't have anything. This stops the cereal bowl nursing that used to go on for an hour.

Second thing is once she is downstairs she is now allowed upstairs. Uniform is brought down the night before and she changed downstairs. Toothbrushes are downstairs. Hairbrush and accessories are all downstairs.

Alexa reminders.

Talk in seconds not minutes. 10 minutes to go? That's 600 seconds people! 599, 598...

How many times a day does her cream need to be applied? Maybe move the cream application to a less rushed time? My dd9 need constant reminding what she needs to be doing, so did her siblings at that age, i think its just a phase tbh xx

Thanks I’ll try these! Have tried making her eat breakfast last and she just missed it. But the upstairs downstairs idea is a good one and the seconds
I am starting to wonder now I’ve googled it if she may have a form of adhd but she gets on fine in all other aspects of life

She’s currently on a high dose steroid cream that has to be done twice a day so morning and night. Once that course is over it’ll just be regular creams until the next one or whateve other cream she’s prescribed. So it’s morning and night really

Sounds like you need to let her fail and take the choice away from her.

You're currently letting her choose to do this delaying stuff. You can let her miss the odd breakfast or tell her she obviously isn't old enough/grown up enough to do these things in her own.

She takes 40 minutes arsing about in the toilet? Well tough, you've missed breakfast.
If she doesn't miss it, but is taking ages to eat breakfast? Well, she just can't have breakfast at home, she gets a breakfast that can be eaten in the car, that is handed to her once she's strapped in.

Taking 45 minutes to apply cream, then tough luck, she doesn't get a choice and she can't do it herself.

Sits and dawdles when getting dressed upstairs alone? She is now supervised getting dressed.