Occasional bed wetting and sleep overs

[User1985200]

My daughter is 8 years old and sometimes has bedwetting accidents when she’s anxious. We don’t normally have any issues now just now and again once every month or two. Shes aware that this can happen when she gets anxious and it can make social events where sleepovers are concerned really stressful.

She was invited to her friends birthday sleep over which is tonight. She’s been so excited and desperate to go but last night out of the blue she got really nervous about embarrassing herself there and wet the bed. There was a huge part of me that didn’t want to send her tonight as I’m so anxious that she will have an accident again tonight and it will be hugely embarrassing for her. I still sent her as she was desperate to go and I couldn’t stop her going as this seemed the wrong thing to do. I’ve made the friend’s mum aware that she’s usually fine but can have an accident if she’s nervous and as she was upset last night I’ve put a sneaky pull up in her rucksack just in case she gets really nervous so she can discretely put it on. She said she won’t wear this as she’ll be too embarrassed.
Feel like I’m sitting here on pins worried that she’s going to have an accident. Think she’s sharing a bed which I wasn’t aware of.
She has done residentials with school and other sleepovers and she’s always been fine but I always get in a state about it.
If you have any advice I’d be grateful. Feel totally torn whether I’m doing the right thing sending her to sleep overs if this could happen.
She’s my eldest and was premature, my other daughter who is younger has never had nighttime accidents and me and her Dad didn’t experience them growing up so I feel so lost with how to deal with it.

Thanks.

I wouldn’t be sending her to a sleep over until she’s constantly dry. It’s not up to another mum to deal with it, and it will be very embarrassing for your DD.

I’ve cited that I’ve discussed this with my daughter and she still desperately wanted to go. We’ve discussed coping strategies - she’s gone with her own sleeping bag and a pull up if needs be and I’ve had a quiet word with the mum.
I think your suggestion of banning her from sleepovers against her wishes could be interpreted as a punishment over something she can’t control and could lead to resentment or could make accidents worse.
If she has a bad experience we will revisit our conversation and we will have to deal with it. Life isn’t perfect.
You can see from the post I sent her last night and was looking for practical suggestions around future sleepovers to avoid feeling on edge. Your comment wasn’t helpful.

My DS had a genetic disorder (urethral valves) which could lead to accidents at night time, so I sympathise and understand your stress OP. Because it was painful to urinate he'd hold it in until it was too late.

He had a lot of school trips at that age too, which were extra stressful to think about.

We went to the gp various times only to be fobbed off with UTI and antibiotics advice, until I insisted on a scan of his kidneys and bladder.

Do you think it's worth a trip to the Gp to discuss if there could be any other causes?

Anxiety doesn't directly cause bedwetting, but rather the change in behaviours from feeling stress. So I'd keep an eye on salty or sugary food intake in the evenings, and make sure she goes to the toilet before going to sleep. When she falls into a deep sleep after tossing and turning, then it's more likely that she'll wet the bed.

If a kid that age had an accident at my child's sleepover, I'd just deal with it. But it'd be easier if you provided a change of jammies and underwear and a spare blanket or something. She's old enough to pop to the bathroom and wash herself. I used to also pack a pull up for DS, and he took his own readybed type thing for sleepovers where I put a night time bed mat between the cover and the airbed and took it ready pumped up.

At home you could try a bed wetting alarm? I know thru are successful for some.

Thanks so much for your response. We have been seen by GP and specialist team at the hospital as accidents were more frequent when she was younger. They couldn’t find a reason and as accidents tend to be rare now (I’d say the last one she had was over summer -start of August time) they have discharged her now and said things should gradually improve. I think they are doing but we just seem to have issues if she’s about to sleep out somewhere, she seems to get stressed, talks about it a lot then usually there’s an accident around the time of the sleep out. I’m finding it really tricky to manage as it seems to be the stress of sleeping out that causes it whereas otherwise she seems dry now.
I sent her with two pairs of pjs, her sleeping bag to use and a pull up to discretely put on and we’ve chatted about putting it on in the bathroom away from people and then taking her bag back to the bathroom to take it off.
I hope I’ve done the right thing. She really wanted to go. I did quietly tell the Mum and she seemed fine. I just end up in bits thinking about what could have gone wrong and I think she picks up on my anxiety and it likely makes it worse. Until her, I’d had no experience of bed wetting and still feel like I’m feeling my way trying to handle it. It’s difficult to get the balance right.

Really hoping your DD comes home with a smile on her face after a successful sleepover, as I’m sure that will go a long way to bolstering her confidence, and likely make her less apprehensive in the future which may in itself make an accident less likely, as I do think sometimes it’s the stress of worrying about an accident which then leads to one…a self fulfilling prophecy!

Bit of a different situation, however my young niece stayed with for a week a little while back whilst DSIS was away with work. Totally unexpectedly and for the first time in years she had an accident at school, we never got to the bottom of what had caused it - maybe a bit of an infection or she was just feeling under the weather, perhaps just an accident as she misjudged things. Unfortunately it really shook her confidence and led to a period where she was incredibly anxious about using the toilet, panicking if she was ever not able to get to one immediately such as on a car trip or in a school assembly even though she didn’t actually really need to go. As is often the case, this worry then did lead her to needing to use the toilet which compounded her fears, and ultimately did lead to her having another couple of accidents despite having never had a problem for probably 5+ years of her life. She was devastated, and this fed into the circle of worry and stress, as it was difficult to reassure her that she was fine and wouldn’t have an accident, when in fact it had happened and caused her a lot of embarrassment. 😢

It was a vicious circle which was really hard to break, in the end her Mum worked with her to create safe environments where she could prove to herself that she didn’t need the toilet, and that even if they’d got it wrong and she really did then an accident wouldn’t matter, nobody would know and there’d be no embarrassment or shame to worry about. It worked, without the stress building up to panic she regained her confidence and belief in herself, and has never panicked like that again even when in a situation where she may have had to wait, and consequently has never had another accident since.

As I said it’s a different situation, but I wonder whether the stress of worrying about having an accident when sleeping away or having a sleepover, and the potential embarrassment it could cause, is what’s leading to your DD having the occasional accident in the first place with if seeming to always be around those times.

Sending hugs to you both, and hoping for a positive outcome. 😊

One element about sleepovers that is in her favour is that they always stay awake much later than usual, so she has the opportunity for a late night trip to the loo which will physically reduce the risk of an accident.

One thing which came across in your OP is how anxious you are about the whole situation. Children pick up on a parents' nervousness and it can become a feedback loop where you are each getting more anxious due to the other's anxiety. Despite best efforts to mask your feelings they are still there. If possible it could be helpful for you to seek some counselling to manage and process your own emotions as well as getting support to help her as well. Break the cycle...

good luck op. My DS wasn't consistently dry at night until 8, just gradually grew out of it. It is relatively common for children to have delayed maturity around the required hormones to shut down urine production overnight.

You could speak to your GP about whether desmopressin would be indicated/useful in these situations?

https://eric.org.uk/childrens-bladders/bedwetting/

Thank you so much for your post. I think what you’re describing with your niece is exactly the same type of vicious cycle we are having! Shes usually absolutely fine unless she’s going somewhere and gets worked up about it and like you say this tends to lead to a self fulfilling prophecy!
I spoke to the mum who was hosting the sleepover this morning and she said they were all absolutely fine but didn’t get much sleep 😂. I’d already mentioned that she might get nervous at night and told her why and it turns out she did get a bit upset about the thought of going to sleep but the mum was lovely and reassuring with her. Thankfully it’s been a positive experience and I think in future if we’re still getting the occasional issue like this I’ll just gauge carefully the parents and kids who’s houses I’ll let her sleepover at and they’ll be the ones I can hopefully trust to discretely mention she gets anxious. I’m really glad she went and had a good time :)

You can buy pants which looks like normal pants for this issue...I bought my dc these when they went to a sleepover. But i see the sleepover is tonight so might be too late to get now.

I think you’re right about my anxiety and her possibly picking up on it. I mentioned this to my husband the night before. I think what gets me is how there’s literally nothing you can do and have to wait till they grow out of it or treat it. I think the fact that me and husband don’t have any experience of it or dealing with it has made me feel a bit out of my depth as most issues I can help her resolve them but feel like I can’t with this. Thanks for posting.

Oh ignore me, I see it was last night!

Pleased it went well

No way! Any chance you know what these are called?! These would probably solve the issue for sleep outs if they don’t look obvious.

Yes I did wonder if she could have this the odd time. The GP and specialist advised us not to as she’s generally accident free. Will see how we get on over the next few months though.

Such good news that she had a dry night and a great time OP. Hopefully this instills some confidence in you both!

Ah that’s fantastic news, so pleased she had a good time and her (and your) fears didn’t come to anything.

That will hopefully be a massive boost to her confidence too, and next time it’s something positive you can remind her of, that may be a start at breaking that cycle.

Bet you’ve had a quiet day whilst she’s been catching up on a nights lost sleep! 😂

Sorry I got them ages ago...I'm not sure what the brand is. I think I just searched on Amazon for incontinence underwear and found them there.